


Resilience

by Abbypd



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Mental Institution, Anorexia, Depression, Eating Disorders, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Long story short; none of the boys are alright, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Obsessive Behavior, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, fear of commitment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-27
Updated: 2016-10-03
Packaged: 2018-07-27 03:56:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 27
Words: 58,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7602460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Abbypd/pseuds/Abbypd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Definition;<br/>- The ability to become strong, healthy or successful again after something bad happens.<br/>- The ability of something to return to its original shape after it has been pulled, stretched, pressed, bent, etc. </p><p>Or, Calum ends up in a mental institution after trying to kill himself, Ashton is scared of commitment, Michael needs to be perfect for Luke and Luke's already too far gone for Michael anyways.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer;
> 
> I've never stayed in a mental hospital, nor do I know anyone who ever has. I did do some research though.  
> Also, I've been depressed and suicidal myself, so I do have a pretty good idea of what it would be like.
> 
> If this isn't realistic, it's probably because of my poor writing skills.

_ _

* * *

 

_Wednesday_

 

The car ride was completely silent, except for the pop song on the radio that was softly playing in the background.

Calum's father, who was driving, and mother both shot him worried glances through the rear view mirror but the raven haired boy ignored it by staring out of the slightly opened window. Mali Koa was sitting right next to him, the entire right side of her body pressed up against his left. It was warm and sweaty and should’ve been uncomfortable but Calum was glad she wasn't sitting behind her dad like she usually did, too far out of his reach.

 

Suddenly the Katy Perry song the two siblings used to dance and sing along to came up and Calum turned his head to look at his big sister. She smiled a weak and rather sad smile at him and he returned the favour before dropping his head on her shoulder; it was hard to fake a smile when he could see the tears in her eyes though.

Calum hated knowing he was the reason for those tears, hated knowing he had made his family upset. Their family was falling apart and it was all his fault.

 

His mother had tried to reason with him when he had screamed it out. She had told him it was okay when he couldn't stop crying while apologizing for what he had done. But no matter what she said, Calum simply couldn't believe her.

"It's not your fault baby, you are just sick. You don't have to apologize; it’s really not your fault. We are crying tears of joy because you survived. That’s all that matters. You are all that matters" she had said, but Calum had simply shaken his head.

How could she say something like that after he had been so selfish?

 

It had been three days since his father had found him.

Three days since he had downed a bottle of vodka and half a bottle of whisky.

Three days since he had taken all the pills he could find in his parents’ house and three days since he had slit his wrists with brand new razor blades.

It had been three days since he had been hospitalized and the doctors had emptied his stomach, stitched up his wrists and given him some stranger’s blood.

The doctor had said he probably wouldn’t have made it if they had found him only ten minutes later.

And now they were bringing him to a mental institution.

 

Calum wanted nothing more but to go home, to just crawl into bed – his own bed – and listen to his sister singing him the lullaby their mother used to sing when they were both younger. He didn’t want to trade his family for a couple of ‘sick-in-the-head’ teenagers.

Calum didn’t want the people from his school finding out why he wasn’t showing up for classes anymore and he didn’t want his team mates to figure out why he quit football so suddenly.

 

But he had no choice.

He was only sixteen and so he had to wait two whole years before he could finally decide this kind of stuff for himself.

His parents had refused to listen to him when he had begged them to just let him go home, to not listen to the doctor’s advice.

He had promised them he’d go to therapy and that he’d never do it again but they had said they ‘only wanted what was best for him’.

Somewhere, in the very back of his mind, Calum knew they had probably, maybe, made the right choice. But that didn’t mean he agreed with them.

 

The raven haired boy had been struggling with depression for months by now, if not a year, and all that time he thought he could make it on his own. He thought he wasn’t bad enough to get professional help and he thought he’d only worry his parents by talking to them.

He had talked to a friend from football once, but the boy had declared him a freak before he had even said a word about his self-harm addiction so he had decided never to tell anyone again then and there.

 

It had been okay for a while.

But then it got worse and unbearable and Calum had been convinced he’d be better off dead; he wasn’t getting better and he couldn’t imagine talking to a trained stranger would do the trick either.

 

### ***

 

“Cal, we’re here. Wake up.”

A hand on his shoulder gently shook him awake and Calum blinked against the bright light that was coming through the car window.

He had no idea when he had fallen asleep and for how long he had been sleeping. His depression often made him tired, yet kept him up at night but the pills the hospital had given him made him sleepy enough to fall asleep without having to lie awake and overthink for three or four hours first.

 

The raven haired boy opened the car door, got out and eyed the building in front of him suspiciously.

It wasn’t grey like he had expected and there wasn’t a huge brick wall surrounding it to keep the crazy people in.

Sure, there was a gate but it looked more like a school than a prison, like Calum had thought.

 

Calum’s parents gave him a few minutes to get used to the look of his new ‘home’ and then urged him to follow them to the entrance. Mali, who was walking next to him, grabbed his hand and squeezed it reassuringly, telling Calum without words that he didn’t have to do this all alone.

The sixteen year old let himself be led into the building and to the front desk, where an elderly woman was typing away on the computer in front of her with a concentrated look on her face. Once she noticed the family in front of her, her face lit up.

“You must be Calum” she said, her eyes focusing on the youngest. He nodded.

The woman got up from her seat.

“I am Mabel. I’ll be showing you your room and give you and your family some time to say goodbye. Once your parents have left, you’ll have a short introductory talk with doctor Rooney and then it’ll be time for dinner I suppose. Okay?”

Calum nodded once again and then the woman started walking down the hall, towards a rather large staircase.

“So, the ground floor is where the administration office is and where the nurses take their break. You won’t be coming here much. The ground floor is also where people who used to live here come once a week or once every two weeks for therapy or just for check-ups” Mabel told him while they climbed the stairs.

“The second floor is where you’ll be spending most of your time. We’ve got several common rooms, a dining room and here’s where you’ll get group and individual therapy. There’s a lot to do here.” The grey haired woman offered him a kind smile which Calum could barely return. She tried to make it sound nice and all, but Calum knew he wasn’t going to like it here.

 

The raven haired boy looked around once they had reached the second floor. There were many people his age walking around. Most of them were around Calum’s age or older but there were a few who were obviously a few years younger than him. He wasn’t sure why, but it broke his heart to know they were so broken already at such young age.

What he noticed when he saw all those patients walking around though, was that most of them didn’t look sick at all. They wore normal clothes and looked normal, healthy. But then again, so did Calum. Except for the bandages around his wrists he had tried to cover with bracelets maybe.

 

“The third floor is off limits for you, as it is the girls’ dormitory” Mabel told him. Calum didn’t have the guts to tell her that was no problem, for he wasn’t interested in girls at all. Mali Koa shot him a knowing look though, causing Calum to grin a little.

“And here’s the boys’ dormitory. It’s much like a campus dormitory, actually. There’s a double room behind every single door and on the very end of the hall there’s a door which will lead to the shared bathroom.”

 

Once the little group had reached the top of the stairs, Calum noticed there were two wings on either side of the staircase. They seemed to be identical.

Each wing had three doors on either side and one at the end, which had to be the bathrooms and Calum quickly did the math; if every room led to a double room and every single room was occupied, there would be twenty-four boys including Calum. And if the girls’ dormitory was the same – which was somehow very likely – there’d also be twenty-four girls staying in here.

The raven haired boy wasn’t sure why, but he had expected there’d be less crazy people in here. But, the more the merrier. Right?

 

“And this…” Mabel continued, “will be your room.”

She knocked on a door and waited for a boy’s voice to give her permission to enter, telling Calum he’d be sharing a room with a total stranger. It was something he was not looking forward to.

“Come in” an indifferent voice called, and Mabel pushed the door handle down.

The elderly woman stepped into the room and Calum’s father put a hand on his son’s back and gently forced him to follow her. Then the rest of the family entered.

“Michael, this is your new roommate, Calum.”

A boy with almost white skin and bright purple hair looked up from his phone.

“Hi” he said, while he offered the raven haired boy a small smile and a little wave.

“Hey” he muttered back.

The boy looked down at his phone again, ignoring the rest of the people in his room and somehow, Calum was quite thankful for that; it was easier to pretend they were alone when there weren’t any eyes on him.

 

“It’s time to say goodbye to your family now Calum” Mabel said as both his parents placed his luggage on the perfectly made bed. The boy tried to swallow past the rapidly growing lump in his throat and nodded.

“I must ask you to say goodbye to them outside the hospital or on the ground floor, for it could be triggering for the other patients to see it.”

“Okay” Calum mumbled, and then the family Hood was out of his new bedroom again.

“In the mean time someone will be checking your luggage for any forbidden objects. If you are missing anything you think you might need when you get back, just come to me and I’ll see whether you can have it back or not.”

“Okay” he repeated, while mentally cursing himself for not hiding his blades and plasters anywhere safer. They were definitely going to find it and take it from him. They might even get mad at him for trying to smuggle it in in the first place.

“When you get back, please come to me so I can show you to doctor Rooney’s office” and with that, the grey haired woman left.

 

Calum’s parents followed her back to the ground floor. Mali Koa went to follow them as well, but turned around to see Calum wasn’t coming with her. She walked over to her younger brother, placed both her hands on his shoulders. He looked up at her, tears in his eyes already.

“Oh Calum” she sighed.

“I wish I could take you home with me. Or that I could stay here with you, but this is for the best; you know that right?”

The youngest bit his bottom lip, trying to keep it from trembling, and nodded. The first tear was already about to spill.

“It is going to be alright. You’ll be out of here before you even know it and we will visit as much as possible. And you have to promise me you will call as much as you are allowed to.”

Calum nodded once again, causing two tears to run down his cheek.

“Promise me?”

His sister’s voice was wavering now, and the boy knew it wasn’t going to take long before she’d be crying as well.

“I promise.”

“Now, let’s find mum and dad before they get worried.”

The older girl grabbed Calum’s hand and all but pulled him back to the staircase and to the exit of the hospital, where their parents were already waiting.


	2. Two

_Wednesday_

 

Saying goodbye to his parents was one of the hardest things Calum had ever done, even if it was only two days until he would see them again. He’d been separated from them for a longer time before, but this was different; this wasn’t for a football camp or a school trip or whatever. This was because he was sick and was forced to do things that weren’t going to help him anyways. And it was his own fault.

 

The introductory talk with doctor Rooney hadn’t been much better.

Calum was still emotional when he entered the office, so talking about his depression – something he had never done in the five months or so he had been depressed – had been hell.

Rooney had asked him about things he had never even thought about before and somehow, he only felt worse when he stepped out of the office. He really hoped that wasn’t going to be a regular thing because then he’d never get out of here.

 

Exhausted and sad, Calum climbed the stairs which creaked beneath his weight. At the top of the stairs he realized he didn’t even remember which of the twelve rooms was his. He looked left and right, but honestly couldn’t remember which way to go anymore.

And then he saw the purple haired boy coming out of the bathroom.

Calum quickly walked up to the boy.

“Hey” he said, for he had forgotten his name already.

“Hi” the boy replied.

“So, I kinda forgot which room is mine. Also, I kinda already forgot your name” Calum admitted, his cheeks red from embarrassment.

The boy simply grinned.

“I’m Michael. And this is our room” he said while pointing at the door they were currently standing in front of.

“Oh” Calum replied sheepishly.

“Thanks.”

“No problem dude.”

 

### ***

 

“Has someone shown you around yet?” Michael asked as soon as Calum was done unpacking. He had been sitting on his bed, watching the new boy all this time.

“Yeah, Mabel showed me around.”

The purple haired boy shook his head, a little smile appearing on his face.

“No, that doesn’t count. Come on.”

The boy got up from his bed, but instead of walking out of the room he turned around to straighten his sheets. His flat hand moved over the fabric until every single fold was gone and his bed looked like it was made of plastic or whatever. Calum furrowed his brows but figured it would be better if he wouldn’t ask or say anything.

Once Michael was done he walked towards the door. He got a package of wet wipes from the pocket of his sweatpants and cleaned the door knob next. The raven haired boy could hear him counting quietly and he watched as his roommate seemed to keep going over the same motions. Once he had reached twenty, he grabbed the door knob and opened the door.

 

“So this is the boy’s dorm, but Mabel told you that much, I suppose” Michael started, as if nothing out of the ordinary had just happened.

“Yeah” Calum answered him. He felt he was kind of excited for the tour this strange but kind boy was going to give him. It was almost like his weird actions had helped Calum to forget about everything else for a while.

“The bathroom is on the end of the left wing. I wouldn’t go in there after midnight, because that’s when the anorexic dudes take a shower. They don’t appreciate anyone barging in. We’ve got four of them and I’m pretty sure they’ve got a schedule or whatever” Michael told him nonchalant and Calum found himself nodding in understanding.

“The door on the end of the right wing is a fire escape but it only opens when security hits a button, because it also leads to the roof. Rumour has it the doors used to be locked with a normal key at first and some girl opened it with a hair pin and then jumped off of the roof. I’m not sure if it’s true though.”

A shiver ran through Calum’s spine.

 

The two of them reached the top of the stairs soon enough and Michael started his way down, the raven haired boy following suit. They didn’t stay on the third floor, as it was forbidden.

“When I just got here, I didn’t think they would care that much about boys being in the girl’s dorm or the other way around. I found out the hard way though. I wandered around for a while one day, looking for a girl I had talked to during lunch the day before and before I even knew it, there was this really big female nurse in front of me, looking all pissed. She grabbed my arm and pretty much dragged me back to the stairs. She even took ten points away” Michael chuckled.

“Points?” Calum questioned out loud.

“Yeah. There’s this point system, where they give you points when you do or say something positive during therapy and they take points when you do something that’s against the rules or whatever. I’m not sure if there are rules to it, I reckon the nurses and shrinks just give and take them whenever they feel like it” Michael shrugged.

“And what happens then?”

“Well, the amount of points you’ve got determine how they’ll treat you. When you’ve got very little points, you get to spend a night or two in solitary for example, or you’ve got to skip a few phone calls. When you’ve got a lot of points, you can exchange them for an extra phone call or an extra visiting hour. Stuff like that.”

Calum nodded once again. This place was worse than he had anticipated.

 

Then they were standing on the second floor. Michael stood still in the middle of the hall and pointed in the direction of the left wing.

 “So, to the left there’s the dining room, the kitchen and two rooms for group therapy. One is for talk therapy where we all just sit around and talk - or not - and the other is for expressive therapy.”

“What’s that?”

“It’s therapy through art. They think that letting us paint and make music together will magically make us feel better” Michael rolled his eyes as he said it and Calum could easily tell Michael didn’t like expressive therapy very much, nor did he believe in it.

“Painting and making music is fun though, isn’t it?”

“Not really. I mean, don’t get me wrong: I love making music. I play the guitar and my life goal is to play in a band and all, but here, it’s torture.”

“Why?”

“Everybody sucks” Michael grinned and Calum couldn’t help but chuckle at that.

 

 Michael then walked towards the right wing of the second floor.

“The two doors on your left both lead to a common room” He said while pointing at the grey doors.

“They are just giant living rooms with televisions and computers. Almost every channel and website is blocked though, for they could be triggering, so it’s pretty boring.”

“The first door on your right leads to the library, the second to a silent common room and the third leads to a bathroom so you don’t have to climb the stairs every time you’ve got to take a piss.”

“Why are there three common rooms?”

“Some people just don’t get along and the nurses didn’t want people spending all their time in their bedroom just because they don’t like someone.”

“Fair enough” Calum shrugged.

“Also, in between Lunch and Dinner, we are allowed to go outside, but there isn’t much to do there either. Everybody either just sits around doing nothing or plays football, so... Yeah. That’s it, I guess” was how Michael decided to end his tour.

“Thank you” Calum smiled genuinely and the purple haired boy grinned back.

 

### ***

 

Just when the raven haired boy was wondering if he should leave his roommate alone now or not, a loud buzzer went off. He furrowed his brows and looked around, trying to figure out where the sound was coming from.

“Dinner time” Michael explained.

“Come on.”

 

The hospital’s canteen reminded Calum of his high school’s canteen and he wasn’t sure what to think of that.

On one hand, it was pretty great, because this way Calum could pretend he wasn’t so weird after all. This way he could pretend like he had just switched schools, like he was just like every other kid his age.

But on the other hand, it made him pretty depressed. Because it reminded him of all the hours he had spent with his football team, laughing and joking around, flirting with the cheerleaders and pretending like he wasn’t dying on the inside.

Calum had been surrounded by the popular kids, something most of his classmates could only dream of, yet none of his so called friends had ever noticed his fake smiles and white lies, and no one ever said anything when he threw away his food again because he was too damn sad to eat.

 

“Calum, meet the only two other people that matter in this crazy place” Michael announced jokingly when the two of them came to a halt at a table in the very back of the canteen.

“Guys, this is Calum, my new roommate. Calum, this are Luke and Ashton, my friends.”

“Nice to meet you” the raven haired boy mumbled politely. He sat down across from them, Michael next to him, and simply looked at two boys as they both smiled and waved at him.

 

The one who was sitting opposite of him was pale and really skinny -  like, scary skinny. There was barely any flesh covering his rather broad shoulders and his collarbones were so prominent, Calum figured they could easily serve as fish bowls. His cheeks were hollow and, it probably wasn’t nice to even think this, but the boy was like a living skeleton.

He had purple bags beneath his beautiful, bright blue eyes and his blonde hair was styled in a quiff.

 

The other boy who was sitting opposite of Michael– Calum wasn’t sure whether his name was Luke or Ashton, Michael hadn’t pointed at any of them while introducing them – looked completely normal; except for the scars littering his arms maybe. Calum’s arms were covered in the exact same marks, yet he couldn’t stop staring. He knew it was extremely impolite to do so and he’d probably get mad if he’d catch someone ogling his scars but the other boy didn’t seem to notice; and if he did, he didn’t seem to mind.

Still, the raven haired boy forced himself to look away from his arms and opted to observe the boy’s face instead.

His eyes were big and hazel coloured. They were beautiful but Calum could see they were dull and looking tired. He had bags under his eyes as well, but they weren’t as bad as his neighbour’s. His hair was long, messy and curly and a nice, darker shade of blond and he had dimples when he smiled. Calum thought he was kinda really cute.

 

“So, Calum… How’d you end up here?” the skinny blonde asked while a nurse opened the kitchen hatch and patients started lining up to receive their meal. The raven haired boy figured there was a certain order for only the people who were seated at the first three tables were waiting in line. The rest was still chatting away or just staring ahead while waiting for their turn.

“Luke! You can’t just ask people that!” The other boy – Ashton then, Calum figured – scolded him.

Luke opened his mouth, probably to apologize, but Calum answered him before he had the chance to speak; he’d better get it over with right away.

“I tried to kill myself” he stated nonchalantly.

 “Dad found me and called the paramedics. They emptied my stomach and stitched me up. I wanted to go home but my parents wouldn’t let me” Calum shrugged and the three boys at his table nodded in understanding. They didn’t have that extremely pitying look in their eyes like most people did – probably because they heard stories like this on the daily – which the raven haired boy was thankful for.

“What about you? If you don’t mind me asking, that is” he asked as politely as possible. He didn’t really need Luke to tell him his reason for that was pretty obvious.

Calum was mostly curious to Michael’s story.

 

“I’ve tried to kill myself five times now. I’ve been depressed since I was eleven and I get panic attacks” Ashton said. Calum furrowed his brows; he had suspected something like that but hearing it out loud was kind of hard to process somehow.  

“I’m sorry” he offered.

“Don’t be. You can’t feel sorry for everyone in here, not even yourself. You won’t make it out if you do.”

Ashton probably meant right, if the kind smile on his face was anything to go by, but the frown on Calum’s face only grew.

“I’m anorexic. I passed out in class four weeks ago and had to spend a few nights in the hospital. I’ve lived here ever since” was what Luke said to break the slight tension. It didn’t really work. In fact, it only seemed to make it worse because now Calum didn’t know what to say anymore.

“And I’ve got OCD” Michael stated, and he kept it at that.

Calum wanted to know more, wanted to ask about how that works and about his habits and such, for he had never met someone with OCD before, but decided against it.

Instead he just nodded and kept silent.

 

Soon enough it was time for the people at the last three tables to get in line. Calum made sure to stay close to his roommate, who he considered a friend by now, despite not knowing anything about him. Luke and Ashton were standing in front of them, and behind them were standing five girls. Calum smiled politely at them, causing the first two to giggle. He fought the urge to roll his eyes and shuffled a little closer to Michael.


	3. Three

_Wednesday_

 

Dinner at the mental hospital was… _interesting._

 

It was like every table contained at least one person who was crying while trying to finish their meal so the nurses wouldn’t take any of their points, and Luke – obviously - was that person at Calum’s table.

The blonde was trying his hardest to pretend like nothing was wrong, but Calum could see his struggle with every bite he took.

Ashton tried to help him by stealing food off of his plate every time the nurses weren’t looking, but Calum wasn’t sure that counted as helping; wasn’t Luke in here to get over his anorexia after all?

 

There were also quite some people who were talking to themselves and one girl just started laughing hysterically despite sitting completely alone.

Calum tried not to stare at her, but was too curious not to.

“She suffers from PBA.” Ashton explained when he noticed Calum looking at her.

The raven haired boy looked away from the girl and to the boy sitting in front of him with a confused look on his face.

“What?”

“Pseudobulbar Affect” Ashton said.

“She just randomly starts crying or laughing really loudly or she gets really aggressive. She doesn’t cry because she is sad, or laugh because she is happy though. It’s a neurologic condition. Rumour has it she got it after a car accident, when her dad drove around town while he was drunk, but no one knows for sure.”

“Then why is she here?” Calum wanted to know. “Shouldn’t someone with brain injury be in a normal hospital instead of a mental one?”

“She gets treated for PBA at the hospital every other day, but she lives her because she’s also depressed. Those conditions seem to go hand in hand” Ashton explained patiently.

Calum nodded in lack of a better response.

It wasn’t easy to see all these broken people together.

 

And then there were people who were just existing. They didn’t eat, they didn’t talk and Calum was pretty sure they didn’t even blink either. They just sat still and stared ahead. The raven haired boy wondered what they were thinking about. Maybe they weren’t thinking about anything at all, or maybe they were just listening to the stories the voices in their heads were telling them.

 

The most interesting thing – or rather, person – was definitely Michael though.

The purple haired had a bottle of antibacterial soap standing next to his plate and some paper tissues and after every bite he took, he washed his hands with the soap, cleaned his cutlery thoroughly and then he’d wash his hands again.

And then he would take another bite and do it all over again.  

Calum could hear him counting while he did this, but the numbers didn’t make any sense to him. They seemed to be really important to Michael though.

But once again, Calum didn’t ask.

 

### ***

 

“We’re going to the common room, you wanna join?” Michael asked as soon after they had visited the nurses’ desk for their medication. Every single patient had to visit them three times a day, whether they had to take medication three times a day or not; before breakfast, after dinner and before bed time. That was  for the people who got sleeping pills.

“Yeah, sure.” Calum easily agreed. It wasn’t like he had any other places to go to.

“Ashton and I used to go outside after dinner because it’s really quiet outside in the evening, but Luke isn’t allowed to leave the second floor for an hour after every meal, so ever since he joined, we just play card- and board games till seven” Michael told the raven haired boy.

“And _then_ we go outside” Luke quickly added with a little smile on his face.

Calum was pretty sure he could get used to how open and honest these boys were, how they refused to be ashamed of their conditions or the way they got treated because of them. Maybe that was the only benefit of living here; everybody could be themselves here and no one would judge them. And if anyone would judge him, they’d just be hypocrites.

 

“Do you know the game ‘bullshit’, Cal?” Ashton asked.

 “I’ve heard of it, but I’ve never played it” he admitted, while trying not to dwell on his newest nickname.

“Don’t worry. You’ve got plenty of time to learn” the purple haired boy chuckled, which resulted in Luke hitting him in the chest.

“Michael!” he scolded.

“It’s alright” Calum grinned at his roommate.

“It’s true, isn’t it?” he shrugged easily.

“Yeah, but he needs to be careful with these kind of jokes. It’s okay to make them around us but you could’ve broke down crying for all we know” Luke explained, giving Michael a pointed look.

Said boy pouted at the skinny blonde and apologized, which earned him a bright smile from Luke.

 

Then suddenly, without saying anything, Michael turned towards the stairs and started climbing them while Luke and Ashton kept walking towards the common rooms.

“Where’s he going?” Calum asked, contemplating whether he should go after his roommate or follow the others.

“He’s just getting his gloves” Luke reassured him.

“He refused to use them at first but Ash and I got sick of him cleaning every single card he touched and washing his hands afterwards. So we told him he could either play with gloves on or not at all” The blue eyed blonde explained when he noticed Calum’s confused look.

“He didn’t play any games with us for about six weeks out of protest but we could still play together while he couldn’t really do anything on his own” Ashton giggled, and despite understanding why his friends had done it, Calum still felt a bit bad for Michael.

 

The three boys walked past the first and biggest common room and settled down at a table in the second. There was a small group of girls who were watching SpongeBob and then there were two boys playing a game of chess together, so it was pretty quiet, which Calum was glad off. Dinner had been quite noisy so he could use some rest.  

 

Michael re-joined them right when Luke was done distributing the cards, jet black leather gloves covering his hands.

“Okay, so as you can see, we play this game with UNO cards excluding the zeros and wild cards. How many cards you’ve got depends on how many people play the game; we always divide all cards over all the players till there are none left” Ashton started explaining. He was seated right across from Calum and his knees kept occasionally bumping into the raven haired knees and it was quite distracting.

“One person starts by placing a random amount of cards on the table, faced down so you can’t see them. The person who placed them tells the rest what they are, but is allowed to lie. So they say they placed three four’s but really it are two fours and a six or whatever. Then the next person has to place a random amount of fours on top of the others and so on. Everybody is allowed to lie all the time. When you don’t believe someone is telling the truth, you call bullshit and you check their cards. If they spoke the truth, the entire pile of cards goes to the one who called bullshit. If they lied, the entire pile goes to the one who lied. And then the next round starts. The one who loses his cards the quickest, wins.”

“Got it?” Ashton checked when he noticed Calum’s furrowed brows.

“I think so. Maybe we should just play it though.”  

 

“Do you wanna start?” Michael asked him, but Calum shook his head. The purple haired boy shrugged, took three cards from his stack and placed them in the middle of the table.

“Three ones.”

Then it was Ashton’s turn. He only added one card to the small pile.

“One one.”

“Four ones” Luke said and Calum eyed him suspiciously. The blonde flashed him a sweet smile, reminding the new boy of the angel emoji somehow.

“Bullshit” he said, biting his bottom lip nervously. He could see Ashton and Michael smirking from the corner of his eyes, but he was too focused on the four cards Luke flipped to pay them any attention.

The first three cards were indeed a one, but the fourth was a two and Calum cheered enthusiastically.

The skinny boy grumbled as he added the entire pile of cards to his stack but the raven haired boy could tell there was no real heat behind it.

 

Ashton winked at him when he looked away from Luke, as if to congratulate him, and Calum blushed.

 

### ***

 

The four boys played bullshit until the hour was up and Luke was finally allowed to leave the second floor. Calum had won one round and lost four, but he wasn’t too sad about it. It was like Michael had said; he still had plenty of time to learn.

 

They left the building as soon as Michael had replaced his glove for a blanket – which had taken a lot longer than Calum had expected, but that was probably because he had to clean the gloves first before putting them away.

Luke and Michael were walking down the stairs side by side and so Ashton came to walk beside Calum. None of them said a word, but it wasn’t uncomfortable at all, Calum thought.

 

Once they had reached the ground floor, they took a turn to the left instead of the right like Calum had expected.

“Isn’t the exit that way?” he asked, pointing towards the door through where he had entered a few hours prior.

“It is, but only for visitors, staff and recovered patients. This is our exit” Ashton said as he pointed towards another, much smaller door. It led to a garden with a big wall around it.

 

The garden was littered with trees, shrubberies and flowerbeds, yet there was still more than enough room to sit or lie around or for people to play football or whatever. It already was Calum’s favourite place in and around the hospital.

 

They sat down near a rather large oak tree, the leaves protecting them from the rays of the evening sun and from curious eyes from the people inside.

“So, Calum… How was your first day?” Michael asked. He was sitting crossed legged on his blanket, his hands constantly trying to smooth out any creases and folds.

“Honestly? It’s really weird, but I haven’t really felt that sad or depressed since the talk with doctor Rooney.”

“That’s good, isn’t it?” Luke asked carefully.

“Yeah, I guess. It’s just… I tried to kill myself three days ago and I am already feeling okay again… What if it wasn’t real?”

“How do you mean?” Ashton asked.

“Well, I somehow feel like I made it all up? Like it was all just in my head, or whatever. What if I made myself believe I was depressed while I was just… not feeling that well?”

“I don’t know how to explain it, I just feel like I am not supposed to feel as good as I do right now” he added. His head was a mess; he was feeling pretty good, probably thanks to the other three boys. But he was also feeling pretty bad for feeling good. He had put his family through so much by attempting suicide and by having to be brought here and now he was just making friends and playing games. It didn’t seem right.

“You feel guilty for enjoying yourself” Ashton smiled knowingly at him.

“Exactly” Calum nodded while pulling on some blades of grass out of frustration.

“I’m not supposed to have fun in here.”

“You are though. You are here to get better. The reason you are here is because you can’t enjoy yourself out in the real world and now you are here to learn how to be happy again” Ashton told him.

 

Calum was really started to like Ashton. Of course, he liked Michael and Luke too, but Ashton was different. He really seemed to know what he was talking about, knew just what to say to make Calum feel a little better.

Maybe it was because Ashton and he were in here for the exact same reason and he could relate to the older boy.

 

“I don’t mean to be a party pooper here, but this is only your first day. Things will change after a few days, a week, a month…” Michael said.

“Playing the same games and hanging out with the same people every single day for weeks gets boring. I’m not saying I am sick of Luke and Ashton, I’m just sick of this life. And just wait till you have your first group therapy session.”

“Michael!” Luke and Ashton scolded him at the same time.

“What? It’s true. My first day was the best day I’ve experienced in here. I’m just warning him; it’s all downhill from here.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Come on Ash! You’ve seen more people coming and going than anyone else in here. You, of all people, should know how it works.”

The raven haired boy looked at the dirty blonde. Had he really been in here for that long?

“I’m not saying it is all fun and games in here. But it doesn’t have to be as bad as you make it sound either. You just hate group sessions because you don’t believe you are sick.”

“And it’s like you said; I’ve seen more people coming _and going_ than anybody else. I know that the people who make the most of their stay here, never stay for long. Because they take the opportunity they are given to work on themselves and to get better, to get out of here and back into society.”

“Okay” Michael gave in eventually.

“Anyways, Calum, just don’t feel bad about not feeling bad. What you are feeling right now is normal; it happens to all newcomers. Just try to enjoy it while it lasts.”

“I’ll try.”


	4. Four

_Thursday_

 

The ringing of some sort of bell was what woke Calum up the next morning. One glance at the digital clock on his night stand told him it was only seven o’clock and he groaned, rolled onto his other side and pulled his covers over his head. Maybe that way he could pretend he was at home and could sleep for another four hours before dragging himself out of bed to play video games all day long.

 

He wasn’t so lucky though.

Calum could hear Michael getting out of bed. He could also hear the other boy was trying – and failing – to be quiet as he started getting ready for the day. The problem was not that he was opening and closing the drawer of his closet; the problem was that he had to do it _ten times_. Also he really took his time to change his bed sheets and pillow case.

When Michael came back from the bathroom – which had taken him ages, which shouldn’t surprise or worry Calum anymore, but did – he started making a noise Calum couldn’t indicate while counting under his breath. Calum curiously pulled his blanket down a little so it was up to his nose and watched his roommate.

“What are you doing?”

“Cleaning” was the only thing Michael said before going back to counting under his breath.

 

“You should really get out of bed now.” The purple haired boy said about five minutes later. He was still cleaning his dresser.

“If you’re not out of bed and dressed by half past seven, they’ll take some of your points. And you don’t have that many yet.”

Calum only groaned without moving an inch. He really didn’t want to get out of bed yet. Or ever.

“That means you might not get to see any visitors tomorrow if you don’t get your ass out of bed right now” Michael told him, and that – obviously – did the trick.

The raven haired boy pushed his blanket off of him and got out of bed. He threw on black sweatpants and a marine blue shirt and turned to look at Michael expectantly.

“Ready” He said when the boy didn’t do or say anything.

The purple haired boy frowned at him, like he didn’t agree with Calum’s way of getting ready for the day, but then he walked towards the doors.

 

“Okay. So, first we get our meds at the nurses’ desk on the second floor and then it’s time for breakfast. After breakfast we’ve got group therapy.”

“Okay” Calum said while he impatiently waited for Michael to finish cleaning the doorknob. Once he deemed the doorknob clean enough, he grabbed it and opened the door. He washed his hands while his roommate walked out of their room. Then Michael started cleaning the other knob so he could shut the door behind them. Calum wondered whether he should offer to open and close all doors from now on but he wasn’t sure that would help Michael getting any better, so he kept his mouth shut.

 

As soon as Michael had washed his hands with antibacterial soap again, the two of them made their way down to the nurses’ desk. There was quite a long line and Calum figured there were more people who got their medication in the morning than in the evening.

He had to swallow multiple pills twice a day, as did Michael.

 

Once they had both taken their medication and a male nurse had made sure they had actually swallowed the pills, the two boys walked towards the canteen, where Luke and Ashton were already waiting for them. The two blondes waved at them with a smile on their faces, but it didn’t quite reach their eyes. But maybe that was because they looked as tired as Calum felt.

 

“How was your first night?” Luke asked him as soon as Calum was seated across from Ashton.

“It was pretty good. I haven’t actually slept this well in months. But it would’ve been nice if the alarm hadn’t gone off so early. Despite getting one good night sleep, I’m still tired as hell” he answered truthfully.

“Are you getting sleeping pills?” Ashton wanted to know.

“Yeah; thankfully.”

The dirty blonde nodded.

“It might be a side effect then, that you feel a bit drowsy in the morning; especially in the beginning.”

“And if it doesn’t get better soon, just tell your doctor.  He can change your prescription” Luke agreed.

Calum wasn’t sure how he would’ve survived if it weren’t for his new friends.

 

### ***

 

Breakfast went by pretty smoothly. Calum had picked the same cereal his mum always bought so he felt a little less homesick and spent most of his time chatting with Ashton. Luke was too busy to eat without crying – which didn’t really work, but nobody said anything about that – and Michael was too busy cleaning his spoon and hands over and over. Also, he didn’t really seem to take a bite unless there were exactly three pieces of cereal on his spoon, so he took forever to finish his bowl.

 

“What is group therapy like?” Calum asked Ashton once the two of them were done eating and Luke and Michael were not even halfway yet.

“It depends a bit. On Monday, Wednesday and Friday the group gets divided randomly so people with all kinds of problems talk to each other. On Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday we get sorted based on our problems; so you and I’ll probably be in the same group today.”

“What about Sunday?”

“There’s no group therapy on Sunday, only individual therapy. You can go to creative and recreational therapy if you want to but barely anyone ever goes. There’s an extended visiting hour on Sunday; visitors are allowed to stay for three hours and people with loads of points are even allowed to go home or go out with their family for a bit” Ashton explained patiently.  

Calum nodded. He couldn’t wait till he’d have enough points so he could go home for a few hours.

 

“And what do you do in group therapy?”

“You talk. They ask what’s been bothering you lately, if there’s anything on your mind you want to share with the group. Then you talk about your goals for that day and that week; if you’ve met them yet or what you should do to meet them.”

“Oh, and today you’ll probably have to introduce yourself officially, since you’re new and all” Ashton warned him. He was wearing a sort of mixture of a pitying and comforting smile and so Calum smiled back. It was good to know these three guys had his back already; the raven haired boy trusted they’d save him if he’d say anything stupid or whatever.

 

### ***

 

“Good morning. You must be Calum” a young, kind looking woman said to Calum when he followed Michael into the room where group therapy was held. She probably wasn’t much older than twenty-five, and that was both comforting and intimidating at the same time.

“Yeah, that would be me” he nodded, and she held out her hand.

“I am doctor Bennet, one of the psychologists here.”

“Nice to meet you” Calum said. It wasn’t necessarily true, but he didn’t know what else to say. ‘ _Hi, I’m Calum_ ’ wouldn’t have worked since she already knew that.

“So, before we start I want you to stand up and introduce yourself first. Just tell them your name, age and why you are here. Okay?”

“Okay” the boy said while nodding once again. He quickly walked away from the doctor then and sat down in between Luke and Michael, opting to stare at his own feet so he wouldn’t have to look at all the eyes that were on him. He’d been in the hospital for a little over twelve hours now, but was still ogled for being ‘the new guy’.

 

“Good morning everyone” doctor Bennet said as soon as every single chair was taken.

“Good morning” the group mumbled back in unison, and Calum looked around with furrowed brows.

“As today is Thursday, you will all go to your regular group. But before we do that, I want you guys to meet Calum” doctor Bennet said, and she winked at the raven haired boy with an encouraging smile on her face.

The boy stood up uneasily while he tried to look around the circle without blushing or stuttering.

“Hi, I’m Calum Hood. I am sixteen years old and I am here because I am depressed and suicidal.”

The words left an uneasy taste in his mouth; he had never said it out loud, except for when he had met Luke and Ashton at dinner the other day. That had been different though; he had told them because they had asked and because he trusted them enough to tell them. He had told them because he had wanted to tell them. But this time, he had been sort of forced to.

“Hi Calum.” The entire circle mumbled back and the raven haired boy had to try really hard not to laugh at that; he hadn’t expected they would actually say it back like he had seen in movies.

 

“Okay everybody, time to find your group. Calum, you can join Ashton’s group” doctor Bennet said. The dirty blonde smiled at him as if to say: ‘ _I told you so.’_

Then he got up, grabbed his chair and walked towards the right corner of the room. He placed his chair beneath the large windowsill and sat down while slowly more and more people joined him.

Calum quickly grabbed his chair and joined the group as well. He was seated right across from Ashton, since the spots next to him were already taken, which was kinda disappointing. Ashton seemed to think so too though.

“Scarlett, swap with Calum” he said to the brunette who was sitting right next to him. The girl rolled her eyes but did as she was told anyways.

 

The new boy was seated so close to Ashton now that their thighs and shoulders were touching and their knees occasionally bumped into each other, but Calum wouldn’t have it any other way. He felt safe, this close to Ashton; like nothing could ever hurt him.

 

“Why is our group so much bigger than the others?” Calum leaned towards Ashton a little bit so not everybody would hear him ask what was probably a dumb question.

“It’s because most people in here are depressed and suicidal like you and I. Luke’s group is pretty big as well, see?” the older boy whispered back.

Calum looked over to where Luke was seated. He was surrounded by three boys and about twelve girls. The raven haired boy felt kinda sorry for him.

“Michael used to be in the smallest group, but since most people with OCD have anxiety and panic attacks as well, they combined those two groups.”

“Doesn’t he mind? Isn’t it easier to talk in a small group, with people who know exactly what’s going on in your mind?” Calum asked. In the meantime, an older man in a white coat had joined their circle of chairs. The raven haired boy figured he was their psychologist.

“Yeah, but it doesn’t really matter. Michael doesn’t talk anyways. He refuses to” Ashton explained.

Calum wanted to ask why not, wanted to know why his roommate didn’t want to be helped but he wasn’t given the chance for the doctor demanded everybody’s attention.

 

 “I am doctor Whitfield” the man shortly told Calum. He continued talking before the raven haired boy could even respond.

“So, let’s start with the goals you guys set for yesterday. What was it and did you meet it?”

“Jane, why don’t you start?”


	5. Five

_Thursday_

 

“That was _awful_ ” Calum started complaining as soon as they were out of the room where group therapies were held.

 

The raven haired boy hadn’t known what to expect up front, but it had somehow been worse than he had thought it would be.

He hadn’t said much yet, since they had spent most of their time talking about the goals the other kids hadn’t reached. Only nine out of twenty-two people had managed to do what they had hoped to do, and Ashton hadn’t been one of them. His goal had been not to hurt himself, and Calum had felt a strong need to hug and comfort the boy when he had admitted that.

 

It had been really hard to hear the others talk about why they hadn’t managed not to harm themselves or why it had been too much to do simple tasks like their laundry the day before. Some of the kids who had reached their goals had given advice and some had started crying because of that; Calum figured it was because they didn’t believe they could do it. He understood what that felt like.

 

“You’ll get used to it” Michael shrugged nonchalantly, and Calum tried really hard to believe him.

“Yeah, the first few times are the hardest because you don’t really know what is going on or what to expect but it’s not that bad once you have set goals for yourself and the others actually give great advice on how to reach them” Luke chimed in. He seemed pretty happy, a small smile on his face and the raven haired boy figured he had reached his goal the day before; he wasn’t sure though.

“It’s even better when you actually managed to help others” Ashton added softly, a small, sad smile around his lips. Calum reckoned he was referring to the girl that had thanked him for giving her advice on things to do instead of hurting herself; somehow the advice hadn’t been enough for the dirty blonde though. 

Michael and Luke didn’t seem to notice the sad undertone to their friend’s statement and hummed in agreement.

 

“Anyways, we gotta get going. Individual therapy” Michael said. He lifted his hands to show two thumbs up and faked the biggest smile he could muster and then he and Luke walked towards the stairs to go to the ground floor.

Calum didn’t have therapy for another thirty minutes and it was Ashton’s turn right after the kiwi boy, because they had the same therapist.

 

“What do you wanna do?” the raven haired boy asked the older boy. It was better to let him pick since he knew better what options they had; he’d been here for far longer than Calum.

“Come on” the boy said instead of answering. He grabbed Calum’s wrist and started leading him towards the staircase as well.

“It’s not like I have a choice” the boy chuckled. Ashton grinned, but didn’t let go; Calum didn’t mind.

 

### ***

 

“Tell me something” the dirty blonde said from where he was lying in the grass, his head right next to Calum’s and his feet pointing into the opposite direction of the kiwi boy’s feet.

“Something good.”

The raven haired boy bit his bottom lip, stared up at the leaves above him and thought; thought of something to tell, something that always managed to put a smile on his face and would also make Ashton happy.

“Okay. So one time – I was eight, I think – we had this family reunion. And I have this huge ass family but I barely ever get to see them, except for my grandparents and my favourite uncles, so obviously I didn’t know anyone there. But it’s kinda embarrassing, right, when you don’t know your own family?” He started.

“And I am one of the youngest of the entire family, so one of my older cousins was teasing me, saying how I didn’t know anyone while he claimed to know _everybody_. So I got a bit mad and I wanted to prove myself by pretending like I did know everyone too.”

“So there was an older woman sitting a bit alone and I walked up to her and I hugged her and said ‘ _hello auntie’_ to her really loudly so my cousin would hear it.”

“Then what?” Ashton asked, and Calum could hear practically hear the curious smile in his voice.

“Well, it turned out she wasn’t my aunt. She wasn’t even related.”

Ashton started giggling.

“She gently pushed me off of her and said: _‘I’m sorry honey, but I am the janitor’s wife’”_ Calum chuckled, causing the blonde next to him to laugh even louder.

“Yeah, and the worst part is; my _entire_ family saw it and laughed at me. My mum was pretty pissed, but my dad thought it was pretty hilarious. He made fun of me for _weeks_.”

“Poor you” but the giggle that followed the words told Calum Ashton didn’t really mean it.

 

“It’s safe to say I wasn’t very excited for the following reunion” the youngest said as soon as the blonde was done laughing, only to get him to start giggling again. He just really liked the sound of it.

 

“Your turn” Calum said after a short, comfortable silence.

“What?” Ashton questioned.

“To tell me something good.”

“Oh. Right” Ashton mumbled. He was quiet for a bit, and Calum worried he had said something wrong or whatever. Then Ashton started to talk.

 

“My dad took me to my first concert when I was nine. My mum didn’t want us to go, thought it would be too much for me since it was a rock band and all, but dad took me anyways. I had these huge yellow construction headphones on and my dad had bought me a shirt and a merchandise stand and it was awesome. He let me sit on his shoulders the entire night so I could see everything.”

Calum smiled at the sky while Ashton spoke.

“We also listened to the cd on the trip back home and my dad and I were singing along and it was so much fun. I asked my dad to let me play an instrument and we bought a drum kit the day after. Dad assigned me to a music school and though mum wasn’t happy about it, I practised every single day when I got home from school. I did little shows for my dad when he got home from work and it was so awesome.”

“One day, our neighbour came to complain about the noise and my dad made me come downstairs and asked her to say it to my face. She left without saying anything. I didn’t really understand what was going on, until my mother told me the story years later.”

 

Ashton was silent then, and the raven haired boy noticed his voice suddenly sounded a lot less happy then when he had started the story.

 “Your dad must be really supportive of you.”

No answer.

“I bet he’s proud as hell too.”

“He was” Ashton replied quietly.

Calum cringed and then rolled onto his side to face the boy next to him.

He was about to tell his friend he was sorry but then the blonde rolled onto his side too, so their faces were only inches apart. Calum could feel the other boy’s breath against his forehead and his eyes were staring right into Calum’s; it was so distracting, he forgot how to speak.

 

“Mister Hood!” a voice called right when the raven haired boy realized he still hadn’t said anything, and the two boys quickly sat up. Calum turned around and watched Mabel walking towards him.

“You are late for your session with doctor Rooney!” She said, sounding slightly irritated.

“It’s messing the entire schedule up.”

The boy jumped up and walked towards her, leaving Ashton behind.

“I am sorry, I forgot.”

“I understand, since it’s only your second day. I won’t be taking any points, but let this be a warning” her stern voice said while she turned around and walked Calum back to the entrance of the hospital.

“There are a lot of patients who now have to wait longer for their appointment, and certain patients don’t deal with that kind of change very well.”

“I’m sorry” Calum repeated by lack of a better response.

Mabel’s expression softened then.

“It’s alright honey. Just don’t let it happen again. It’s just distressing for certain people, that is why I don’t like people showing up to late. It’s not your fault though, since you’re new. I’m sorry for raising my voice at you” she apologized, making Calum feel a little better. He still felt bad for the patients Mabel had been talking about though.

 

### ***

 

“Ah, Calum. It’s good to see you; I was starting to get worried about you.”

“I’m sorry” the boy said for what felt like the millionth time. He did mean it though.

“Don’t be, you’re only five minutes late.”

The boy nodded, wishing doctor Rooney to just get to the point so he could leave soon. Calum disliked individual therapy already.

 

“Do you want something to drink?”

“No thanks.”

“Okay. I’m getting some coffee though, so take a seat; I’ll be right back.”

The middle aged man left his rather small office and the patient looked around the room. He had felt so uncomfortable the first time he had been there, that he had only stared at his own hands.

The room was bright, with white walls and a light wooden floor. The soft armchairs were a light shade of grey and the coffee table in between them was black. The desk in the back was white and the chair behind it was light grey as well. The potted flowers were the only source of colour, but there were quite a lot of them, so the room wasn’t boring at all; Calum thought it looked rather nice.

 

 “So, Calum… How have you been?”

The raven haired boy fought the urge to roll his eyes; he hadn’t seen the man for like twenty hours. There really wasn’t much to tell.

“Better than expected” was his honest answer. There really was no point in lying to his therapist.

“That sounds good. You don’t look too excited about it though” doctor Rooney remarked.

“Why’s that?”

Calum looked away from the man and down at his hands, which were in his laps and thought of an answer.

“I guess I feel guilty. And scared.”

“Please explain.”

The boy sighed.

“I feel guilty because I should feel terrible. I should be crying all day, shouldn’t I? I tried to kill myself, and I sort of still want to despite feeling pretty alright most of the time and they put me in a mental hospital. I shouldn’t be walking around, making friends, playing games and having fun. I should be miserable, but I am not.”

The doctor nodded, as if telling Calum to continue.

“And I am scared because what if this is just because I am new here? I don’t wanna end up like the others; I don’t want to be crying while admitting I didn’t manage to do any laundry or to take a shower. I don’t want to start _biting_ myself because they took my razor blades like the others.”

“So you feel guilty for not feeling bad and scared to start feeling bad?” his therapist concluded. Calum chuckled humourlessly.

“I guess I do.”

 

“Would you believe me if I told you everybody feels that way in the beginning?”

Calum shrugged.

“Because everybody does.”

“Is that supposed to cheer me up? Because it doesn’t really work…” Calum mumbled while looking anywhere but at the man opposite of him.

“Why not?”

“Because you’re telling me that everybody felt pretty good at the beginning and then started feeling like shit.”

“Do you feel good though? Really?”

Calum shrugged.

“Are you happy in here? Do you wanna stay?”

The boy shrugged again.

“Do you think you could go to school again, go to work, to football practice and be truly happy? Do you think you could live your life without wanting to harm yourself, or without wanting to kill yourself?”

“No.”

“So you don’t feel good?”

“I guess not” Calum admitted, understanding what the doctor was trying to say.

“So you don’t feel good. You just don’t feel the same as you did before you tried to kill yourself. And that’s totally normal; in fact, it would’ve been a lot worse if you had felt the exact same.”

The boy bit his bottom lip and nodded to show he understood.

“And what you see around you is people getting better. All those crying people, all those people admitting they didn’t manage to take a shower; those people couldn’t cry when they got here, couldn’t tell others they had failed at something. It’s progress, it just doesn’t look like it to an outsider.”


	6. Six

_Thursday_

 

“Come on Cal, we need to go!” Luke whisper-shouted once he had found the raven haired boy in the library.

 

After lunch, the boy had decided not to go to the common room with his friends, but to have some quiet time. The silent common room would’ve been a good option but it had been pretty full, so Calum had found himself a nice spot in the very back of the small library. He was reading a book about pirates which was probably written for kids of the age ten to twelve or whatever, but he reckoned it was better than reading a drama or a book about psychology like he usually did.

 

“Where? We don’t have therapy for another fifteen minutes” Calum said after one quick glance to the big clock on his left.

“Yeah, but we’ve got music today. Come on, it’ll be fun; you’ll see!” the skinny blonde promised him excitedly. The raven haired boy rolled his eyes fondly, got up, put his book back on the shelf where he had found it and hurried after his friend.

 

The two of them had reached the therapy room within a minute and found no one was there yet. No one, except for Ashton and Michael.

“Hey” the two said in unison, both looking more excited than Calum had ever seen them.

“What’s up?” the new guy wanted to know.

 “We’ve got music today” Michael explained, which, yeah, Calum knew that much.

“So we are just gonna sit here and wait for fifteen minutes until therapy begins?”

Ashton shook his head.

“No, the social workers will be here any minute with the instruments” he said.

“We always get here early so we can have the best instruments” Michael added.

“Usually, they only give the patients stupid instruments like a woodblock or a triangle but we actually know how to handle real instruments” Luke grinned proudly.

 

Now, Calum knew Ashton played the drums – now that he came to think about that, he realised they still had to stuff to talk about – but he had no idea Luke and Michael played as well.

“Really? What do you play?”

“Guitar” the two boys said at the same time, causing them to burst into a fit of giggles.

“Awesome” Calum grinned.

“Do you play anything?” Michael asked him.

“Yeah, I play the bass” and as he said it, he could see all three of his friends’ faces lighting up.

“I’m not that good though.”

“I think we get to decide of that” Ashton winked at him, which caused Calum’s cheeks to turn pink. 

 

“It’s awesome though, now we can finally start our own band” Luke beamed.

“Yeah” Ashton agreed, but Calum could see the smile fading from his face. Sometimes he really wished he could read that boy’s mind; there seemed to be a lot going on in there.

 

Calum didn’t have time to dwell on it though, or to respond to Luke for that matter, because before any of them could say anything, the loud and cheery voice of a girl filled the room. Calum figured she couldn’t be more than five years older than him.

“Hi guys!” she greeted them like she had been friends with them for years.

“Hi Ash!” the three other boys greeted her almost as enthusiastically.

Then the girl noticed the new boy in the room.

“Ah, fresh meat?”

“Yup. That’s Calum. He’s my roommate” Michael informed the blue haired girl. She flashed the kiwi boy a smile.

 

“Hi, nice to meet you. I am Ashley, one of the social workers. My girlfriend and I usually lead music therapy” she told him as she shook Calum’s hand.

“It’s nice to meet you too” he smiled back kindly.

“Speaking of which; where’s the spouse?” Ashton wondered out loud, which caused Ashley to pout.

“She isn’t feeling well. I think she caught a cold or whatever; she’s been coughing and snivelling all day.”

“Aww “ Luke said.

“Tell her we missed her.”

“ She told me to tell you guys the same” Ashley giggled.

“Anyways, can you guys help me to get the instruments? Some nurses already carried them inside but I’ve still gotta carry them up the stairs.”

“Yeah sure” Ashton easily agreed. The rest followed to two out of the room and down the stairs within a heartbeat.

 

“Hey Ashley” Ashton started while gathering the stuff from the entrance hall.

“Hmm?” she said while hoisting a seemingly heavy bag onto her shoulder to indicate she was listening.

“Can Calum play the bass today?”

“Let me carry that” said raven haired boy mumbled at the same time while making grabby hands for her bag. He took it from her with ease and she smiled brightly at him as to thank him.

“I don’t know, Ash; you know I never give my bass away” the girl stated.

“He plays it though, so it’s not like he wouldn’t know how to handle it” Ashton defended the raven haired boy. It made his heart skip a beat, to know the dirty blonde believed in him even though he hadn’t even heard him play yet.

The girl looked at the raven haired boy then, obviously contemplating whether she was going to say yes or no.

The boy automatically smiled sweetly at her, the way he did when he needed something from his sister. Ashton started giggling once he saw it and Ashley sighed loudly.

“Okay. But one wrong move and you’ll have to give it back, okay?” she said, trying to make it sound like a joke but sounding way too serious. Calum nodded solemnly.

 

### ***

 

The raven haired boy quietly kept on playing while the room was starting to fill with other patients.

The three boys had been messing around on their instruments individually to get used to them while Ashley had rearranged all the chairs so that they were forming one large circle. She had placed an instrument on every single chair and it had been exactly like Luke had said; most instruments were barely worthy of the name.

The four of them were the only ones with proper instruments and Calum couldn’t be any prouder.

 

Ashton was seated on top of a cajon and Michael and Luke both had a guitar in their lap; Michael’s was electric while Luke’s was acoustic. Calum’s dark blue bass was resting on his thigh and together, they looked like a proper band.

If only one of them turned out to have a proper singing voice, the raven haired boy would seriously contemplate going on a talent show.

 

Once every chair was taken, Ashley asked the four to be quiet and started talking.

“Hello everyone. As you can see Ruby isn’t here today, that’s because she isn’t feeling very well. It’s nothing bad though, just a cold – probably.”

“Anyways, today we are going to work on a new song. As always, I am going to let you guys pick. You can pick any song, but it has to be something that actually makes you feel good when you listen to it” the blue haired girl explained.

The entire room fell silent for a while. Then Ashton spoke up.

“How about ‘ _Missing You’_ by All Time Low?”

Ashley smiled at the dirty blonde. Calum was pretty sure he was beaming as well; he fucking loved All Time Low.

“I think it’s an excellent choice; it’s positive and I think everybody will be able to really add to the song, no matter what instrument they’ve picked” she nodded.

“But let’s listen to it first, than we decide.”

 

The blue haired girl put on the song and Ashton, Luke, Michael and Calum automatically started humming or singing along.

 

_I heard that you’ve been_

_Self-medicating in the quiet of your room,_

_Your sweet, suburban tomb._

_And if you need a friend,_

_I’ll help you stitch up your wounds._

Calum glanced at Ashton during the last sentence, only to find the older boy was already looking at him. They shared a look and then continued singing.

 

_I heard that you’ve been_

_Having some trouble finding your place in the world._

_I know how much that hurts._

_But if you need a friend,_

_Then please just say the word._

The raven haired boy then looked at the other two boys next to him. It was crazy to think he already considered them his friends, despite only knowing them for less than a day. Maybe it was because they all kinda shared the same fate.

 

_You’ve come this far,_

_You’re all cleaned up,_

_You’ve made a mess again._

_There’s no more trying,_

_Time to sort yourself out._

_Hold on tight,_

_This right is a wild one._

_Make no mistake,_

_The day will come when you can’t cover up what you’ve done._

_Now don’t lose your fight, kid,_

_It only takes a little push to pull on through._

_With so much left to do;_

_You’ll be missing out, and we’ll be missing you._

It was weird, but the song made Calum feel down and up at the same time.

On one hand, it was kinda painful to sing along to it because, yeah, he’s been self-medicating and he needed to get stitched up. He never had a friend who would be there for him with just one word.

But on the other hand; the song was right. There was still so much left to do and Calum was scared to miss out on that. He knew he had people who cared about him and who would miss him if he’d go; that’s why they had put him here in the first place.

 

As the song continued, the four boys started singing louder without even noticing. Their volume grew with every sentence they sang and once they had reached the last chorus, they couldn’t even hear the music anymore. All that could be heard were the four voices, which were perfectly in sync with each other. Calum thought it was beautiful.

 

The song came to an end a lot sooner than the raven haired boy had wanted it to, but as soon as it was done, all the other patients started to applaud. Ashley did as well.

“That was awesome, you guys! Like, we knew you could sing but today, you were on fire!” she cheered.

“It’s because of Calum” Luke beamed.

“He’s what’s been missing all that time.”

“I wouldn’t say he was missing, because you guys already sounded incredible without him. But yeah; he definitely added up to you lot” the social worker beamed.

 

“But, although most of us wouldn’t mind, we’re not here to just sit and listen to others. It’s time to practice the song together.”

 

### ***

 

“Ash, on your left!” Calum yelled as he ran towards the goal of the opponent.

 

Pretty much all boys and some of the girls had gone outside after group therapy to play some football together.

There was no visiting hour, as it was Thursday, so they had to think of other ways to fill their time.

 

The dirty blonde look around and then his face lit up when he noticed Calum was completely free. One girl and a boy were trying to cover him but he was too quick for them.

The ball came flying his way and the boy easily took it and then continued his journey towards the goal. He looked around to see if he could pass the ball to anyone on his team but didn’t find anyone who he deemed worthy enough so just ran a little harder to kick the ball in between the two orange cones himself. 

The tiny girl that was supposed to be the goalie couldn’t stop it in time and a loud cheer erupted from Ashton and some of Calum’s other teammates.

The game had only just began and the first goal was already made.

 

The dirty blonde came running towards the new guy and held up his hand. Calum quickly high fived him and then they ran back to their own half of the field side by side. Michael and Luke, who were on the other team, rolled their eyes at them, causing Ashton to giggle.

 

The rest of the game was child’s play for then on.

Though the other team had two pretty good players, one being one of the smallest and skinniest girls Calum had ever seen, the kiwi boy was better.

He scored most of the goals all alone, though Ashton did a pretty good job at helping him as much as possible.

The older boy would high five him or ruffle his hair after every single goal and so the smile on the boy’s face grew with every goal.

 

When the time was up and the nurses told them it was time for dinner, Calum’s team had scored eight goals while the other team had only managed to score one.

The raven haired boy’s teammates all cheered and high fived him until only Ashton was left.

The boy was wearing a large grin as he walked up to the star player of their team.

“You were amazing!” he beamed.

“Thank you, you weren’t too bad yourself” Calum smirked back.

The grin was wiped off of his face when Ashton pulled him into a tight hug though. It took him a second or two to realize what was going on, but then wrapped his arms around Ashton’s waist just as tight. He could feel the older boy’s chest pressed against his own and his chin leaning on his shoulder and he was pretty sure Ashton could feel his heart almost beating out of his chest. He could always blame all the running around though.

 

Calum did his best to ignore the way Michael would look from Ashton to Calum and back during dinner, but failed miserably.


	7. Seven

_Friday_

 

It was pretty crowded in the common room, and so Calum had trouble concentrating on his book.

 

He had taken the pirate book from the library to the second common room to continue where he had left of the day before. He’d rather have stayed in the library, since it was peacefully quiet there, but Luke hadn’t let him stay there on his own.

The boy wasn’t having a very good day and his friends had somehow caught up on that, so they refused to let him out of their sights.

 

Both group- and individual therapy had been a nightmare that morning, but Calum had no idea why.

Maybe it had something to do with the fact that he was seeing his family later that day or maybe the novelty of the hospital and his friends was just already gone.

Either way; Calum felt like shit.

 

He kept re-reading the same three sentences, but still had no idea what he had just read.

His mind was all over the place and it was quite frustrating; he couldn’t even read a child’s book.

After the fourth try he decided to just keep reading, in the hopes he hadn’t missed anything important. But once the boy was at the end of the page, he really didn’t know what had happened to the main character.

 

The raven haired boy closed his book harshly and groaned in frustration. He threw the book on the coffee table, which made more noise than anticipated.

Luke, Michael and Ashton all looked up but Calum refused to look at them as tears were slowing starting to well up in his eyes.

 

Ashton, who was on the other side of the couch the kiwi boy was seated on, scooped over so he was right next to Calum.

“What’s wrong?” he asked in a soft and gentle voice, making sure not even their two friends could hear him.

“I don’t know” the boy mumbled while wiping at his left eye where a tear was threatening to fall. He was a sixteen year old boy; he could not cry.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Ashton tried, but Calum only shrugged.

 

The older boy was silent for a bit, and for a second, Calum thought he had given up -  which was a relieve and disappointment at the same time.

Calum really didn’t understand his own thoughts and feelings anymore.

But then the blonde laid his hand on Calum’s leg, just above his knee, to gain his attention.

“Come on. Let’s go for a walk” he suggested.

 

The boys got up and walked out of the common room side by side without speaking a word.

They didn’t really make a sound – except for Calum’s soft sobs and sniffles - until they were outside, underneath the oak tree.

Ashton was the first to sit down in the grass, his back resting against the tree trunk and Calum followed his example.

They were close but weren’t facing each other, and the youngest figured it was the perfect way to talk.

He didn’t know where to start though.

 

“What’s on your mind?” Ashton asked patiently. He sounded a bit like doctor Rooney but Calum tried to push that thought away.

“Too much” the boy chuckled humourlessly.

“Tell me” mused the older boy.

“I don’t really know what’s bothering me. It’s a lot of small things together that is making me feel like this I guess” he shrugged.

“Then tell me about the small things. It might help” Ashton tried to encourage him.

 “I don’t know. It’s just…”

The raven haired boy took a deep breath.

 

“Remember when I said I felt guilty about having fun in here, with you guys?”

Ashton nodded.

“That feeling is already gone. And now I feel bad about how you guys already aren’t enough to distract me anymore, like I am taking you guys for granted. And I feel like I’ve been in here for weeks instead of two days and I just wanna go home. I don’t wanna see other people cry or hear them talk about their problems. And I don’t want my family to come and visit me here, only to leave me behind again. I’m scared I’ll miss them even more after seeing them for one hour.”

Ashton stayed silent, giving Calum the opportunity to continue.

“I don’t want my friends and my classmates and teammates to figure out where I am. I don’t belong here; I am not crazy.”

“Nobody in here is. We’re all just sick.”

“I’m not” said stubbornly.

“You are. Calum, you are here because your illness almost killed you.”

The boy sighed again. Maybe Ashton was kinda right.

“There’s no need to be ashamed of being here, just like someone with cancer or whatever shouldn’t feel ashamed about receiving chemo.”

 

“And I can’t even read a book anymore” Calum admitted after a few moments of silence.

“I get upset over tiny things and when you or my doctor or anyone for that matter asks me what’s wrong, I don’t even know what to say.”

“I don’t know why I am feeling the way I am” The raven haired boy murmured.

“I wish I had an easy answer to that” Ashton replied.

“But I don’t”

“That’s okay. Thanks for listening to me; for being there.”

The raven haired boy moved around a bit so he was close enough to the older boy to lay his head on his shoulder. It wasn’t very comfortable, but he just had to touch the blonde in some way. The boy let his head fall on top of Calum’s in return, causing the youngest to smile a little.

“You’re welcome.”

###    
***

 

“Mum!” Calum all but cried out when he noticed his parents and sister in the crowd of family and other visitors. It caused quite some heads to turn, but Calum ignored the pitiful glances.

He pushed past two bipolar girls and rushed towards his mother, throwing his arms around her and hugging her tight.

“Oh honey…” she cooed while rubbing circles into his back.

 

He tried to fight the tears that were about to fall for the second time that day; he was a sixteen year old boy after all.

It was of no use though. Calum didn’t know why he felt so emotional now that he finally got to see and hug and talk to his family again, but he couldn’t turn it off. So he just sobbed with his face pressed into the crook of his mother’s neck until she gently pushed him off.

“Come on, let’s sit down somewhere.”

“The garden…” Calum mumbled while rubbing at his eyes.

“Okay” his mother agreed easily. Mali Koa took his hand in hers and then Calum led the three of them out of the hallway and into the garden.

 

It was quite busy outside and Calum noticed Luke and three other people – who the raven haired boy figured were his family, for they all looked like the blonde – had already taken his favourite spot underneath the oak tree.

So the boy led his parents and sister towards another quiet and peaceful corner and sat down in the grass, Mali Koa pressed against his side.

 

“So, what’s it like in here? Is everybody kind to you?” David asked once they were settled.

Calum nodded.

“My roommate’s okay and I’ve made two other friends. The nurses and my doctor are all quite nice” he shrugged.

“Yeah? Tell us about your friends” Joy prompted him.

“Well… There’s Michael, my roommate. He’s got OCD and he keeps cleaning everything and it takes up so much of his time but he doesn’t think he’s got a problem. So, he never really talks about it.”

“He’s really nice but he wakes me up by making noise because he cleans our room like five times a day.”

“At least you’ve got a clean room” Mali chuckled.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Then there’s Luke. He’s scary skinny; I bet I could count all of his ribs if he’d take his shirt of. He cries every time we have to eat and they won’t let him go to the bathroom for like an hour after every meal.”

“Michael said he once threw up in a planter, but that was in the beginning when his body couldn’t handle all that food yet.”

Joy and David both cringed.

“Poor boy” his father said and Calum agreed right away.

“And the last one is Ashton. He’s depressed too. I’m not sure what happened to him, but it can’t be good because he tried to kill himself five times and he’s been here for a really long time. No one knows for how long because he was here before everybody else.”

Nobody seemed to know how to react to that, for they all stayed silent, but Mali gave her little brother a side way hug.

Suddenly, the boy felt kinda bad for telling his parents this; what if they would worry more about him now? What if they were scared the same would happen to him?

 

“He’s really kind though. We talk a lot because we understand each other best and he gives really good advice. I like talking to him better than talking to my doctor.”

“I’m not sure if you should talk to him that much” David said carefully.

Calum furrowed his brows.

“Why not?”

“He might be a bad influence” his father explained, causing the raven haired boy to huff, feeling offended on behalf of Ashton.

“He’s not! He gives the best advice; he just doesn’t know how to follow it himself.”

“Your father is just warning you Cal. We want what is best for you.”

“Ashton is what is best for me.”

Joy looked at her son strangely for a little while, and then nodded.

“I trust you know what is best. Just be careful, okay?”

“Of course” the boy nodded solemnly.

 

“So, what’s life in here like?” Mali wanted to know.

 

### ***

 

When a bell rang to announce visiting hour was over, family Hood walked back into the hall of the hospital, where they’d have to say goodbye again.

 

Calum noticed Luke was there too, with what Calum assumed was his mother and two older brothers. The two older blondes looked just like Luke, except they were really muscular instead of skinny. All four pair of eyes were bright blue and Calum thought they were one of the most attractive families he’d ever seen.

Luke noticed Calum looking then and smiled at him brightly; seeing his family had done him good, it seemed.

 

“That’s Luke” Calum whispered to Mali. She turned to look and gasped a little when she saw him.

“Shh!” the boy shushed his sister, his cheeks turning a little red from embarrassment; he really hoped Luke or his family members hadn’t heard her.

“Sorry” she whispered back.

 

Right in that moment, Michael and his parents came walking down the stairs. He didn’t look too happy. In fact, he seemed quite irritated.

“And that’s Michael” he told his sister, who was already looking at the purple haired boy.

“Yeah, I remember him.”

“Right…” Calum said; he had already forgotten about how his family had been in his room with him two days ago.

 

“Where’s Ashton?”

Calum looked around the room, searched between all the families of the patients, the faces he didn’t know.

Ashton was nowhere to be found though.

“I think he’s not here.”

“Maybe he didn’t have any visitors” Mali remarked.

“Yeah, maybe.”

 

Calum really hoped she wasn’t right.


	8. Eight

_Friday_

 

Saying goodbye to his family for the second time had been harder than the first, but his parents and Mali Koa were visiting again on Sunday, and then they were going to stay the entire afternoon.

Calum wanted to suggest his three friends to introduce them to his family, but once the four of them were seated at their table for dinner, he figured now wasn’t really the right time to talk about it.

 

The smile Luke had been wearing after visiting hour – even after saying goodbye – had disappeared from his face the moment he had found out they were having pizza that night.

Michael was still wearing that irritated look on his face and refused to talk to anyone. And Ashton…

 

Well, Ashton looked simply miserable.

He wasn’t even trying to smile, like he usually would.  The bags under his eyes suddenly seemed ten times worse and his eyes were looking dull, like the little bit of light that had been left had now completely disappeared from them.

He hadn’t said a word since he had sat down and Calum was too nervous to say anything to him, afraid he’d say the wrong thing and make the older boy break down or whatever.

 

He ate his pizza in uncomfortable silence and watched how Michael refused to eat anything, which made it harder for Luke to eat. Calum thought it wasn’t very thoughtful of Michael, unfair even, to not finish his meal while the anorexic boy had no choice, but didn’t dare to say anything about it.

The raven haired boy felt the need to comfort the small boy opposite him, but didn’t know how. So he did the only thing he knew to do, even though he didn’t believe it was right.

Calum bumped his knee against the blonde boy’s to gain his attention and quickly mentioned for him to throw some pieces of his pizza onto his plate.

Luke smiled at him through the tears and got rid of three out of the six pieces he hadn’t eaten yet and Calum ate them like nothing had happened.

 

The raven haired boy was extremely relieved once dinner was over and the four boys could head for the nurses’ station to take their medicine, believing everything would go back to normal once they would be out of the canteen.

He wasn’t so lucky though.

None of the boys said a word and so Calum stayed silent as well, afraid he’d say something wrong.

He knew what was wrong with Luke; it had been the pizza. And maybe he had been affected by Michael and Ashton’s mood.

But Calum had no idea what was up with the other two, which made it harder to think of ways to cheer them up.

 

By the time they had reached the front of the line and a nurse handed him his pills, he asked for a simple painkiller as well, for all the thinking and worrying he had been doing since visiting hour was starting to hurt his head.

 

As soon as all four of them were done, Luke, Michael and Calum walked towards the common room to play games. Ashton didn’t follow them though, and when the newest boy turned to see where he was going, he found the dirty blonde was climbing the stairs.

“Ash?”

“Cal…” Michael said softly, shaking his head to indicate he had to let him go.

The kiwi boy slumped a little and watched him disappear from sight in defeat; Ashton had been there for him when he had felt down, why couldn’t he be there for him now?

“Come on, let’s play some bullshit” the purple haired boy smiled a little, trying to lighten the mood like the eldest usually would. It didn’t look convincing though, nor did it work.

 

### ***

“Ash?” Calum whispered from where he was standing in the doorway to Luke and Ashton’s room.

The boy had been playing games with Luke and Michael for about an hour, but had felt guilty about leaving Ashton alone to deal with whatever it was that was bothering him. So, despite Luke and Michael both advising against it, he had decided to check up on him.

 

“Ashton?”

The raven haired boy watched the figure beneath the light blue covers as it lay completely still. He didn’t believe Ashton was actually asleep though.

“Ash?” he tried again; wasn’t going to give up that easily.

“Leave me alone” came the soft voice from the bed. The blonde boy’s voice sounded hoarse and broken, like Ashton had been crying. It broke Calum’s heart.

For a minute or two he stayed silent, contemplating whether he should do what his friend said or not.

 

“No” he decided then. Ashton didn’t reply.

 No, I am not leaving you; you need someone.”

The younger boy walked over to the bed and sat down on it carefully.

“We don’t have to talk; I mean, we can if you want to, but I just wanna be there for you” he said as he watched the few blonde curls that were sticking out from underneath the blankets.

“You’ve been there for me and I might not know all the right things to say like you do, but I’ll try.”

“You shouldn’t be alone right now” Calum said in a pleading voice, growing frustrated because he didn’t know how to help his friend.

Ashton didn’t respond.

 

“Please, Ashton” Calum all but begged.

“Just let me be there for you.”

 

The raven haired boy was about to get off the bed and out of the room, to give up, when the body beneath the covers finally moved.

Ashton threw the blanket off of him a bit and scooped over to make some room.

He still didn’t say anything, but Calum got the message.

He got up and gently crawled into bed next to Ashton, the bed not big enough for them to leave any space in between their bodies. Calum’s knees and feet bumped against the older boy’s multiple times so they wordlessly decided to just slot their legs together. Their hands were uselessly lying in between their chests, too scared to touch each other, and their faces were only inches apart. The raven haired boy could see the remains of the tears and several emotions floating through the hazel eyes in front of him and he wished he could take it all away.

Instead, he thought ‘fuck it’, wrapped his arms around the older boy and pulled him close. He shifted so he was lying on his back and Ashton rested his head on top of his chest, his head tucked underneath Calum’s chin.

The youngest hoped his breathing would lull his friend into a peaceful and serene slumber.

 

The two of them lay in comfortable silence for quite a while and Calum occupied himself by listening to their breathing and the noises coming from outside.

He had only moved once, to brush a strand of hair out of Ashton’s face and tuck it behind his ear and he couldn’t feel more at ease than he did, despite everything that was going on.

 

His mind started racing after a bit though, and he thought of how he should feel guilty again. He wasn’t here to cuddle with cute boys or to play games with his friends. He wasn’t here to play music and think of starting a real band. He was here to feel a little bit less miserable, to work on himself so he could go back home, to be able to go to school without wanting to kill himself again.

But what if they were the same thing? What if being this close to Ashton and having fun with his friends would make him feel better? Could it really work that way?

 

Then his thoughts took another direction and Calum looked down at the boy in his arms. What if he grew too attached of Ashton? What if he got too dependent of the blonde, if his happiness would depend on whether he was with him or not.

And what if Ashton would get out of here before him or the other way around?

What then?

Would they stay friends?

Would Ashton still wanna see him, and cuddle with him and lay in the grass with him and talk to him? Or were they only doing that because one of them felt like shit and the other felt the need to comfort them? Because they only had each other in here?

 

A shiver ran down Calum’s spine when he thought about being stuck in here without the older boy, without any of his friends. They were here before him, so technically, they had to get out of here before him as well, right?

 

Ashton, who had obviously felt it, shifted a bit and then propped himself up so he was leaning on the elbow that was resting next to Calum’s chest so he could look the other boy in the eye.

“What’s wrong?”

The raven haired boy fought the urge to roll his eyes at his friend, to tell him he was supposed to be asking Ashton that and not the other way around.

“I was just thinking…” he confessed.

“About what?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Tell me.”

“Only if you’ll tell me too” Calum said without looking Ashton in the eye, hoping the older boy wouldn’t get mad at him for prying too much.

“Okay” Ashton smiled sadly at the youngest before laying his head down again.

Calum wondered if he could feel the way his heart skipped a beat. He moved his hand so his fingers could move through the blonde hair in what he hoped was a comforting manner.

 

“I was just thinking…” he repeated, thinking about how to put this without sounding weird, too attached; without scaring Ashton off.

“What if you leave?”

“What about it?”

“Well… What will happen? Will I ever see you again?”

“I won’t be leaving any time soon Cal” Ashton reassured him, but it didn’t sooth Calum’s mind.

“But what if you will?” he pleaded.

“What if you and Luke and Michael leave before me? I’ll be all alone.”

 

Ashton rolled off of Calum so he was on his side, facing Calum, and the kiwi boy shifted so he was in his side too, their legs still slotted together.

“You won’t be alone; there’s like fifty other patients in here, you’ll make new friends in no time. And there are so many nurses and doctors and social workers.”

“I don’t want new friends” the youngest pouted stubbornly.

“Trust me: you’ll be out of here before me and before Mikey, so there’s no need to worry about that. I’m not so sure about Luke though, he’s doing pretty great.”

“Okay, but what if I get out of here before you? Can I visit you then?” Calum searched Ashton’s eyes. Said boy furrowed his brows, clearly thinking it over.

“You wouldn’t do that” he stated matter-of-factly.

“Of course I would.”

“No. You wouldn’t wanna come back here.”

“I would for you.”

Ashton sighed.

“Would you really go back to the place where you just spent the worst weeks of your life? Because that’s what it’ll come down to, Cal. Within a week or two, you’ll hate this place so much, you will _never_ want to come back; for no one. This place and the people in here will only remind you of when you were suicidal” Ashton stated.

“Let’s face it: you won’t come back for me, and I won’t come back for you.”

It sounded so harsh, so extremely cold and Calum flinched and then scooped back to put some room between him and his friend.

 

“I…” Calum started, but the tears were already starting to fall. It didn’t really take much to make him cry lately and Calum hated it.

Ashton’s facial expression changed as soon as he saw it, as soon as he realised what he had done. He reached out for the younger boy, wanting to comfort him, wanting to apologize, but Calum was too quick.

“Cal…”

But before Ashton could stop him, the raven haired boy was out of the bed and out of the room, running towards his own room and falling into his own, cold and empty bed. He pulled the blanket over his head and pushed his face into his pillow, hoping it would muffle the sounds of his crying.

 

He had truly believed that what he and Ashton had was sort of special, but apparently he had been wrong. The boy wouldn’t even wanna see him once one of them would be out of here anymore, just because they would remind each other of their time in here.

 

How could Calum have been so stupid to believe he actually meant something to the older boy?


	9. Nine

_Saturday_

 

Calum lay in bed and stared up at the ceiling while Michael got ready. He could hear the boy getting dressed and cleaning the doorknob so he could get out of the room to take a shower.

He was still staring ahead when his roommate came back and started cleaning his drawer first. The boy listened to Michael counting to twenty over and over again, and he was pretty sure that if he wouldn’t stop soon, he’d drive Calum insane. Or rather: _more_ insane.

The raven haired boy still hadn’t moved when Michael was completely done cleaning their entire room and changing his bed sheets.

 

“Calum…” he sighed.

“You really need to get out now.”

The younger boy shook his head. He didn’t wanna leave his bed or his room for that matter, he didn’t want to eat breakfast and go to therapy and he definitely didn’t want to face Ashton. Not after the boy had hurt his feelings like he had.

“They’re going to take your points –“ Michael started, but Calum didn’t let him finish.

“I don’t care.”

“But you won’t get to see your family during the extended visiting hour…” his purple haired roommate tried. Calum shrugged.

“I really don’t care.”

Okay, maybe that was a lie. Maybe he cared a little bit. But he’d really rather stay in bed now and not see his family the next day than to have to eat breakfast at the same table and in the same room as the dirty blonde.

Michael sighed again.

“I don’t know what happened with you and Ash last night, but you can’t just ignore him; especially not in a place like this.”

“I can try” Calum shot back stubbornly.

“Fine. I’ll see you in a bit, once one of the nurses has literally dragged you out of bed.”

It sounded like a final warning, but Calum didn’t let it get to him.

 

He listened as Michael cleaned the doorknob thoroughly once again and then listened to his footsteps disappearing into the direction of the staircase.

The raven haired boy could hear him talking to someone – probably Luke – and then the room was completely silent again.

The boy shifted so he was on his side, facing the mint green wall. He stared at it while waiting for a nurse to come and get mad at him.

 

His mind went over his conversation with Ashton, just like it had done _all night long._

He tried to figure out _why_ the blonde had said all those things and tried to come up with lame excuses for the other boy, even though he didn’t deserve it.

Maybe if he would understand the older boy’s reason a bit, it would hurt a little less.

So Calum tried to tell himself Ashton said these things to protect himself; maybe Ashton was afraid Calum wouldn’t wanna be friends with him after this and was convincing himself instead of Calum that they wouldn’t visit each other so it would hurt less if the raven haired boy really wouldn’t show up. Or maybe Ashton believed he was just doing what was best for the younger boy, because he felt like - just because he was older and had been here for longer - he had to look out for him or whatever.

 

No matter what excuses Calum came up with though, none of them were very satisfying and none of them made him feel a little bit better.

 

He lay in bed, staring at the wall of his dull room for another ten minutes until a hard knock on the door was heard.

“Calum Hood, you need to get out of bed _right now”_ a rather low female voice said.

The boy recognised it as Dani’s voice and he rolled his eyes. _Of course_ they’d sent the biggest and least patient nurse to force the patients out of bed.

He didn’t reply though, hoping – despite knowing in was in complete vain – that she would let feel sorry for him and let him sleep just this once.

When he didn’t answer for about ten seconds, she knocked again and warned him she was going to come in if he didn’t let him.

He still didn’t answer.

“Okay buddy, you’ve been warned” she said as she opened the door and walked towards the bed. Calum could feel the blankets being pulled off of him and he looked up to see a slightly annoyed looking nurse looking down on him.

“That’s ten points for not getting out of bed and showing up to breakfast. If you don’t get out of bed right now, I will take another ten points.”

“I don’t wanna get out” he whispered, his voice breaking over the words because he knew she would never give in and he’d actually have to face Ashton soon.

“I’m sorry, but I’m afraid you don’t have a choice hun” she didn’t sound as sympathetic as she had probably wanted and Calum sighed in defeat.

“You can’t run from your problems; staying in bed won’t solve anything.”

The boy nodded, his bottom lip trembling while he tried to prevent the tears from running down his face.

“If you get out now, I will give you your ten points back. But only because this is only your first week!”

The boy wiped at his eyes and pushed himself out of bed. He stood in the middle of the room in just his boxers and a tank top and looked at Dani expectantly.

“I’m not leaving. You need to get dressed so I can escort you to the cafeteria” she explained.

Calum’s shoulders slumped as he sighed and then he pulled the drawer of his dresser open. He pulled out the sweatpants he’d been wearing the day before and a random band shirt with long sleeves and followed the nurse out of his room and towards the canteen.

 

### ***

 

The raven haired boy could practically _feel_ all eyes on him as he walked towards his table with his head held low. Dani was walking behind him, in case he’d change his mind and try to run back to the safety of his room.

 

Calum refused to look up once he had reached his table and sat down next to Michael, opposite of Luke. He didn’t wanna see the apologetic look Ashton would probably be wearing, or the pitying one Luke had to wear for sure. Calum hated knowing the anorexic patient was probably worried about him, hated knowing he took these kinds of confrontations to heart, but it wasn’t his fault; it was Ashton’s.

 

“Calum…” the eldest whispered as soon as the nurse had left them alone, pleaded, but the boy chose to ignore him in favour of eating his breakfast.

He could hear the other sigh and continue eating and Calum squeezed his eyes shut, trying to push the bad thoughts away.

Had Ashton seriously given up on making up with him already? Was he really that unimportant to the older boy?

He could feel Luke moving his leg so his knee bumped into the tan boy’s one and he finally looked up to flash the boy a sad but grateful smile, which the blonde returned immediately. Calum pretended he couldn’t see Ashton looking at him with big, sad eyes from next to Luke.

 

Just like the night before, no one spoke a word while eating their meal, which didn’t surprise Calum. He was glad of it, somehow, because at least he didn’t have to pretend he was alright.

That was probably the only advantage of the hospital; he wasn’t expected to act happy all the time, like he used to be at school and at home.

 

Eating wasn’t as easy as it had been the night before. It was almost like he was too sad to. Every bite went down with a struggle, but he refused to stop before he had finished his only half full bowl of cereal. He had to finish it, for the points he needed for tomorrow and for Luke.

It took him longest to finish his meal; even Luke had to wait for him to finish which the blonde seemed to be conflicted about. Calum noticed he looked pretty pleased, proud even but he could still see a hint of worry in his bright blue eyes.

The raven haired boy tried to flash the youngest a smile, which he returned but didn’t take the concerned look away. 

 

After lunch, it was time for group therapy, and _of course_ today the group would be sorted by illness, meaning Calum was forced to group with Ashton.

The raven haired boy was convinced doctor Whitfield would notice the change between the two friends, especially since the two of them had been awfully close from day one, and would force them to talk about it. So it was safe to say the boy walked there with a heavy heart.

 

Luke, obviously not liking the tension _at all_ , walked by his side and put a hand on his shoulder to gain his attention. The two youngest stopped walking without Michael and Ashton noticing and they waited for them to be out of earshot before Luke started to talk.

“What’s up with you and Ash?”

“Why does everybody keep asking that?” Calum groaned. He knew very well pretending nothing was wrong wasn’t going to solve anything and would only distress Luke even further, but he didn’t know what else to do.

“Because you’re both acting weird.”

The raven haired boy looked away from the skinny blonde and opted to stare at his shoes instead. He really didn’t know what to tell Luke, he didn’t even understand why their little confrontation was affecting him this much in the first place.

“I know it’s none of my business but Ash was crying yesterday and I’ve never heard him cry before.”

Calum’s head shot up and he stared at Luke, his eyes wide and his mouth agape.

“Really?”

The blonde nodded.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to tell on him or to interfere with whatever is going on or whatever, but I just wanna help. I don’t deal with drama very well” the boy chuckled without humour and the raven haired boy stepped forward to wrap his arms around the younger boy. As Luke hugged him back, he tried to not to think of how extremely bony the boy felt and how it felt like he could easily snap the boy in two if he wanted to; instead he tried to focus on comforting the boy and finding comfort in him in return.

“I know, and I am sorry. I just don’t know how to deal with whatever happened myself. I promise I’ll try though, okay?”

“Okay.”

 

### ***

 

“Thank you for sharing John…” doctor Whitfield said after the last patient of Calum’s group had told them how he had managed to reach his goal for the third day in a row.

“Now, Calum…” all heads turned to look at the kiwi boy.

“I heard something happened this morning. Do you want to talk about it?”

The boy quickly looked at the dirty blonde who was seated as far away as possible uncertainly before turning his eyes to the floor again.

“No.”

“You know it’s important to talk about your problems instead of bottling it up.”

“There’s nothing to tell” the boy lied, even though he knew it was in vain.

“Really? I heard a nurse had to get you out of bed and escort you to breakfast.”

The boy looked up at the doctor, and when he saw nothing but patient and genuine eyes, he decided he had no choice but to talk.

 

He took a deep breath and casted his eyes downward again, his fingers tugging on his long sleeves and he thought of how to explain what happened.

“Ashton and I had a…”

The boy bit his lip awkwardly.

“Altercation” he muttered eventually, refusing to use the word _fight._

“Really?” the doctor said, sounding surprised.

“What about?”

“It’s nothing. It shouldn’t even matter; I’m just being stupid” Calum mumbled. Really, he knew he was making a way too big of a deal out of this, but it just _hurt_ so much. He felt betrayed by Ashton.

“But it does. You couldn’t get out of bed because of what happened, so apparently, it is important to you” the doctor reasoned.

“Who said I couldn’t get out of bed because of what happened?” he tried stubbornly, but obviously, doctor Whitfield was smarter than that.

“Nobody did, but trust me: I know how this works.”

Calum hummed.

 

“Calum, I get you don’t want to talk about it in front of everybody, but you can’t just ignore it if it is upsetting you this much so I suggest –“

“What is upsetting me is that I am so affected over something so small, not the thing itself” Calum interrupted the man.

“Normal people would just shrug it off, but I can’t”

“That’s totally normal though” a girl – Calum thought her name was Anne – offered him a reassuring smile.

“I cried because I dropped my pencil yesterday, because it made me feel like I couldn’t do _anything_ right.”

“Yeah, I get upset over tiny things all the time. I didn’t sleep for two days after my dad told me my dog probably missed me” John added.

“You are here to learn how to deal with these kinds of situations” doctor Whitfield nodded .

“So as I was saying: I suggest you and Ashton talk it out together, or with a therapist to help you guys out.”

 

At that, the youngest of the two looked up at the blonde for the first time since they had started therapy, only to find him already looking at him. His eyes were looking tired and sad, resembling those of a kicked puppy and suddenly, Calum felt guilty on top of everything else.

They really had to talk.


	10. Ten

_Saturday_

 

“Calum, I am so sorry, I had no right to say –“

“No, you were right” the youngest interrupted Ashton as soon as they were outside of the room, in the middle of the hallway. He didn’t believe his own words but he just wanted to be on good terms with Ashton again.

“You were right; it’s probably better if we don’t see each other after this. You and I are too much alike; we’re both sick and fucked up and we would only bring out the worst –“

“No” Ashton shook his head, grabbing Calum’s hands to make him listen to him.

“I shouldn’t have said that, I knew that before I even said it but I really thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was protecting you by distancing myself from you but I was wrong.”

“I don’t understand?” the youngest muttered while looking at his hands in Ashton’s bigger ones.

“Calum, I am a bad influence on you.”

The kiwi boy shook his head.

“I am, and I thought you’d be better off without me but then I fucked up and hurt you anyways and now I don’t know what to do anymore.”

The older boy pulled on his hands gently, forcing Calum to take a step closer to him.

“I’m not.”

“What?”

“Better off without you…” the youngest said, staring into Ashton’s eyes, wishing he could just make him believe it already. It was the older boy’s turn to shake his head in disbelieve.

“I mean, yeah, I get that you’re like, really sick… Probably worse than me but we can help each other out, right? I feel like you are the only one in the world who truly gets me; I love talking to you, you always know what to say.”

Calum took another step closer to the older boy and pulled his hands out of Ashton’s so he could wrap them around his shoulders.

“Ash, you’re so wise... I wouldn’t know what I’d do without you”

“You’ve know me for four days” The older boy chuckled, wrapping his arms around Calum’s waist tightly, burying his face in the crook of the tanned boy’s neck.

This caused the younger boy to laugh too, despite the serious situation.

“Yeah, but it feels like I’ve known you forever. I know that’s the most cliché thing to say, but it’s true.”

“I know. I feel like that too.”

 

Because Calum didn’t know what to say to that, and because he was way too comfortable in Ashton’s embrace, he didn’t say anything. He just stood there, wrapped up in the older boy’s arms and pressed a – very platonic, alright – kiss to the boy’s temple.

He was sure there were still some things they had to talk about, but they were probably alright for now.

 

“Wanna go outside until you’ve got therapy?” Ashton asked after a few moments of just existing together.

“Yeah” Calum agreed right away. He felt a bit reluctant to let go of the older boy, but he knew it would be impossible to walk down the stairs if he didn’t. He made sure he stayed close to him though, their hands brushing and shoulders bumping with every other step they took; Calum wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

They sat underneath the tree that somehow had become the safest place in the entire hospital to the dark haired boy and talked about everything and nothing all at once.

It might have been superficial chit chatter but maybe that was exactly what the boys needed in that moment. They were forced to talk about their feelings and worries all the time and it was nice to be able to pretend those didn’t exist, even it was only for half an hour.

 

Calum tried to ignore the feeling of butterflies in his stomach whenever Ashton looked at him with his wide hazel eyes, or whenever the other boy giggled that cute, high-pitched giggle of his. The boy tried not to think of how parts of him were always touching the blonde, even without his brain telling his limbs to do so. It was like he was drawn to the boy and he tried to tell himself it was because they understood each other and not because the boy was gorgeous, radiated sunshine despite being so dark on the inside.

It was like he knew how to make everyone feel better but himself.

 

“I should go. Don’t want everyone to think I’m still being unruly” Calum chuckled after a while. He made no move to actually get up though.

“Yeah, you should” Ashton said while watching the younger boy expectantly.

The raven haired boy looked into his hazel eyes for another moment and then finally forced himself to push himself off of the grass. He waved at the blonde one last time before making a beeline for the entrance of the hospital, finding doctor Rooney’s office door was already open.

 

“Hello Calum. Do you want something to drink?”

The boy declined like he always did, and the doctor left him alone for a bit to get himself a cup of coffee. Calum fiddled with his own fingers while thinking of what to tell his therapist once he’d ask him how he was feeling.

Doctor Rooney had told him to tell him _everything_ that’s on his mind, because he can’t help Calum if he keeps things from him, but was he supposed to talk about his friendships and stuff too? Was he supposed to tell what happened with Ashton and why it had hurt so much? Did the doctor really wanna hear about how Calum really felt about the older patient?

 

“So…” the doctor started while closing the door behind him and placing his mug on the coffee table. Calum jumped a little, for he hadn’t seen him coming in and the young doctor cocked an eyebrow at him, which the boy brushed off with a shrug.

“Deep in thought, huh?” the doctor asked and Calum found himself nodding right away.

“What about?”

“Something happened yesterday.”

“Tell me about it.”

Calum sighed and stared at one of the many paintings in the doctor’s office. It were just blotches of different shades of blue, some yellows and oranges but the boy could tell it was supposed to be the sea and the evening sky above it; it looked pretty.

“Ashton said he wouldn’t visit me if he’d get out of here before me and he wouldn’t want me to visit him if it were the other way around.”

It really bothered Calum, and saying it out loud somehow hurt more than just thinking about it. Like it was more real.

“And, like, I was really mad at him because I thought we were friends, but we talked about it and such so we’re on good terms again.”

“But?”

“He only apologized for saying it to me but he didn’t say he hadn’t meant it or whatever. He didn’t take it back.”

 

“Did he tell you why he said that?”

“Yeah” the young boy sighed. Doctor Rooney didn’t say anything, just patiently waited for Calum to speak up with an expectant look on his face.

“He said we wouldn’t want to go back here after we get out because it would remind us of when we were in a really bad place. Also he said he thought he was a bad influence on me and he thought I’d be better off without him.”

“Do you agree with him?”

“I probably wouldn’t _like_ coming back here, but I’d do it for him. I thought he’d do it for me too.”

“And do you understand why he said he feels like he is a bad influence on you?”

Calum bit his bottom lip and thought. He looked around the room, as if that would give him all the answers.

“No. Honestly, I only feel better when I am with him.”

“You should tell him that.”

Calum smiled a little and then nodded. He really should do that.

“And I think you should let him explain how he feels. I’ve known Ashton for a while, and I know he doesn’t just say stuff. He must’ve had a reason. I know it’s scary, to talk about feelings and stuff, but that’s the only way to understand each other completely.”

The patient nodded again, feeling a _lot_ better than he’d done since his little fight with the blonde. It was amazing how much a bit of talking could do, really.

 

###  ***

 

Calum didn’t really get to talk to Ashton for the rest of the day, at least not one on one. He’d tried to find the right moment, but whenever they hadn’t been in therapy or in the middle of the canteen, Luke and Michael had been around. And no matter how much Calum liked the two, he really didn’t need them around when talking to Ashton.

 

In creational therapy, the raven haired boy had tried to counterfeit the painting he had seen in his therapist’s office.

It hadn’t looked anything like the original, but Calum had had fun while making it. Somehow, just adding different colours to a blank page to create an abstract image had worked very soothing, and as long as he had painted, he hadn’t really worried about anything. Of course, all the thoughts came back as soon as he was done, along with the insecurity about his painting not being near as good as any of the other patient’s creations, but at least he had learned how to calm his mind for a little while.

 

Luke and Michael had spent most of their time painting each other, chasing each other through the room and covering the other’s faces in bright yellow and red paint. The nurses hadn’t been very happy about it, but that hadn’t stopped the two. That is, until one of them got sick of the boys and took points away, which had caused the two to stop immediately and stare at their paintings in complete silence for the rest of the hour.

 

Ashton, on the other hand, had been painting in concentration the entire time, much like Calum had done.

When the raven haired boy had looked over, he had been pretty impressed with his blonde friend.

The boy had only used different shades of grey and black, which Calum thought probably wasn’t a good thing. He had painted dark grey clouds with here and there a tiny ray of sun shining through them. There was rain pouring out of the clouds, unto the empty streets. Empty, except for one, lonely person. Calum reckoned that was supposed to be Ashton, but he wasn’t going to ask him about it.

“It’s really pretty” the raven haired boy told him, which caused the older boy to look up and smile sadly at him.

“You think so?”

Calum nodded.

“Yeah, of course.”

“Thanks.”

 

During lunch, Calum could tell something was still up with Ashton. He was talking, but not as much as he usually did, and his smile seemed less genuine than it had done before. He wasn’t sure if it was because of what had happened between the two of them or because of something else, so he tried to ignore it.

He couldn’t help but let Ashton’s mood affect his though, and so the four of them ate in complete silence; for the third time in a row.

 

The black haired boy kept thinking about what had happened the last twenty four hours – from the weird mood everyone had been in since visiting hour, to his fight with Ashton and to when they had made up. It was like a turmoil of thoughts and emotions inside of his brain, with how happy he’d been to see his family to how guilty he had felt when he had seen the state Ashton and Michael had been because of their visit or the lack of it.  

It was such a weird sensation to him, because for the last couple of months he hadn’t really felt anything. He had been so numb, feeling like he was simply existing while everyone around him seemed to be living. And then he tried to kill himself and got stuck in here and now he felt all these kind of things – happy and sad feelings alike - and it was scaring the hell out of him.

 

One moment he felt like he was too good to be in here and the other he feared they were never going to let him leave.


	11. Eleven

"Ash?"  
The older boy only hummed in response, letting Calum know he was paying attention.

The four boys were seated in the common room, where Luke and Michael were playing a game of chess and Ashton was reading a magazine. Calum had been cuddled up against him, with his head in the older boy's lap, watching the people around them for the last twenty minutes. Today was Sunday, and apart from individual therapy and their three meals, the patients weren’t forced to do anything.

  
"Do you think there's a wrong way of being depressed?"  
The blonde put down his magazine and looked down at Calum. He had a bit of a double chin like this, but the younger of the two still thought he was the definition of gorgeous.  
"What are you talking about?" he asked, his facial expression turning concerned.  
"Well, I was thinking: what if I am not really depressed? Or, like, not depressed enough to be in here? What if I only think I am?"  
"You tried to kill yourself" Ashton pointed out.  
"Yeah, but maybe I was just confused though" Calum reasoned.  
"Isn't that the same thing?"  
Calum sighed.  
"I just mean that it's like everyone in here has a reason to feel the way they do and I don't. Like, I've never been bullied, raped or abused or whatever and I feel like I have no reason to wanna die."  
Ashton looked at him for a while, clearly thinking of how to answer him.  
"It's not like there has been one thing that made people in here depressed though. It's usually a combination of factors, I think. Maybe you've just got several small reasons or maybe your brain is just messed up" he eventually said.  
"I just feel like I'm selfish for being in here. I've had a pretty good youth and a nice family, why can't I be happy about that?"  
"I don't know..."

  
The older boy moved his hand so it was on top of Calum's head, his fingers gently petting his hair. The younger of the two closed his eyes, suddenly feeling how tired he was after barely sleeping the last two nights. Everything that had happened with Ashton was making it hard for to get any rest. His brain just kept going over every word the two of them had shared and it was tiring him out.

 

When the boy woke up, about half an hour later, it was by Ashton gently shaking him.

“Calum” he whispered, despite his goal being waking Calum up instead of not disturbing him.

“Cal, your family will be here soon” he told him while continuing to shake his shoulder.

The boy rolled over so he was lying on his back, looking up at the dirty blonde, blinking against the bright light in the common room. He was convinced his hair would be sticking into every direction, but he couldn’t really care about that.

“Morning” Ashton giggled, even though it was almost half past three.

“Hi” Calum chuckled back.

The elder of the two moved his hand through Calum’s thick, black hair and smiled down at him.

“Your family will be here any minute” he repeated and Calum nodded.

He was excited to see his family again but tried not to show it for Ashton’s sake.

“What are you going to do?” he asked, because he didn’t want to ask whether the boy was expecting someone or not.

The eldest shrugged.

“I might stay here, play a game with one of the nurses or read a book.”

Calum pouted up at him; he didn’t like the thought of leaving Ashton all alone with the staff.

 

Suddenly, an idea popped into his head.

He sat up quickly and looked at his friend with a smile on his face.

“Why don’t you come with me instead?”

Ashton furrowed his brows in confusion.

“Isn’t your family coming over?”

“Yeah, but you can join us. I promise my parents are really nice, and you should definitely meet my sister.”

“I don’t know” Ashton said, shaking his head. Calum’s smile faltered a little but he didn’t give up.

“It’ll be good for you; better than staying behind on your own.

“I don’t think they’ll appreciate me tagging along, they are here for you after all.”

“It’s an extended visiting hour, which means I won’t have anything to tell them after like forty minutes anyways. Besides, I bet they’ll love to meet my friend, I’ve told them about you last time” the kiwi boy pushed.

“Please, Ash? It’ll be so much more fun with you there.”

Ashton’s brows were still furrowed and he uncertainly shook his head again.

“If you don’t want to join me and my family, I’ll tell them to go home. I’m not letting you sit here all by yourself.”

The blonde sighed and Calum could see his resolve crumbling. He knew he had practically won already, but still decided to throw in his puppy dog eyes; it always worked on his sister, so it might work on Ash too.

The boy giggled and rolled his eyes at the younger boy.

“Okay. I’ll come with you. Just promise me your parents really won’t mind.”

“I promise.”

 

### ***

 

“Cal-pal!” Mali Koa cheered as her little brother wrapped his arms around her and lifted her up to spin her around.

He put her down and looked at Ashton, who was awkwardly hovering behind him.

“Guys, this is Ashton. Ashton, meet my family” he smiled what he hoped was an encouraging smile at the blonde. Said boy held out his hand to properly introduce himself.

“Nice to meet you” he mumbled as he shook Joy’s hand and then nodded at David politely.

“Likewise” Calum’s dad smiled kindly at Ashton, but his friend could tell he wasn’t completely at ease yet.

“Ashton didn’t have any visitors so I invited him to hang out with us” Calum said as he looked at his friend, hoping he wouldn’t mind him telling his family that. Ashton kept a straight face though.

“That’s really sweet of you, honey” Joy said, pressing a kiss on the top of his head.

“Shall we go outside again? The weather’s lovely” Mali piped up to break the slight tension and Calum smiled at gratefully.

 

“Cal told me you play the drums?” Mali said as she walked out of the hospital in between the two patients, looking at the blonde curiously. Calum watched his entire face light up and smiled at the sight.

“Yeah! I wanna make music when I get out of here. Start a band, write songs, be a proper musician” Ashton told her enthusiastically.

“Cal and I played together with two other friends last Thursday. You should’ve heard us; we were pretty sick.”

“Luke and Michael?” Mali guessed, and Ashton beamed at her before nodding.

 

The three teenagers walked up to the tree and sat down, Calum’s parents joining them soon after.

The raven haired boy could see his mother looking at his friend with a certain look in her eyes he couldn’t decipher. It was like a fond look, mixed with worry and pity, he figured.

 

“Did you know your little brother has, like, the most beautiful singing voice ever?” Ashton continued and Calum looked at him surprised. The older boy winked at him quickly when he noticed this.

“Yeah, I did know that actually” Mali chuckled, pretending she hadn’t seen the encounter between the two boys.

“Mali’s got a great voice as well” the raven haired boy piped up, and then it was Ashton’s turn to look surprised.

“Really? Can I hear?”

His older sister looked at Calum and the boy nodded excitedly.

“I didn’t bring my guitar though, obviously” she giggled a little uncertain, but Ashton wasn’t having it.

“I don’t care.”

Mali rolled her eyes and then turned to her brother again.

“Do you remember the song we sang at grandma’s birthday?”

 Calum saw a twinkle in her eyes and nodded.

 

He then started singing the first verse.

 

_Let me go,_

_I don’t wanna be your hero._

_I don’t wanna be a big man,_

_I just wanna fight like everyone else._

During the verse, all eyes were on him, and he could even see other families curiously looking his way. The only eyes that mattered though, were big and the colour of honey.

Then Mali Koa sang the second verse.

 

_Your masquerade,_

_I don’t wanna be a part of your parade._

_Everyone deserves a chance to_

_Walk with everyone else._

 

Calum’s entire face automatically lit up at the sound of his sister singing. She was probably the most important person to him in the entire world, and hearing her do something she loved, something she was so good at, was just so amazing to witness.

He couldn’t dwell on it for very long though, because he had to sing the third verse.

 

_While holding down_

_A job to keep my girl around_

_And maybe buy me some new strings,_

_And her and I out on the weekend._

_And we can whisper things,_

_Secrets from my American dreams._

_Baby needs some protection,_

_But I’m a kid like everyone else._

Then it was time to sing the chorus, and show Ashton what the two of them really could do.

Calum sang the melody and Mali harmonized with him, their voices, which were quite alike, blending together perfectly.

 

_So let me go,_

_I don’t wanna be your hero._

_I don’t wanna be a big man,_

_I wanna fight like everyone else._

 

_Your masquerade,_

_I don’t wanna be a part of your parade._

_Everyone deserves a chance to_

_Walk with everyone else._

 

The two of them stopped then, and their parents and Ashton started cheering right away, as well as some of the other people around. Calum found himself blushing when he and Ashton locked eyes, loving the attention he was receiving.

 

The older boy wrapped his arm around Calum’s shoulder and pulled him a little closer to him in some sort of sideway hug.

“That was amazing Cal” he complimented him.

“Thanks” the kiwi boy muttered while looking at his own feet, the light shade of pink on his cheeks darkening. He could pretty much feel his sister’s and mother’s knowing eyes on him.

 

### ***

 

The afternoon was perfect, really.

The five of them spent most of their time talking and singing random songs. Ashton had gone to grab the Uno cards from the common room to teach the family Hood the game bullshit, which they had played for almost an hour straight.

Joy had lost the first game, because she had needed a little longer before completely understanding the game, but once she did, she was pretty good at it. As a wife and a mother, she could tell exactly whenever David, Mali Koa and Calum were lying, which the other three couldn’t stand. Ashton found it all very funny whenever his mother called bullshit on Calum over and over again.

 

Calum could tell his family tried to keep the conversation light for the sake of Ashton that day. During their last visit they had asked the youngest member of the family how he felt and how therapy was going and such, but they were obviously avoiding these kinds of subjects this time, which the boy was very grateful for.

 

When it was time for Calum’s parents and sister to go home, the three of them hugged the raven haired boy tightly, Joy and Mali both kissing him on the cheek before letting go. Mali hugged Ashton as well and whispered something in his ear, something Calum couldn’t hear. He furrowed his brows at the blonde curiously, but he only shrugged sheepishly. Calum made a mental note to ask him about it later.

 

“Bye baby. We’ll be back on Wednesday” Joy promised when they really had to leave.

“Okay. I’ll see you then” he smiled, trying to hide how sad he was about not seeing his family for two and a half day.

“Thanks for today” he added and the woman smiled at her son. Calum didn’t have to specify to make her understand he had been talking about Ashton, about making him feel like part of their group.

 

The boy stood in the middle of the hallway of the hospital, staring at the door his family had just walked out without moving one bit. He could feel Ashton taking a step closer to him and wrapping an arm around his middle.

“I miss them already” Calum chuckled without humour and Ashton hummed in response.

“It’ll be Wednesday before you know it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't really have a specific reason why I wanted the siblings to sing the song they did, I just like it and couldn't think of a 'fitting' song.
> 
> It was inspired by this youtube video:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6MjHA3cLKn0


	12. Twelve

_Sunday_

 

“Thank you for today” Ashton whispered from where he and Calum were squished into one too small chair. One of the younger boy’s legs was thrown over Ashton’s thigh, his upper body turned so his shoulder was pressed against the back of the chair and his chest against Ashton’s shoulder. Calum’s head was lying on the older boy’s shoulder, his hair brushing against his cheek while Ashton’s hand was slowly drawing circles into the skin just above his knee.

 

The nurses had changed the room where group therapy usually was held into some sort of mini cinema and had surprised them with a Disney movie and popcorn. Luke hadn’t been too happy about the snack but had been forced to eat at least a little bit of it. Michael had helped him by feeding him.

 

“You’re welcome” Calum muttered back, understanding the blonde was talking about visiting hour.

“They loved you” he added with a small smile before grabbing one piece of popcorn from Ashton’s and his container.

“They’re really nice” Ashton said, tearing his eyes from the screen in front of them to look at the kiwi boy who was half in his lap. His fingers stopped tracing patterns and lay flat on his thigh instead.

“Thank you” he repeated then, and Calum turned his head to look back at the blonde. He tried to ignore how close their faces now were, but the butterflies in his belly didn’t make it very easy on him.

“You already said that” the raven haired boy giggled nervously.

“Yeah, but now I mean it in general, not just for today.”

“What did I do?” Calum questioned genuinely.

At the same time one of the other patients closest to them made an annoyed ‘shh’ sound and fixed them a look, causing the two boys to chuckle as quiet as possible.

“You made this a better place” Ashton whispered even softer, right into Calum’s ear. The boy’s heart skipped a beat and his cheek heated up so quickly, he was sure the older boy must have felt it.

Instead of responding with words, which he didn’t dare to do anymore, afraid he’d annoy the others too much, Calum pressed a quick kiss to Ashton’s cheek and lay his head back down. He could feel the other boy press a kiss on the top of his hair and smiled sheepishly at the Disney princess in front of his eyes.

 

From there on, it was even harder to concentrate on the movie. Calum was way too aware of how close he was to Ashton and how safe and comfortable he felt in his arms. The urge to just kiss the boy grew stronger every day, and he had only known the boy for five days. He tried to convince himself of the fact it was because they spent like sixteen hours a day together, but figured he would’ve fallen just as hard and just as quickly if he’d only seen the boy for like two hours a day. Ashton was special like that.

He wondered if Ashton felt like that too. He had said he felt like they’d known each other a lot longer than they actually had as well, but that didn’t mean he had, like, feelings or whatever for Calum, right?

 

The kissing scene came on and the raven haired boy watched as John took Pocahontas’ hands in his own and the two of them stared into each other’s eyes for a bit before moving in and locking lips.

The younger of the two couldn’t help but look up at Ashton, partly because he felt uncomfortable looking at kissing scenes – yes, even in animated movies – and partly because he just wanted to look at the boy’s reaction to the kiss.

What he found though was that the older boy was already looking down at him, and the two of them started giggling too loudly right away, causing people to look at them annoyed and telling them to ‘ _shut the hell up_ ’.

 

When Calum looked away again he noticed Luke’s slightly confused and also curious look and Michael’s knowing smirk. He quickly ducked his head and tucked it underneath Ashton’s chin, choosing to focus on the movie instead.

 

### ***

_Monday_

 

“But I want to make a kitten!” Michael exclaimed, taking their piece of clay from Ashton’s hands.

“You’re a kitten” Luke said, trying to make it sound like an insult but failing.

“Too bad, Cal and I voted to make a wolf so we win” the eldest reasoned, depriving Michael of the clay.

“Luke wants to make a kitten too” the purple haired boy shot back, stealing the clay back once again, and Calum rolled his eyes.

“Luke wanted to make a penguin though” he argued, causing Michael to grumble and then pout at the blonde.

“Lukey, please say you want to make a kitten too…”

The skinny boy shrugged.

“I’m down with whatever.”

“So we’re going to make a wolf; that’s how a democracy works Mikey” Ashton smirked at the slightly younger boy. He took the clay back from Michael, who finally gave up, and divided the piece into four smaller ones. He gave the others all a piece and then started rolling his own around in his hands to get it warm and soft.

 

“How are we gonna do it?” Calum asked, since he hadn’t really played with clay since he was in kindergarten.

Ashton shrugged.

“I say we just start and see where it goes.”

The raven haired boy couldn’t help but chuckle at the older boy’s vague instructions but decided to just roll with it. He rolled the clay around in his hands, disliking the sticky feeling of it and occasionally squeezing it into another shape.

Michael was the first who gave up on getting the clay soft and started shaping his piece of clay into what Calum figured was the body.

“I think we should make an abstract wolf. That way people won’t judge us if it looks like shit” he mumbled, creating a weird looking dent near the wolf’s butt.

“Yeah, and then we could paint it all kinds of crazy colours” Luke chimed in excitedly.

“Okay” Ashton easily agreed. He broke his piece of clay into two to make the legs and told Luke to do the same. That meant Calum would have to make the head.

 

The raven haired boy only made the outline of a wolf’s head, the ears turned backwards and the mouth open as if it were howling. For the eyes, he made one hole in the head and one bump. He also added a mohawk, just for the sake of it.

It took Calum quite a while to work on his part of the sculpture though, for he was way too distracted by watching Ashton. The boy was rolling the clay around in his large, dirty hands, the muscles in his arms flexing and relaxing and his teeth biting down on his bottom lip in concentration. While doing this, he was softly humming along to the music that was playing in the background. All in all, it wasn’t easy for the kiwi boy to look away from him.

 

“Okay, let’s put the pieces together” the eldest said once he was done adding tiny spikes to the back of the wolf’s front legs. Luke had made the two back legs very elegant and curly instead and Calum couldn’t help but think how typical it all was.

“I’m not done yet” Michael argued, as he was working on making the body of the wolf completely symmetrically. No matter what he did, nothing seemed to be good enough.

“It looks perfect, Mikey” Luke told him, but the older boy wasn’t having it.

“No, it’s not good enough.”

“We won’t have enough time to paint it if we don’t finish it now” Ashton tried to reason, but it didn’t really seem to convince Michael.

“I’m not done!” he said, raising his voice a little and gaining the attention of one of the social workers. She came walking towards them right away.

“What’s up?” she asked as kindly and cheerful as possible.

The three boys all looked at Michael, not wanting to tell on him.

“It’s just not good enough yet” he mumbled while he kept moving his thumb over the same spot over and over again.

“I think it looks beautiful” the social worker tried, but the purple haired boy didn’t reply. Then one of the doctors who had been watching the four for a while approached them as well.

“Michael, can we talk for a little bit?”

“Can I finish this first?” he sounded annoyed, angry almost and Calum furrowed his brows as he watched it all happen. The boy’s hands started working on the sculpture aggressively but the psychiatrist wasn’t having it. He gently reached for the clay and told Michael to come outside with him.

Frustrated, the boy squeezed the clay before dropping it to the table and then rushed out of the room, cursing under his breath.

The doctor followed him and closed the door behind him, but the three teenagers could still hear Michael screaming at the doctor. Eventually, the noises died down and Calum figured they had moved to somewhere where no one would hear them.

 

Calum wanted to ask what that was about, but reckoned it would be better to just pretend it never happened. He watched as Luke took the body and gently tried to restore it as good as possible and then handed his head over to the blonde so he could put them together, making it look like one piece instead of two.

It turned out the head was way too big for the body and the back legs too small, but Calum still thought they had done a pretty good job. They barely had clay left to make a tail, causing the wolf to look more like a boxer with its tiny, stumpy tail but the boys couldn’t be bothered by it.

While Luke finished up blending the different pieces of clay together, Calum and Ashton went to get the tools for painting. They took all bright colours they could find and four paintbrushes, in the hope Michael would be back in time to help them out.

 

While walking back to their own table, Calum looked around him, at the other patients and their sculptures. Most people were just goofing around like the kiwi boy and his friends, but some people took it really serious and that showed. The sculpture he was most impressed by though was that of a girl who was known for never saying a word; rumour had it she didn’t even talk to her family when they visited her. She had made a statue that could’ve been made by some ancient Greek artist, the face so real Calum half suspected it was just another patient painted white who could wake up any minute now.

 

Just as the three boys had finished filling their little paint trays, Michael came walking back into the room. He was trying to maintain a straight face, but Calum could tell the boy was still annoyed.

He joined the other three, pretending nothing was wrong.

“So, what’s the plan?” he asked, already grabbing a paint brush.

“I don’t think we have one” Luke mumbled. He obviously didn’t know how to act around the older boy.

“Maybe we should just do whatever the hell we want and pray it’ll look alright?” Calum suggested.

“It worked before, so it’ll probably work now.”

 

Without really thinking about it, the kiwi boy dipped his brush into the yellow paint and started covering the right side of the wolf’s head in paint while Luke painted the left side a light blue. Calum was convinced the end result would be shit, but whatever: they had fun making it and that is what counted.

“Who’s gonna keep it?” the boy questioned out loud while adding a second layer of yellow.

“I don’t want it, it looks like shit” Ashton giggled.

“Yeah, me neither” Michael agreed. His mood was already getting slightly better, much to Calum’s relieve.

“I kinda like it” Luke admitted softly while he concentrated on not getting any blue paint on the wolf’s eye.

“Yeah, me too. Maybe we could share it?” Calum suggested, and the youngest agreed right away, without questioning how they were ever going to do that once one of them would leave. They just left it at that.

 

Time was almost up when the four patients were adding all kinds of swirls and loops and dots to the now completely painted statue. Calum was adding little green swirly stripes and tiny white dots to the yellow side of the wolf’s head when he suddenly felt something wet across his cheek.

His head shot up and he looked straight into the cheeky eyes of a giggling Ashton.

“You didn’t!” he exclaimed while bringing his hand to his cheek to see if the blonde had really painted it red.

“Oh yes, he did” Michael said with a smirk on his face and before Ashton could even think of running away, Calum painted a green stripe from one cheek to the other.

The older boy pretty much screeched and moved towards the raven haired boy, but he was quick to run away.

“Come here!” Ashton giggled while running to catch up with him, his wet paint brush reaching towards Calum like some sort of want, dripping red paint all over the floor.

“Leave me alone!” Calum chuckled without any real heat behind it.

Before he knew it though, Ashton had reached him and grabbed his upper arm to stop him from running away again. He couldn’t really decorate Calum’s face any further though, for he quickly moved forward and pressed his face against Ashton’s light grey shirt, rubbing his dirty cheek all over it.

 

“Get a room!” was the last thing the two heard before a nurse rushed in and yelled at them for making a mess.


	13. Thirteen

_Monday_

 

“Do you know what happened with Michael back in there?” Calum asked Ashton as soon as the two of them were outside in the garden after lunch.

Michael had been forced to go to an extra hour of individual therapy to talk about his outburst and Luke was in the common room, being watched by a nurse so he couldn’t throw up the very few bites he had taken. The two depressed teens had offered to stay with him, for he clearly had been upset after what had happened with the purple haired boy. He hadn’t been able to eat the amount of food he was supposed to eat because of it, and they had taken his points, which had resulted into him not having enough points to see his family on Wednesday; it was still possible to deserve enough of them to turn this around though.

Luke had said he had wanted to be alone though, and that’s why Calum and Ashton had let him.

 

“Call me crazy, but I think it’s because of Luke” the older boy said.

“Luke?”

“Yeah. Michael likes him, obviously and I think it’s making his OCD worse.”

“How come?” Calum questioned. He didn’t really understand how that would work.

“I think that Michael wants to do everything absolutely _perfect_ , even more so than normally. He probably thinks he has to be good enough to get Luke to like him, even though that’s quite unnecessary.”

“And why is that?”

Ashton fixed Calum a look.

“Don’t pretend you haven’t seen the way Luke looks at Michael. He’s probably even more gone for Michael than Michael for Luke. It’s tiresome, really, the way they don’t even seem to notice it.”

Oh. Well, that actually explained _a lot_ of things.

 “Isn’t there something we can do?”

“What, you wanna play cupid?” Ashton furrowed his brows.

“Yeah” the raven haired boy shrugged.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea. In fact, I’ve told them both to forget about it.”

“What?!” it’s was Calum’s turn to frown at the other boy.

“Why would you do that?”

“Because it is for the better.”

“You don’t get to decide that though” Calum pointed out.

“It is. I know how it works; I’ve seen it happen before.”

The raven haired boy searched Ashton’s eyes and found the same emptiness and coolness as when they had fought. He was silent for a while, just staring into the blonde’s eyes as if he was daring him to say anything first.

 

“What made you so bitter you had to ruin somebody else’s chance of love?!”

It was more a statement than a question really, but Ashton’s mask didn’t fall. The youngest of the two could feel himself getting upset over this already.

“What made you such a romantic you actually believe love can solve everything?”

“I never said that!” Calum shot back.

“But you do believe it.”

“I believe spending time with the person you love can make you a lot happier than you actually are.”

“You shouldn’t depend on someone else to make you happy” was the last thing Ashton stated before Calum got up and walked away, tears welling up in his eyes again. While walking back into the hospital and to his room, he cursed Ashton for doing this to him again and himself for letting a boy having this effect on him.

As soon as he had reached his room, he crawled into his bed and pulled his blanket over his head, hiding away in the dark and comfort of his own little space and crying over a boy who didn’t even believe in love.

 

### ***

 

Not even fifteen minutes had passed before a knock on the door was heard and Calum angrily wiped at his eyes while hiding a little further beneath his blanket.

“Calum?”

“Go away!” the boy yelled back. He had expected Ashton to try again and probably give up than, but instead the door just opened and footsteps made their way towards the bed. He held on tight to the blanket which was pulled over his head but nobody tried to pull it back. Ashton just lay down next to him while he was hiding away, the boy’s large hand finding Calum’s despite a layer of fabric separating them.

The kiwi boy was aware of how easy it was to just push the blonde out, to tell him to fuck off and leave him alone, to never talk to him again. He just knew, deep in his heart, that that was not what he wanted.

“I am going to tell you a story now. Not to gain your pity, but to gain maybe a little of your understanding. Okay?” the older boy’s gently said.

Calum didn’t reply, just waited for Ashton to start because he knew he would anyways.

 

“Remember the story I told you, about my dad and how he took me to my first concert when I was nine?”

Silence.

“He died two years later. Hanged himself from the fan in my parents’ bedroom when mum was at work and me and my two younger siblings were at school. I was the one who found him.”

Ashton swallowed past the forming lump in his throat and Calum moved his hand to squeeze the older boy’s, as if he were to say ‘I’m sorry’.

“After the paramedics came and took his body away my mum talked to the police. Lauren, Harry and I had been with the neighbours during all of this because my mum didn’t want the other two to see him like that too. When we came back, my mum sat me down to talk about it. She told me dad had been depressed for so long; even before she met him. He had told her about it, about how he had been in a mental institution and what not. She had promised him she’d always be there for him. And at first it had worked.”

Ashton took another deep breath.

“And then me and my siblings came around and he was happy as long as he was with us, yet he was so down when he was alone. We grew up and though he loved us very much, it got harder for him to pretend like he wasn’t depressed at all. He hid it very well; I had no idea at all and my mum didn’t know how bad it really was.”

They lay in silence for a while, and Calum didn’t quite know what to say. It turned out Ashton wasn’t done yet.

“Mum got really depressed after my dad died. She barely managed to get out of bed to take care of me and my siblings, so I had to do a lot around the house. I was practically taking care of our entire family. I felt like I couldn’t mourn my dad because I had to be strong for my mother and my younger siblings. I tried to kill myself for the first time about a year later.”

“Ash” Calum whimpered, prying the blanket away and revealing his tear stained face; both from crying before and after the story. He outstretched his arms and pulled the older boy in, hugging him tightly. That’s when Ashton started to tear up too.

“I’m sorry Calum, but how can you expect me to believe in love when it has done nothing good for us? My mum couldn’t save my dad and me, and I couldn’t save my mum. She can’t even visit me while I’m in here because it reminds her too much of my father.”

The raven haired boy didn’t know what to tell him, so he kissed his forehead instead.

When he looked down at Ashton’s watery eyes, the boy was already looking up at him. So instead of thinking about it, Calum just closed his eyes and leaned in to meet Ashton in a rather wet and salty kiss.

****

### ***

 

Calum knew very well that a story and a kiss wouldn’t solve all of their problems. There still was a lot they had to talk about; just because Ashton had kissed him back, didn’t mean he had actually changed his mind.

The boy also knew Ashton couldn’t solve his personal troubles, though he did make the boy feel better, happier when he was with the blonde. It was like the eldest had said: he couldn’t depend on Ashton too much. But a little wouldn’t hurt, right?

 

“Ohh, look at you two!” Michael commented when the two patients walked into recreational therapy with their fingers intertwined. He had said it loud enough for the entire room to hear, causing everyone’s eyes to land on them. Calum blushed and tried to hide behind the broader and bigger boy.

The older boy sat down next to Luke and Calum sat beside him, their bodies as close as possible. The kiwi boy couldn’t help but notice Michael was already looking a lot better than during lunch, as did Luke. Then he thought of what Ashton had said about the two and he didn’t know whether to be happy for them or worry about them.

 

“So it’s like, really official huh?” Luke carefully asked then, and Calum didn’t know how to answer; he and Ashton hadn’t talked about it at all. So he looked at Ashton for support but said boy only grinned and nodded. Maybe ‘official’ was exactly that for people in here; like they were a legitimate couple until one of them would leave.

Calum knew that it was not what he wanted, but he felt like he didn’t have a choice.

His brain told the kiwi boy he shouldn’t go through with this, because leaving Ashton behind after dating was probably going to hurt more than never even having him to begin with. He knew he should probably protect himself and distance himself from the blonde while he still had the chance.

But his heart told Calum to be selfish and foolish, to hold on to Ashton for as long as he could. Maybe he could even change his mind this was.

 

The raven haired boy closed his eyes, as if that would stop his thoughts from taking his brain over, and rested his head on Ashton’s shoulder.

As the older boy pressed a kiss to his jet black hair, he made a mental note to talk to both Luke and Michael later, convince them to ignore what Ashton had said and to choose love over fear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo  
> That happened.
> 
> Let me know what you think!


	14. Fourteen

_Tuesday_

 

“Good morning” Ashton mumbled, his voice soft and sleepy and his eyes drooping with how tired he was.

“Morning” Calum said while sitting down next to him. He pressed a quick kiss to the older boy’s lips while the other two groaned about PDA and what not. Calum flipped them off and Ashton just giggled as he pulled back from the kiwi boy.

 

“How are you feeling today?” Calum asked the boy next to him quietly while Luke and Michael engaged in their own conversation again.

Ashton shrugged.

“Tired”

“I can see that” Calum chuckled without much humour.

“Why’s that?”

“I haven’t slept very well. Just got a lot on my mind I guess” the eldest admitted and then suppressed a yawn.

“Oh” the raven haired boy muttered, his hand automatically finding Ashton’s underneath the table and squeezing it a bit.

“Wanna tell me what you were thinking about?” he tried carefully.

Ashton sighed, and it looked as if he was going to decline, but then opened up.

“About you” he admitted. Calum’s heart seemed to automatically skip a beat.

“I swore I was never going to do _this_ , whatever this is, and then you come along and changed my mind within a week.”

“Six days” Calum corrected him, giggling as he did. He pressed a quick kiss to Ashton’s cheek when he pulled a face at that.

“Even worse” he giggled.

“And I felt bad about what I said to…” Ashton looked from Michael to Luke and back to Michael and Calum understood immediately.

“We should talk to them about it."

“No; I’ll talk to them when you’re at therapy or whatever” he promised.

“Okay” the youngest agreed right away. He was somehow relieved he didn’t have to be there, assuming Ashton was going to warn them the way he had warned Calum. The raven haired boy wouldn’t be surprised if he’d tell Luke and Michael to just date while they were hospitalized and then forget about it again completely.

 

“Is something else bothering you?” Calum asked then, because he knew Ashton better than both of them would ever admit.

“Yeah, actually”

He took a deep breath.

“I kinda want to call my mother and maybe even my siblings…” the blonde said. It came out more as a question than a statement and Calum’s heart broke a little for him.

“Like, they don’t have to visit or whatever, but it would be nice to at least know how they are doing, you know?”

“Yeah, I get that” Calum said, squeezing Ashton’s hand once again because he didn’t know what else to do.

“We could go together? Like, I could be there with you when you call them?”

Ashton finally looked up at him then, his eyes big and scared.

“Would you do that?”

“Of course!”

“Okay. After group therapy?”

“Whatever you want” Calum smiled at the older boy who suddenly looked so much younger and kissed him on the lips one last time before they had to get in line for breakfast.

 

“Hey, look… Is that a new kid?” Luke suddenly pointed out from where they were waiting in line. Calum looked into the direction of the entrance of the canteen and watched as Mabel walked in, a boy about his age with dark brown hair and a green day shirt following her closely.

“I think so. I like his shirt” Michael said, watching as the boy joined Alex, a bipolar boy Michael sometimes liked to hang out with.

“He’s pretty hot” Ashton said, watching the boy introduce himself confidently to the patients at his table.

Calum’s head whipped around quickly, only to find Ashton was already looking at him. He started giggling when he noticed the offended look in the dark brown eyes and Calum couldn’t help but blush and hide his face in his hands.

“It’s okay babe” the older boy chuckled, but the red on his cheeks got only worse, thanks to the nickname.

“You’re cute when you’re jealous” he added, just to make it worse apparently and Calum groaned.

“You two really are fucking adorable and fucking sickening at the same time” Michael grumbled and Luke hit him in the chest in return.

“Leave them alone” he mused, causing the purple haired boy to roll his eye rather fondly.

 

Ashton and Calum spend breakfast chatting about everything and nothing, keeping their mind off of the important and scary stuff they didn’t want to think or talk about. Michael was too busy with all his eating habits to join the conversation, but Luke did and Calum was pretty sure it was for the very first time, for Ashton seemed quite surprised as well. They both didn’t comment on it though, but the raven haired boy couldn’t help but beam at the skinny boy.

The blonde still took very long to finish his meal, and it was still hard for him to do so but he could talk in between and feel sort of not completely miserable, so that was a _huge_ step.

 

### ***

 

After breakfast, it was time for group therapy, and because Calum was lucky like that, he was not in the same group as any of his three friends for the very first time.

Now, the boy had spent so much time with the three, that he didn’t really know anybody else. Like, he knew the other patients’ names and their problems but that was about it.

 

Nothing out of the ordinary happened during group therapy; some people had reached their goals and some hadn’t and people gave each other advice. It was the same old song, really.

Calum’s goal had been to finish his book, because he still had a lot of trouble concentrating on the words in front of his eyes. He had failed though.

His goal for today was a bit more realistic; it was to read at least one chapter and Calum was pretty sure he could reach this one.

His doctor had said something about having to spend some time on his own, without Michael, Luke or even Ashton, since they were around all the time but Calum wasn’t sure if he was ready for that yet.

It wasn’t like he had to talk to them or do stuff with them every other second of the day, but it was nice to know they were there if he would need them. He felt safe with them so close to him, even if all four of them were doing something else. The boys had his back, and he had theirs.

 

The boy hadn’t been paying much attention while the others talked, for his thoughts had been with Ashton - as they usually were – and what they were going to do after group therapy. Calum just really wanted to boy to be alright, wanted his mother to be kind and loving when Ashton would talk to her and his siblings to be excited to finally be hearing from him.

The raven haired boy just wished he could fix everything for the older boy and to protect him from all the harm in the world, despite Ashton being older. The blonde had been looking out for his mother and his siblings and then for Michael, Luke and Calum, and it was about damn time someone was going to look out for him.

 

As soon as time was up, the raven haired boy practically ran into Ashton’s arms. It was pathetic, really, how needy he was of the older boy’s presence and attention.

“Hi” the blonde giggled as he pressed a soft kiss against Calum’s temple. A few girls cooed at them but the two knew to ignore it. Ever since they were ‘official’, the girls had been going mad over them, telling them they thought the two boys were such a cute couple and what not. Nobody seemed to have anything against it, which had sort of surprised the raven haired boy. He was glad though; he really couldn’t use any more drama.

“Hey. I missed you” Calum admitted as they walked out of the room side by side.

“It was only forty-five minutes” Ashton stated, a happy smile around his face. The raven haired boy could see the nervous edge around it though. He shrugged.

 “I still missed you.”

“Whatever you say” Ashton said fondly. He led the two of them towards the common room while Luke and Michael took off for individual therapy.

“Where are we going?” Calum questioned, furrowing his brows in confusion.

“The common room. It’s raining” the blonde said as if that explained anything.

“I thought you wanted to call your mum” the youngest said carefully.

“Oh. Right.”

“I mean, you don’t have to, but we said –“

“Yeah, I know” Ashton interrupted him quickly.

“I just didn’t think you’d actually wanted to be there while I called so I figured I’d do it during your therapy.”

“Ash” Calum said, stopping dead in his tracks and taking Ashton’s hand in his.

“I said I’d do it, so I will. It’s the very least I could ever do for you.”

“Are you sure?”

“Completely. Come on…”

 

They had to wait for a girl to finish talking to whoever she was talking to and while they sat on the bench across from the telephone, Calum could tell the blonde was growing more nervous with the second. He was bouncing his leg rapidly and his hands were starting to shake. The raven haired boy held him and whispered sweet nothing’s in his ear, not daring to promise Ashton everything was going to be alright; he didn’t know it for sure after all.

Ashton smiled a sad smile at Calum as the girl put the phone down and walked away and the two boys got up.

The blonde’s shaking fingers dialled the number quickly and the kiwi boy took the boy’s larger hand in his own as soon as he was done, reminding Ashton that we was there for him.

The two waited impatiently for someone, _anyone_ to pick up.

Ashton squeezed Calum’s hand in surprise as soon as he heard a voice and for a while, Calum was afraid the older boy wasn’t going to greet the female voice back.

“Mum?” he eventually said, his voice almost breaking over the word.

The voice talked back but the kiwi boy couldn’t hear what she was saying, so he just watched the older boy’s face. He kept a straight face though, wearing a mask Calum couldn’t see through yet.

“Yeah, I… I just wasn’t sure if you wanted me to call”

Ashton sounded so young suddenly, the kiwi boy noted. All of sudden, he wasn’t the older kid looking out for the younger ones, the patient who had been in here the longest and who had most experience. All of sudden, he was just a child.

“It’s not that bad. Everybody’s really nice…” Ashton told the voice over the phone. He locked eyes with Calum but the boy still couldn’t read his hazel ones.

“Hmm” he hummed. The blonde didn’t sound enthusiastic at all, especially not for a boy talking to his mother for the first time in weeks, maybe even months.

“Yeah, I will. Could I talk to Lauren and Harry maybe?” he asked, and then bit his bottom lip. Calum automatically held his hand a little tighter, watching Ashton with concerned eyes.

Then Ashton’s face fell.

“Oh, right. Okay. Tell them I said hi.”

“Okay thank you. Bye” and with that, Aston put the horn of the phone down. He looked at Calum and put the invisible mask back on.

 

“Wanna play one round of bullshit before you have to go to therapy?”


	15. Fifteen

_Tuesday_

 

“So, Calum… I’ve heard you and Ashton are a thing. How’s that going?” doctor Rooney asked after they’ve gone over the day before. The boy’s face lit up without Calum even realizing it.

“It’s really great. But at the same time, it’s awful… Does that make sense?”

“A little bit. Why don’t you explain it to me?” the doctor suggested patiently.

“Well, it’s great because as long as I am with Ashton, I feel amazing. He’s funny and kind and caring and so wise; he always knows how to make me feel better. I feel really safe when I am with him, like nothing could ever harm me. He knows and understands what I am going through and he knows exactly what to say when I feel down. As long as we’re together, I don’t worry about a thing.”

“But?”

“But when I am not with him, my anxiety is ten times worse than it used to be. I worry about him - or _us_ actually - so much, it’s almost too much to take. Like, I’m not even sure if the insecurity that comes with whatever me and Ashton have is even worth it. But then Ashton’s there again and I forget about it and all is well, until he leaves me again. It’s so tiring and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to end whatever we have but I don’t want to feel like this all the time either.”

“What do you worry about?” the doctor asked, little thinking wrinkles appearing on his forehead.

“About what will happen when one of us is getting out of here; I know I will lose Ashton as soon as one of us leaves and I know it’ll break my heart. It sounds quite dramatic, but it’s true. And I worry about not being good enough for Ashton. He deserves someone who isn’t depressed and fucked up, someone who can take care of him without needing to be taken care of in return. He has so many toxic things in his life already, and a depressed boyfriend is the last thing he needs.”

“So you think he deserves better?” the older man asked and Calum nodded, biting his bottom lip.

“Yeah. I can’t give him what he needs.”

“But you and he are together right?”

The raven haired boy nodded again.

“Why do you think that is? Because I’m pretty sure he has to like you at least a little bit to want to be with you.”

“I fear he only sees this as a temporary thing. Like, he just goes with it, knowing it’ll be over soon anyways. Maybe he just thought it would be more fun to date me than to not date anyone at all, like he settled or whatever.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Well, he’s made very clear that he doesn’t believe he and I will keep in touch once this is all over. He doesn’t even believe in love. He even told Michael and Luke – who obviously like each other as well – to forget about it.”

Doctor Rooney frowned then.

“Did he tell you why?”

“I think he thought he was protecting them. He probably knew already that being with someone is nice, but not for people like us.”

“People like you?”

“People who are insecure, people who overthink. Relationships are harder for people with mental health issues I guess” Calum shrugged. He really wished it wasn’t true.

“I see. But you and Ashton are together despite knowing this. You say you’re not sure your relationship with Ashton is worth all the worrying and overthinking at times, yet you’re still with him.”

“Yeah” Calum sighed.

“So, why shouldn’t Luke and Michael at least try that.”

“Well, Ashton said he felt bad about telling them to forget about it this morning and said he was going to talk to them about it, so he apparently changed his mind.”

“What made him change his mind, you think?”

Calum looked up and into doctor Rooney’s eyes for the first time since his therapy session had started.

“I did?”

“From what you are telling me, I believe you did, yes.”

 

“But why don’t you talk about it with him? It’s like you said, he understands what you are going through…” the doctor suggested then.

“Because we’ve already talked about it twice and one or even both of us ends up being hurt every time. I know what makes him say the things he does and I get it, and I don’t want to hurt him by saying it is bullshit.”

 

“I should just stop thinking about it so much and just enjoy it while it lasts.”

 

### ***

 

“Calum, get your ass out of bed, I want to –“

The dirty blonde burst into the younger boy’s bedroom, stopping mid-sentence once he spotted the boy. He was seated on top of the blankets of his bed, his rather long legs folded beneath his body. The sleeves of his sweater were pulled up and Calum’s hand slowly moved over his lower arm.

“What are you doing!?” Ashton rushed towards the raven haired boy and took his wrist in his hand. What he found though, was the last thing he had expected.

“Why are you colouring your arm?” the older boy asked, slowly sitting down next to Calum, his brows furrowed in confusion.

“It calms me down” he explained as he kept covering his white scars in ink.

He hadn’t been able to found a red pen, which he usually used, so he had settled for a purple highlighter. His arm now looked like it was covered in wounds only days old instead of weeks, some even months.

“Really?” Ashton questioned, taking the tanned boy’s scars in. Calum realised he’d never seen them before, because he kept them covered unlike the blonde. He refused to shy away from the boy he was with though.

“Yeah. It’s what I do when I feel like hurting myself” he mumbled. He silently prayed Ashton wouldn’t get worried about him, or force him to talk about it because he didn’t feel like doing that.

“Genius…” Ashton muttered, sounding as if he was genuinely impressed.

 

The two boys sat in silence then, the older one watching Calum colour each and every single scar he had ever made. Or, well, at least the ones on his left arm.

“Do mine?” he asked once Calum was done and the boy stared at Ashton for a little while. He didn’t suppose it would have the same effect on either one of them, but it couldn’t do much harm either. So the raven haired boy shuffled a little closer to the blonde, pressed a silent kiss to his temple and then started colouring his scars.

Ashton had a lot more, and some were slightly bigger than Calum’s, but it wasn’t too bad, the youngest reckoned. It was just that Ashton had other kinds of scars along with the ones from cutting but the kiwi boy didn’t how he had done that. He wasn’t going to ask either.

 

It was soothing, somehow, to colour someone else’s scars.

It was like Calum was making it all a little better, like he was making them look less intimidating; maybe it was because the meaning behind them somehow disappeared as soon as they turned a bright shade of purple. It made Calum feel like he could actually do something for the other boy.

When he looked up at the dirty blonde, he found the boy was already watching him with a small smile and slightly watery, yet fond eyes.

Calum didn’t understand why, but it actually made him feel closer and more connected to Ashton than he had ever felt before. It somehow was the most intimate thing he’d ever done for and with another person.

 

“What?” he asked shyly, concentrating on his task once again.

“Nothing. You’re just really amazing and you don’t even seem to realize it.”

“I’m not” Calum chuckled softly, his fingers gently wrapping around Ashton’s wrist to turn his arm so he could do the inside of it, revealing a long, vertical scar across the boy’s wrist. Calum had seen them before, hell, he had the exact same scar on both of his own wrists, yet a shiver ran down his spine as soon as he noticed them. He started colouring them purple anyways, hoping Ashton wouldn’t mind.

“You are. I know it seems like a really small gesture to you, but it means a lot to me that you’re doing this.”

Calum looked up once again, smiled back at the older boy and pressed a kiss to his lips; he was still holding Ashton’s wrist in his left hand.

 

The older boy was the one to deepen the kiss and it caught Calum a little off guard; they’d never gone further than shy, open mouthed kisses without tongue and he hadn’t expected it to happen yet.

When Calum didn’t respond right away, Ashton pulled back quickly.

“I’m sorry, that was too soon, wasn’t it? I just thought-“ he rushed out.

Calum quickly interrupted it.

“No! No, it’s okay; I was just surprised, is all.”

He moved forward to go back to what they had been doing but Ashton laid his hand on Calum’s chest to stop him.

“I don’t want you to do anything you’re not comfortable with, I just assumed and I am sorry.”

“I want this” the youngest said resolute, looking into hazel eyes to make sure the blonde knew he meant it.

He closed the distance between them once again and playfully licked across Ashton’s bottom lip, wanting nothing more than to taste him again. 

 

“Cal, do you happen to know where your boyfriend is, I can’t-“

“Oh my god!” Michael yelled as soon as he had opened their bedroom door far enough to see the couple on the bed. His hands flew up to cover his eyes.

“I’m sorry!” he screeched. Calum and Ashton quickly parted, the eldest giggling a little as they did.

“You can open your eyes, it’s not like we’re naked or whatever…”

“Oh my god, please don’t have sex in this room, I am really not okay with that” Michael whined, his hands still covering his eyes childishly.

“Of course we won’t Mikey” Calum chuckled, feeling a little sorry for the boy. He couldn’t imagine how grossed out the OCD patient would be if they’d ever do anything like that in his room.

“Oh thank god” he sighed and then finally dropped his arm. The couple watched as the purple haired boy’s eyes quickly took in their arms.

“What did you do?”

“Uhm…” Calum stuttered, suddenly feeling uncomfortable and ashamed. He had no idea if someone who didn’t self-harm would ever understand what the scars meant to people like him.

“We were colouring our scars” Ashton stated matter-of-factly.

“Oh.”

“Okay.”

Michael searched their faces.

“Are you like… alright?” he asked a little awkwardly.

Michael wasn’t one to talk about feelings or whatever, for it made him quite uncomfortable.

“Yeah. We’re perfect” Ashton grinned at the raven haired boy. He smiled back shyly, his cheeks turning a little pink.

“Okay.”

“If you say so.”

 

“Weren’t you looking for me Michael, before you ever so rudely interrupted us?” Ashton asked after a short silence, reminding the boy of why he was here in the first place. Calum’s heart fluttered a little when he thought of how Michael had called Ash his boyfriend, even though he had only said it to tease the kiwi boy.

“Oh, right… Well, I just wanted to ask if you wanted to teach Luke and me how to play poker, like you once said you would” Michael smiled sheepishly at the eldest and Ashton rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, sure. You wanna come too Cal?”

The boy opened his mouth to answer, but the purple haired boy was quicker.

“Pff, as if he’d ever not follow you” he huffed. Calum glared at him.

Then he turned to Ashton.

“Yeah, I’d love to.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the colouring scars part is like my favourite of the entire story. It might seem weird, but it's something I used to do and it really did work sooo... Yeah.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this.


	16. Sixteen

_Wednesday_

 

“Ashton, it’s so good to see you again!” Joy greeted the blonde as she pulled him into her arms.

“Hi mum, nice to see you” Calum mumbled sarcastically. He couldn’t suppress a grin though, especially when he noticed Ashton’s face lighting up after the initial surprise had washed away and his arms wrapping around Joy just as tight. Mali-Koa pulled his little brother into a hug then.

“Hi, baby bro” she said, kissing his cheek lovingly and ruffling his hair for good measure.

“Hey.”

“Where’s dad?”

“He had to attend a meeting. He told me to tell you sorry for not being here and that he was going to bring you a surprise on Sunday to make it up to you” Joy explained as she gently let go of Ashton in favour of embracing her son.

“That’s okay” Calum shrugged easily before hugging his mother back. He wasn’t sure it was though, but he obviously wasn’t going to let his mother and sister know that.

“Shall we go outside again?” Mali asked, looking at the two boys who nodded in unison.

 

“How’s school?” Calum asked his older sister once they were settled in the grass of the hospital garden. Mali was an art major and had only one year of school left after this one. She was really good at what she did and was one of the best students, according to all of her teachers; Calum couldn’t be prouder of her.

“It’s really good. There’s gonna be an art exhibition in like five weeks and there’s gonna be all kind of important art people so I’m working on my masterpiece” she grinned.

“I’m not graduating yet, but my teacher said it would be good for me to show what I’ve got already, make sure they remember me. He thinks I’m gonna go far.”

A proud smile took over her face as she said it and her brother beamed at her.

“Of course you are! You’re amazing Mali.”

“Thank you.”

 

Ashton left to get the Uno cards to play bullshit at Mali Koa’s request a little while later. Joy made use of the situation to ask her son about his well-being and he told her the truth: he was doing better than a week ago. Maybe not by a lot, but it was progress nevertheless. He didn’t tell his mother and his sister about what was going on between him and Ashton, for he feared it wouldn’t take long before they’d figure it out themselves. He reckoned it would be easier that way.

It took all his willpower not to snuggle up against the boy when he came back though.

 

“Ash, what’s that on your arm?”

The older boy stopped dividing the Uno cards and Calum’s heart pretty much stopped beating entirely. Did his sister just seriously ask about his scars?

“The bird I mean” she rushed out as soon as she had noticed her mistake, blushing like mad as she did so.

“Oh” Ashton started to giggle, clearing the tension right away. Calum wasn’t sure if it was a real laugh or not, though it didn’t sound too fake.

“Calum drew it.”

After group therapy, Ashton had asked the kiwi boy to colour his scars again, since the ink had been washed away in the shower. But once the boy had told he sometimes drew ideas for tattoos on his skin as well, the blonde had insisted Calum would do that instead.

“That’s the bird I drew on your bedroom door when I was ten, right?” the raven haired girl looked at her little brother. He grinned sheepishly.

“That’s the bird you drew on _everything_ …”

“I didn’t know how to draw anything else, I was only eleven or so” the girl shot back playfully. Ashton looked confused.

“Mali wanted to be an artist before she could even talk” Joy explained helpfully.

“She started copying drawings when she was seven and she got so good at it, her father and I told her to make something up herself. That bird…” the woman pointed at the one on Ashton’s bicep, “was the only thing she drew for a really long until she finally deemed it perfect and tried something new.”

“I made fun of Mali for only drawing that for a really long time but now it’s the only thing I know” Calum chuckled, looking only slightly embarrassed. Ashton just giggled in response.

“Well, I like it. I wouldn’t mind a tattoo like this one, one day.”

Calum smiled at the blonde; he was actually planning on getting that tattoo once he’d be old enough.

“Just make sure someone who actually knows how to draw makes you a draft instead of my idiot brother”

The boy gasped, pretending to be offended. He knew she didn’t mean any harm though.

 

### ***

 

Michael didn’t show up for dinner after visiting hour, until a nurse pretty much dragged him into the canteen. His face had never looked as pissed off as it did then and Calum was really intimidated by him; almost afraid even. Nobody said a word, but even though Michael wasn’t eating at all and Luke had that worried look in his eyes again, the blonde managed to finish his plate without too many struggles and without any help from Ashton.

 

After dinner, Michael went up to his room and Luke said he wanted to be alone in the silent common room, so Ashton and Calum went outside.

 

“Rumour has it Luke is gonna leave soon” the eldest said, and Calum nodded; he’d heard it too. It hadn’t gone unnoticed that the blonde was doing really good, reaching his goals almost every single day. Of course he wasn’t completely over it yet, but he was almost good enough to go home and live a normal life again, with the help of a therapist.

“Do you think that’s what messed Michael up?”

“Yeah” Ashton sighed.

“Did you talk to them about…” Calum looked around the garden as if the flowers and bushes would help him figure out how to put it. Ashton already knew what he was talking about though.

“Yes, but I don’t think it changed much.”

“What did you say to them?” the raven haired boy tried carefully.

“I told them I had been stupid, selfish and cold-hearted for telling them not to act on their feelings just because I was afraid of mine.”

Calum gently took Ashton’s larger hand in his own and brought it to his lips, pressing a kiss to each knuckle.

“You’re not stupid.”

Ashton shook his head.

“I am though. I hurt you and Michael and Luke and even myself, just because my family is messed up.”

“But you’ve made it all okay. You’ve apologized to them and we’re alright, right?”

“Yeah” Ashton grinned. There still was a sad edge to it, but that was normal, Calum figured. He kissed the blonde to make sure he knew they really were alright.

 

“Do you want to call your mother again sometime?” Calum asked after a few minutes of complete silence, both boys wrapped up in their own thoughts.

“I’m not sure.”

“Why not?” Calum looked down at Ashton, who had moved so he was lying with his head in the younger boy’s lap. His fingers mindlessly traced the bird drawing on his bicep.

“Because she didn’t sound very happy to hear from me at all last time I did.”

“Maybe she was just surprised and didn’t know how to react? I bet it’s hard on her too, to have her son away in a mental hospital after everything that happened…”

“Maybe” Ashton agreed quietly.

 

It was frustrating, really; seeing Ashton unhappy. If it were up to Calum, he’d make sure the boy would always be smiling, would be out of the hospital and off of medicine within the blink of an eye. He’d be home, with his mother and his siblings, playing to drums and doing things he loves most.

Calum would do anything to make the older boy happy, if only he could.

Sometimes he did succeed, but sometimes he didn’t. And he knew it wasn’t his fault; Ashton was in here for a reason after all. It was just hard.

So he told him, because the two of them shared pretty much everything.

 

“I really wish I could make it all alright for you” the kiwi boy mumbled, his fingers now moving through Ashton’s hair.

“What do you mean?” the boy questioned, sounding only a little confused.

“I mean, I just wish I could take all your worries and sorrows away, make sure nothing could ever harm you or make you sad.”

Ashton opened his big, hazel eyes and blinked up at Calum.

“I wish I could do all that for you too.”

“You make me feel better most of the times though” the raven haired boy smiled.

“You make life in here better too.”

Ashton leaned up so he could kiss Calum briefly.

“I would have never called my mum if it weren’t for you. I mean: it didn’t go as planned but at least I don’t have to wonder ‘ _what if’_ anymore.”

He pressed another kiss to the younger boy’s lips.

“You showed me ways to deal with the urge to hurt myself and you managed to break some of my walls down. Seriously Cal, you’ve done more for me than you even know.”

 

### ***

 

The two boys stayed outside until it got dark and chilly out, and then went up to the common room. Ashton had suggested they’d play a game of chess, for it was one of the few games that could be played by only two players. Calum admitted he didn’t know how to play, but was willing to learn. Admittedly, the raven haired boy was willing to do anything to please Ashton.

 

When the couple entered the almost empty second common room, they spotted their friends.

On the couch was Luke, Michael lying next to him with his head in his lap. Both their faces were red and tear-stained, and Calum was pretty sure the purple haired boy was still crying a little. He – obviously - didn’t comment on it though.

The raven haired boy offered Luke a small smile, which he returned while his fingers kept petting the hair of the boy in his lap.

 

Before he could even think of something to say to the boys, Ashton had already taken his wrist in his hand and pulled him towards a table and forced him to sit down, giggling a little at the face Calum made at that.

“No need to manhandle me…” the youngest mumbled half-heartedly.

“You love it” Ashton shot back playfully, turning around to grab a chess board and pieces, not noticing the way Calum’s cheeks heated up the slightest bit.

The eldest placed the game on the table and sat down on the opposite side, placing all the pieces in the right place.

 

“Okay…” the older boy started his explanation.

“This is a pawn. It can move forward by one or two steps the first time, and then it can only move one step at a time. It can’t go back.”

Calum nodded, already sure he was never going to remember any of it.

“This is a knight, it-“

“I’m pretty sure that’s a horse” Calum interrupted him, feeling giddy already.

“Shut up” Ashton giggled, rolling his eyes fondly at the boy opposite of him.

“It’s a knight, just imagine a little man on the horses back.”

“It’s literally a horse’s head, it doesn’t even have a back” Calum argued, just to be difficult.”

“Whatever, we’ll just call it a horse…” the eldest sighed in defeat.

“So, this is a _horse_ , it always goes two steps forward and then one to the right or left, or two steps to right or left and then one forward. So it moves in L-shapes.”

“I’m never gonna remember this” Calum voiced his concerns.

“I’ll help you, don’t worry” Ashton smiled at him, then continued.

“The horse is also the only piece that can move over other pieces, the rest can’t.”

 

“And this is the bishop, we both got two of them and – “

“How in the hell is that a bishop?”

“Oh my god Cal, do you wanna learn or not?”

Ashton tried to look annoyed and failed.


	17. Seventeen

_Thursday_

 

“I’m leaving…” Luke said during lunch, seemingly out of nowhere.

Calum looked up at the blonde, studied his face. He looked nervous but also really happy. The kiwi-boy was pretty sure he’d feel the exact same way.

“Congratulations Lucas” Ashton smiled at him sincerely, wrapping an arm around him from where he was seated next to him and ruffling his hair with his free hand.

“I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks” the boy sighed, sounding relieved. He glanced at Michael and then looked down at his half-empty plate.

“Yeah, dude, that’s awesome. When are you leaving?”

“Sunday. My parents are picking me up a little before visiting hour.”

Calum was glad to find out they still had three days albeit it being quite selfish. He was mostly glad for Michael though.

Said boy hadn’t said a word yet and Calum wondered if he had shown any sign of hearing it at all. He was cleaning his fork almost aggressively, soundlessly mouthing numbers that didn’t mean anything to anyone but him over and over.

 

The kiwi boy still had no idea what had happened with Luke and Michael the day before. He knew it wasn’t any of his business, but he was worried; about both of them. Michael hadn’t made any progress since Calum had entered the mental hospital, and according to Ashton, he hadn’t made progress in _weeks._ And Luke, though he was doing so good he was allowed to leave within a few days, couldn’t even seem to be truly happy about it, couldn’t not feel guilty for leaving Michael behind.

The worst part was that Calum understood; He couldn’t imagine having to leave Ashton in here. Or worse, watching Ashton leave and never seeing him again.

He didn’t want to think about it though, he just wanted to be happy for Luke and not make it worse by becoming moody too.

 

“You know what that means, right?” Ashton grinned a little.

‘What?” Luke asked, eyes big and curious.

“That today will be our last music therapy with your gorgeous voice…”

The skinny boy chuckled then, blushing but still smiling like mad.

“You’ll be fine without me. It’s not like the three of you don’t know how to sing.”

“Won’t be the same without you though…” Michael muttered almost inaudible.

Three heads turned so quick, it was a miracle they didn’t break their necks or whatever. Michael had _never_ talked during meals before.

Luke’s face softened, and he reached out his hand to grab Michael’s on top of the table.

“I know. And I am sorry. I swear I will call every day and visit you as much as possible.”

Michael hummed, lingered to the feeling of Luke’s thin fingers playing with his own for a little bit and then pulled back to go back to whatever it is that Michael does.

 

When Calum looked at Ashton to gauge his reaction to that promise, he could see he was trying to hide behind a happy mask. The kiwi boy could see something else in his eyes though, although he wasn’t sure exactly what that was.

 

### ***

 

The four boys waited in the group therapy room for Ashley and her girlfriend to show up with the instruments, excitedly thinking of songs they could do for their last jam session together. Michael was awfully quiet, but nobody said anything about it.

 

“We should do a Blink song” Luke insisted.

“No, I wanna play Green Day!” Ashton argued.

“But it’s my last day… Please Ashy!” the blonde pouted, jutting out his bottom lip and making his baby blue eyes as big as possible.

The eldest grumbled and rolled his eyes, then agreed.

“We should do I miss you…” Michael said out of nowhere.

“By Blink…” he explained when everybody looked at him with a questioning look.

“I’m not sure if that’s a very good idea Mike” Ashton said carefully, biting his bottom lip afterwards and looking from Michael to Luke and back to the purple haired boy.

“I like it” the skinny boy said resolute.

Calum looked around their little circle, watching all of their faces. He wasn’t sure if this was going to work out either; he’d rather do an upbeat, sort of happy song. But then again, this was Luke and Michael’s moment. They were old and wise enough to pick a song themselves.

 

“Hiya guys!” came an unfamiliar voice, followed by Ashley’s greeting.

When Calum looked up, he saw a girl with really short hair and arms covered in tattoo’s walking into the room. She had a kind of boyish look, with her hairstyle and the clothes she was wearing, but her make-up made her look sort of really girly at the same time. She was stunning, just like her girlfriend.

“You must be Calum. I’ve heard lots about you” she smiled at the raven haired boy before shaking his hand.

“I am Ruby.”

“Nice to meet you” the boy nodded once.

“What’s up guys?” Ashley asked, looking around the room curiously while hauling the two guitar cases off of her back. Ruby rushed to help her out right away.

“Luke’s leaving” Ashton said, trying to make his voice sound neutral. It was like the boy was happy for Luke but sad for the three boys he’d leave behind; all in all it was just a really weird situation.

“Really? When?”

“This Sunday” the youngest said, trying not to smile too wide at Ashley.

“Congrats” she beamed at him, pulling him into a tight hug. She kissed him on the cheek before letting go.

“I’m really gonna miss you in music therapy though. You’re one of the best vocalists I’ve ever met.”

The skinny boy blushed and Calum noticed the proud and fond grin on the purple haired boy’s face.

 

“So, do you want to know what you want to sing with us today, Luke?” Ruby asked while placing an instrument on every single chair. Ashton and Luke were helping her while Calum and Michael were already messing with their ‘own’ instruments.

“Yeah…  I wanna do ‘I miss you’ by Blink-182.”

Ruby stopped to look at the boy, who was oblivious to this and just continued.

“That’s heavy” she stated. Luke only shrugged.

 “Are you sure?”

“Yup” the blonde responded, popping the p.

 

As soon as every chair had an instrument on it, Ashton and Luke joined the other two, Ashton on top of the cajon and Luke with the acoustic guitar. They played American Idiot while more and more patients walked into the room and took a seat.

“Do people know you’re leaving yet?” Ashley asked in a whisper.

“No” Luke replied.

“Do you want to tell them, or…?”

“Yeah…”

 “Okay, great. I’ll just wait until everyone is here and then I’ll let you do the announcement.”

 

The four boys kept playing until every single chair was occupied and Calum looked at Ashton, who’s scarred but large biceps flexed beautifully as he played the drum he was seated on. His mouth was hanging agape a little in concentration and a few curls were sticking to his forehead because it was warm inside. He looked gorgeous and Calum couldn’t quite look away.

The kiwi boy messed up the chords at the very end of the song and the dirty blonde looked up at him, grinning when he noticed what had caused him to slip up. Calum blushed at being caught and stared at his bass instead, fighting a small smile when he felt Ashton’s eyes still on him.

 

“Okay, so before we start, Luke would like to say something” Ruby said to gain everybody’s attention. All curious eyes landed on the blonde and he started to blush as if on cue.

“Uhm…” he mumbled.

“So, I – I’m sorta going home. This Sunday…” he said, not looking anybody in the eyes.

Everybody in the room cheered for him and told them congrats from where they were seated and Ashley shushed them after a little while.

“And because of that Luke gets to pick a song to sing today, for it will be his very last musical therapy in here.”

“Do you know what song you want to play with the group Luke?”

The skinny blonde looked at Michael as he said: “I want to play _I miss you_ by Blink-182.”

Calum watched as a smile took over the purple haired boy’s face and then looked at Ashton to get the song going. He knew it by heart, like many other Blink songs and the other three seemed to do so too.

 

Once they had reached the first verse, everybody looked at Luke to sing, but the blonde locked eyes with Michael, who seemed to understand what the anorexia patient wanted.

He sang the first verse.

 

_Hello there,_

_The angel from my nightmare,_

_The shadow in the background of the morgue._

_The unsuspecting victim, of darkness in the valley,_

_We can live like Dennis and Sally if we want._

_Where you can always find me,_

_And we’ll have Halloween on Christmas,_

_And in the night we’ll wish this never ends._

_We’ll wish this never ends._

The words hit Calum hard, and once again he really didn’t think this was the right song for them to do. He didn’t know what was going on between Michael and Luke, but if this were him and Ashton, he’d already be crying his eyes out.

Okay, maybe that was a slight exaggeration, but just… This song would definitely make him feel even worse about Ashton leaving.

 

_I miss you, I miss you._

The two boys locked eyes again, a sad smile playing on Michael’s lips as he nodded at the blonde this time, who sang the second verse.

 

_Where are you?_

_And I’m so sorry;_

_I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight._

_I need somebody and always._

_This sick, strange darkness,_

_Comes creeping on so haunting every time._

The raven haired boy dared to glance at the drummer then, who was obviously intentionally staring at his own hands on the cajon, or at the floor. Either way, he refused to look at Calum or their two friends.

 

_And as I stared I counted,_

_The webs from all the spiders,_

_Catching things and eating their insides._

_Like indecision to call you,_

_And hear your voice of treason._

_Will you come home and stop this pain tonight?_

_Stop this pain tonight._

Michael had joined in for the second part of the second verse, and it was so beautiful yet painful at the same time, it pretty much broke Calum’s heart.

 

The two boys continued to sing together, and neither Calum and Ashton, nor anybody else in the room dared to sing along. Everybody seemed to notice what was going on, and nobody wanted to interrupt that.

 

_Don’t waste your time on me,_

_You’re already the voice inside my head._

_I miss you, I miss you._

### ***

 

Michael stormed out of the room as soon as the time was up and Luke looked a little loss, obviously having no idea whether to follow him or to give him some privacy.

Ashton, who was still chatting with Ashley and Ruby, didn’t seem to notice this, and so he wasn’t there for advice. But maybe it was for the better the dirty blonde couldn’t give advice when it came to love.

 

Calum stepped forward so he was shoulder to shoulder with Luke, both looking into the direction Michael had disappeared in.

“You okay?” he asked Luke, for a lack of better way to address the situation.

“No” the younger sighed loudly. He sounded tired.

“I don’t know what to do Cal…”

“Well, I don’t really know what’s going on between the two of you – obviously - but… I’d just, you know, tell him whatever it is you feel towards him? Honesty, no matter how scary, is always the best when it comes to this kind of stuff and it is important to keep communicating. Tell him how you feel, try to get him to tell how he feels and sort it out.”

Calum knew he was a hypocrite for saying all this to Luke, but he did believe it was the best he could do.

“You make it sound so easy.”

“I know. And I know it isn’t that easy at all but I do believe it is the only way. It’ll be easier for the both of you when you both know where you’re standing and what exactly is going on; trust me.”

“So, should I talk to him now?” Luke asked, looking uncertain but trying really hard to be brave.

“The sooner the better” Calum nodded, patting the blonde on the back encouragingly.

“Right” Luke said, biting his bottom lip and standing up straighter, broader.

“Wish me luck.”

“You’ve got this Lucas.”


	18. Eighteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a really long chapter for you cuties!
> 
> I just wanna thank you for all support!! It's amazing. Thank you!

_Saturday_

 

It was like time was going much quicker now that Luke was about to leave. Calum obviously was happy for the boy but he just didn’t want it to be Sunday yet. The four young patients spent as much time together as possible before it was too late.

 

Luke and Michael had talked it out once again but there was still a slight tension between them. The two of them were sort of okay but then they were not and maybe it was better for Luke to go and leave Michael behind, to give them both some much needed space and time alone.

 

Calum and Ashton, on the other hand, were doing just fine. They still hadn’t talked about what was going to happen in the future and the raven haired boy was pretty sure they never would. He tried not to think about it though.

With the help of Ashton, Michael and Luke and all professionals in the hospital, Calum managed to reach his goals more often than not and he could tell he was doing better. Not good yet, but better.

 

They were currently in creational therapy, painting on canvas. Calum had no idea what to make and so he was staring around their table, watching at his three friends as they were working on their paintings.

Michael was painting the Cheshire Cat from the movie Alice in Wonderland; they had watched it the day before in recreational therapy. He hadn’t painted much yet though, for he kept cleaning his brushes and workplace and hands over and over again.

Luke, who had obviously stolen the idea from Michael, was attempting to recreate the rabbit with the pocket watch.

Ashton, on the other hand, had painted a boy sitting in the corner of a room with his head buried in his hands, his knees pulled up high as if he were protecting himself from any danger. It was in black and white, and it looked kinda sad; Calum knew the boy liked to express himself through drawings and paintings, despite not being extremely good at it.

He was currently adding something next to the boy but the raven haired boy couldn’t tell what it was yet.

 

“I don’t know what to make” he whined then, wanting to paint something too but not knowing where to start.

Luke and Ashton both looked up, the youngest biting his bottom lip in thought.

“You could paint a character from the movie too?” he suggested.

“Or you could draw something that reminds you of home or whatever…”

“Maybe you could draw something your sister used to make? Like the bird you drew on my arm?” Ashton said then and Calum smiled at him, liking his idea the most. He thought of all the beautiful things Mali Koa had created the last few years and decided to go with the tree in four seasons. It had been an assignment from school and though it had been a bit of a cliché painting, it had turned out pretty awesome. Calum knew he wasn’t as good as his sister by far, but he could at least give it a try.

 

The boy started by dividing the canvas in four with a pencil. He then started with the background, the top left a turquoise kind of blue, the top right bright blue, the bottom left grey and the last a light shade of yellow.

He then drew a large tree on top of that with a dark brown colour, trying to make it look as realistic as possible.

To the grey, winter section he added flakes of snow, snow on the ground and on the tree branches and no leaves.

The spring section gained little purple and pink leaves and the summer section a son, green leaves and two birds in love.

The autumn section, which was probably his favourite season, gained red, orange, brown and yellow leaves which were falling to the ground and covering the floor completely.

All in all, it looked pretty good, Calum thought and he was pretty pleased with his work once time was up and they had to clean the brushes.

 

When he glanced over the others, he noticed both Luke’s and Michael’s paintings weren’t finished, though the blonde had been pretty close.

Instead, there was paint on their cheeks and black aprons and even some in their hair. It looked pretty messy and Calum knew the social worker wasn’t going to be happy about it.

Ashton, on the other hand, had finished his painting a little while ago and was now adding tiny details, making it look absolutely perfect.

Next to the assumedly crying black and white boy, Ashton had painted a boy in colour, draping an arm over the first boy and comforting him. It was like the second boy’s colour was spreading through the black and white boy, colouring his shoulders, chest and a part of his face as well. As if he was brightening him up.

The boy in colour had bronze skin and black hair and Calum liked to think that was meant to be him.

 

“It’s gorgeous Ash” the youngest said as he stood behind Ashton, wrapping his arms around his waist and resting his chin on his shoulder.

“Thank you.”

Calum pressed a kiss to the skin between the older boy’s shoulder and neck.

“Is that us?” he whispered, almost too scared to ask it.

“Yeah, actually. That’s you.”

Ashton’s cheeks heated up as he said it and pointed at the second boy in his painting; Calum couldn’t really see it but he did feel it.

“It’s beautiful” he repeated fondly, pressing a kiss to the other patient’s cheek then.

 “You don’t think it’s weird?”

“No, of course not. Why would I think that?”

Ashton shrugged, accidentally jostling Calum’s head a little bit in the progress.

“I don’t know, maybe you think it would be too much or whatever.”

“I love it” the youngest promised him.

 

The two of them looked at the painting in silence for a little while, taking it in completely. It warmed the kiwi boy’s heart to know Ashton felt that way about him.

“Rooney said I’ve made more progress in the last week than I’ve done in the weeks before combined” the blonde muttered than and Calum moved away from Ashton so he could turn his body around in his arms.

“That’s amazing Ashton” he mused.

“I think it’s because of you. You helped me break down my walls a bit” Ashton admitted shyly.

Because he didn’t really know what to say to that, the raven haired boy kissed Ashton on the lips, hoping he’d understand how happy that made him without having to say it out loud.

 

### ***

 

“So, what do you guys wanna do?” Calum asked as Ashton, Michael, Luke and him made their way towards the second common room.

“Did nobody tell you about the tradition yet?” Michael asked the raven haired boy, who furrowed his brows in confusion.

“No? What tradition?”

“It’s my last night” Luke said, which didn’t really explain anything at all.

“There’s always some party with all patients and staff to say goodbye to the person who leaves. It’s not as great as it sounds because obviously nobody will buy us beer, but whatever” Michael said, the little smirk around his lips showing Calum he didn’t really mean it. They were still too young for booze anyways.

“There’s music and drinks and pizza and all kinds of stuff. It’s usually a lot of fun” Ashton added, slinging an arm around Calum’s shoulders and leading him towards the first and biggest common room.

 

When they walked in, pretty much everybody was already there. There were pop songs playing from a stereo, most of them a little older than of the ones that were currently on the radio. There was one table with red solo cups and all kinds of drinks, looking like a booze table from the high school movies from tv, except there was no booze. Two nurses were handing out slices of pizza and it seemed as if everybody was having a pretty great time. No anorexia patients were forced to eat for they already had dinner and nobody told introverts to go and talk to someone. It was nice.

As soon as Luke was spotted, everybody looked at the four teenage boys walking into the room and started cheering and clapping. A large bipolar boy patted him on the back as if to congratulate him and the blonde blushed a little, looking at his feet with a shy smile on his face.

 

A nurse came over to talk to the youngest and Michael made sure to pretty much cling to him, staying close and watching his every move. In the meantime, Ashton pulled Calum to sit down on one of the few spots left on the couches and took two slices of pizza for them.

“Do you want something to drink?” the eldest asked, and Calum nodded, his mouth already full with the huge bite he had taken from his pizza. Ashton giggled a little and then got up to get them whatever. The raven haired boy watched him go.

“You two are really cute together” a voice suddenly said, and Calum looked around to see where it had come from. He noticed the girl who was seated on the couch next to his and Ashton’s, watching him with a smile on her face. Calum was pretty sure her name was Sophie.

“Thank you” he beamed once he had swallowed his food.

“Like, there are a lot of couples in here but what you’ve got going on seems legit, like it could last for quite a while” she winked and the kiwi boy didn’t know whether to smile or frown.

“Thanks” he mumbled than, looking down at the pizza in his hand and taking a bite. He hated that a few simple words could turn his mood around so easily, and he was pissed at the girl for doing it to him during Luke’s party.

 

 Ashton came back with a giddy smile on his face and handed Calum one of the two cups. It was coke and though Calum wasn’t a huge fan, he decided not to say anything about it.

“Thanks” he mumbled for the second time in a very short time and took a sip.

“What’s up?” Ashton frowned, noticing something was off right away.

Calum shrugged.

“It’s nothing.”

The eldest placed a comforting hand on Calum’s thigh and moved a little closer to him.

“You can tell me” he said softly, gently.

The kiwi boy glanced at Sophie and noticed she was already caught up in a conversation with two other patients and a nurse. When he looked back at Ashton, he smiled a questioning, yet encouraging smile at him.

“I was just thinking about...” he licked his lips nervously. Maybe he really shouldn’t bring this up now. Or, _ever_.

“I was thinking about us, about what’s gonna happen when one of us leaves and I know I shouldn’t but Sophie said something about it and now I’m being stupid. I’m sorry.”

He didn’t dare to look Ashton in the eyes as he said it, or afterwards, afraid he’d ruined everything between them again.

Then he felt a finger carefully lifting up his chin so he had no choice but to look the blonde in the eyes. The eldest didn’t say anything, just smiled at him and leaned in to peck his lips softly. Calum’s brain didn’t understand, but he forced it not to think about it and just _enjoy._ He could always worry later.

 

“Ashton!”

It was Michael’s distressed voice who made them pull apart and both boys looked up at the purple haired boy, his green eyes wide and slightly panicked.

“What’s up?” the blonde asked patiently. They both knew Michael well enough to know he was probably stressing out over something rather unimportant.

“Well, you know how somebody always says a few things to the person who leaves and doctor Miller asked if I wanted to do that but I am very bad with words and I don’t want to fuck this up for Lukey so could you please say something? Because if you don’t a staff will and Luke doesn’t deserve a boring, impersonal speech…” The boy rushed it out without a break to take a breath and Calum just felt bad for him. He glanced at Ashton, who smiled and nodded.

“Sure, of course Mikey.”

 

Relieved, Michael all but pulled Ashton off of the couch and to the middle of the room. He cleared his throat and once he had everybody’s attention, he quickly sat down so everybody was now looking at the blonde. He chuckled at his friend’s antics and then scratched the back of his head slightly awkwardly.

“Okay, so…” he started, looking around the room and then settling his eyes on the blonde who the party was all about.

“Luke…” he smiled at the boy.

“Remember your third day here?”

Everybody turned to the blonde to see him nodding, his cheeks pink; still or again, Calum wasn’t sure.

“You were a mess. No offense. You were homesick and miserable and you wanted to be anywhere but here; and I don’t blame you for that. Michael and I tried to comfort you and to make you feel a little bit better, but no matter what we did or say, you just kept crying. I remember I told Michael you were probably gonna be in here for months.”

Ashton and Michael shared a look Calum didn’t quite understand.

“Yet you proved you are a real trooper Luke. You ate and you set tiny goals you managed to reach almost every single day. Everybody in here knows it hasn’t been easy on you, but you set your mind on getting better and that is exactly what you did.”

The older boy took a breath, looking around as if he was searching for words.

“Yesterday you told me you were scared of going back home, of having to face this on your own but you won’t be on your own Luke. Not at all. You’ve got your family and therapists and you’ve got us. You can _always_ call, we’ll be here.”

Some patients chuckled softly and Luke rolled his eyes at the older boy.

“You also asked why all of this happens to people, why you and I and everybody else in here have to go through what we are going through. I couldn’t answer you then, but I couldn’t really stop thinking about it since. Doctor Rooney and I came to a conclusion…”

Ashton looked at the doctor who was watching it all happen from a distance, and nodded at the patient to go ahead and share what he had apparently told him earlier.

“Our lives are like arable lands. Most of the time we are sowing, growing and harvesting, but sometimes, our lands are fallow; we don’t sow, we don’t grow and we can’t harvest. It _seems_ as if our lands are useless during that time. But do you know why farmers leave their lands fallow every now and then?”

Ashton looked around the room, building up the tension. Calum noticed every single one of the patients was hanging on his every word.

“A field left unplanted regains its fertility. Ground is fallowed as part of a larger plan, it is not seeded _for a reason_. And the same goes for our lives. Of course this time of our live is hard, but it is hard _for a reason_. We might not see it now, but we will only learn from this and grow from here.”

Ashton resettled his attention on Luke, who was wearing a watery smile.

“Luke, I promise you that one day, you will look back on these few weeks and you will smile, knowing it has turned you into the man you will be. All of this will leave you wiser and stronger; you can only grow from here. Your land has been fallow and now you can go home and start seeding and growing and harvesting again.”

 

Ashton seemed to decide to leave it at that and walked up to the blonde to pull him into a bone crushing hug. Calum watched as Luke buried his face in the crook of the older boy’s neck, mumbling a thank you. When he pulled back he chuckled and wiped at his eyes and Ashton ruffled his hair.

“You’ll be okay kid” he said before Calum and Michael joined them and wrapped them into a group hug. Before they knew it, all other patients had joined them, Ashton and Luke in the centre of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed that :)


	19. Nineteen

_Saturday_

 

“That was beautiful Ashton” Calum said when they had reached his bedroom door. The nurses had allowed all patients to stay up about half an hour later than normally, but now it was really time to go to sleep.

“Thank you. Most of it were doctor Rooney’s words though” the eldest chuckled. Calum shrugged.

“That didn’t make it any less beautiful.”

Ashton grinned at him as he tucked one of Calum’s curls behind his ear, his fingers moving across his skin like ghosts. The kiwi boy leaned into the touch as if on cue, causing Ashton’s hand to cup his cheek. The older boy leaned in and kissed it, then the corner of his mouth. Calum leaned in for a proper kiss but the blonde didn’t give it to him.

“We need to talk about this. About us” Ashton whispered, his warm breath hitting Calum’s lips and nose. He shuddered, but he wasn’t sure if it was because of the feeling or because of the words Ashton had said.

He nodded, though a bit reluctant. He had dreaded this moment.

“Not now though. We should go to bed before someone sees us and takes our points away. I really want to beat Mali’s ass with bullshit tomorrow.”

The kiwi boy bit his lip; he knew he wasn’t going to get any sleep now that he knew they were going to have a talk about their future the next day.

“I can’t sleep” he said.

“You haven’t even tried yet” Ashton chuckled, but he seemed to understand.

“I’m sorry baby, but we can’t talk now.”

Calum eyes went wide at the nick name, searching the other boy’s hazel ones. He just smiled and leaned in to kiss him goodnight, lingering a little longer than probably intended.

“Hey! Time for bed. Come on!” a male nurse yelled a little too loud, startling the two boys. Calum quickly stepped away from Ashton and smiled sheepishly at him.

“Goodnight.”

“Night Cal.”

 

### ***

_Sunday_

 

Calum had been right.

He had spent the entire night tossing and turning and worrying about what Ashton was going to say to him.

The blonde had smiled when he had brought it up and he had comforted Calum when he was stressed out about it earlier, so the kiwi boy assumed, or rather hoped, it was going to be all right. Yet he wasn’t sure; Ashton could be weird at times.

 

Of course there wasn’t a change to talk during breakfast, partly because Michael and Luke were there, and partly because everything was about Luke’s departure. It was nice though, to be distracted, and so Calum tried to push his worries and tiredness to the back of his mind and focus on the skinny blonde.

“The first thing I am going to do is play FiFa for like five hours straight and then I want to go somewhere with my parents and brothers. Like a zoo or a theme park or whatever.”

“I’d probably listen to music first. Like, music I actually like, not the kind of stuff they play in here” Ashton mused with a small smile on his face.

“What about you Calum?”

The two blondes turned to him and he bit his bottom lip, thinking about it.

“I guess I’d go on a trip with my sister, hike somewhere or whatever…”

Luke nodded, seeming to consider that too.

“It must be so good to go somewhere that isn’t the hospital garden” he chuckled happily. Michael just grumbled.

 

After breakfast it was time for individual therapy and after that, they had about two hours until they had to be in the canteen for lunch. So Calum waited outside doctor Rooney’s office after therapy until Ashton was done as well, watching the clock above the door as if time would go by faster that way. It didn’t.

The kiwi boy sat up from where he was slouching on a rather large and comfy chair when the handle of the door was finally pushed down and Ashton walked through the door.

“Hey, have you been waiting here the entire time I was in there?” the dirty blonde questioned and Calum fought to urge to actually growl at him.

“You can’t tell me you want to _talk to me_ and then make me wait for like twelve hours” he argued, grabbing Ashton’s wrist and pulling him out of the hospital and towards the familiar oak.

“I am sorry” the older boy chuckled lightly and Calum glared at him while pushing him down to sit.

“It’s not funny Ash, I haven’t slept _at all_.”

The boy’s face turned apologetic then.

“I’m sorry Cal. I didn’t think it would be such a big deal to you.”

The kiwi boy sighed, rolled his eyes. Maybe what Ashton was going to tell him would hurt less if he pretended he was angry instead of sad, if he pretended it didn’t matter to him that Ashton didn’t care for him the way he did for Ashton.

He had accepted this was just a temporary thing a little while ago; Ashton really didn’t need to rub it in.

 

“So, what I wanted to tell you: remember I told you I’ve been doing a lot better because of you?”

Calum nodded carefully, trying not to get his own hopes up.

“Well, I’ve been thinking about it; especially after you got upset after Sophie said something about us last night. And I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I was wrong... Earlier.”

“Wrong about what?”

“Everything. About how we shouldn’t depend on other people to make us happy and about how us being together would be bad for us. Like I said, you helped me break down my walls and I wanted you to know I’ve changed my mind.”

Calum stared at the boy in front of him, still not completely understanding.

“Changed your mind how?”

“I think we should be like… Legit. Like, even after you leave.”

“Or you” Calum said quickly, and Ashton flashed him a sad smile at that.

He kissed the raven haired boy instead of arguing with him.

“You make me happy, and I like to think I make you feel better too-“

“You do” the youngest interrupted him, kissing him once again. Longer this time.

“And I don’t want either one of us to worry about what might happen in the future. I want both of us to trust it will be alright, no matter what happens. I am still convinced you shouldn’t visit me in here but we could call? And, if you want to, you could wait for me and we could go on a date once I get out?”

Calum wanted to roll his eyes at how convinced Ashton was about Calum leaving before him but decided not to say anything about it. He nodded.

“Of course I’ll wait for you.”

He wanted to tell the older boy he’d wait forever because he loved him, but was afraid it would be too soon for that, so he didn’t.

The blonde grinned, cupped Calum’s cheek and kissed him. The kiwi boy could feel him opening his mouth and licking at his bottom lip and so he opened up for him, letting him lick into his mouth, taste him properly.

The boy moved his hand to the back of Ashton’s neck, playing with the soft little curls there while moving his tongue against the older boy’s.

 

Suddenly, the eldest pulled away, but he didn’t go far. He rested his forehead against Calum’s and stared into his dark brown eyes.

“So, is it okay if I call you my boyfriend then?” he asked nervously, as if he was scared Calum was going to say no.

“Yeah!” the kiwi boy said. The word had barely properly left his mouth when he pressed his lips against Ashton’s again.

 

### ***

 

The young patient was so happy with Ashton and him finally being _legit_ , with them being on the same page and what not, it was hard to keep his hands off of him. Wherever the two of them went, they held each other’s hand or kept their arms around each other to keep the other close and they probably kissed more often than entirely necessary.

Michael grumbled something about PDA during lunch, when Ashton actually fed Calum but the two figured he was just grumpy because his last hour with Luke had just started.

 

After lunch, the four boys went to Luke and Ashton’s room to gather his stuff. His parents would bring suitcases so they put everything on his bed so all his parents had to do was put it in the cases.

Michael was the only one who wasn’t really helping; partly because he was too sad to and partly because it would take him ages to fold one shirt anyways. He was seated on top of Ashton’s bed, watching Luke and the other two collect all of his shirts and jeans and what not.

 

They were almost done when a knock on the door was heard and a taller, broader and older version of Luke walked into the room.

“Lukey!” he cheered, letting the younger boy throw himself in his arms and lifting him up a little.

Calum smiled at the encounter, recognizing his sister and himself in the two.

Then a second brother walked in, who was slightly shorter but broader than the first; he was probably older too. He greeted the youngest just as enthusiastic, pressing a kiss against the boy’s cheek, causing him to giggle.

Luke’s parents were next and they both pulled their youngest into a tight embrace. Calum could hear his father tell him how damn proud he was of him and he almost felt like an intruder by staying in the room. 

 

Luke’s parents put all of the blonde’s belongings in suitcases and his two brothers brought them downstairs. Luke’s parents were behind them and the four teenagers followed them. They stopped in the middle of the hallway and the entire Hemmings family watched as Ashton pulled all three of them in a bone-crushing hug.

“We’re going to miss you Lucas” he said, then let go so they could all hug him properly. Ashton went first. He told the younger boy something Calum couldn’t hear from where he was waiting for his turn.

Calum was second to say goodbye to the blonde, hugging him and telling him to take care of himself out there.

“You can do it, alright? I know you can.”

 

As the raven haired boy let go of the anorexic boy, Luke and Michael locked eyes. The purple haired boy looked away shyly but took a step towards Luke anyways. He seemed uncertain of himself, then suddenly surged forward and pulled the blonde against his body, burying his face in the crook of the boy’s neck.

Luke rubbed his back soothingly, whispering things only meant for Michael’s ears.

The older boy was crying, or very close to, Calum could tell by the way his shoulders shuddered with every breath he took.

Michael clung to Luke for quite a while before finally letting go. As soon as Michael wasn’t wrapped around the blonde, Ashton put an arm around him to comfort him. The anorexic boy smiled despite the tears in his eyes and Calum knew he was going to be okay.

 

“Okay, time to go” Luke’s father said and with one last goodbye and group hug, the young blonde followed his family out of the main entrance of the hospital without looking back.

The three boys he left behind stayed in the hall for a while, staring at the door as if that would make Luke come back, until a nurse ushered them back upstairs. 


	20. Twenty

_Sunday_

 

“Three fours…” Calum said as he placed three Uno cards on top of the pile. Ashton eyed him suspiciously and the raven haired boy tried his hardest to keep a straight face.

“Bullshit!” the dirty blonde al but yelled, reaching out to turn the cards he had added around, revealing two fours and a five. The raven haired boy sighed loudly and Mali-Koa laughed as Ashton handed him the entire pile of cards.

“Sorry baby” he giggled, pressing a kiss to Calum’s cheek. He didn’t sound apologetic at all.

The raven haired boy froze then, and so did Ashton, staring at the younger boy with wide, slightly panicked eyes.

 

“Calum?” Joy asked carefully, but the boy refused to look up from the pile of cards in his hands, his cheeks bright red. He really wasn’t ready to tell his parents he was sort of into boys as well. He was pretty sure he had no choice though.

“Cal, look at me” his mother said, sounding patient and calm.

The boy inhaled a deep breath and looked his mother in the eyes. She smiled at him.

“Is there something you’d like to tell me?”

The kiwi boy bit his bottom lip and looked at Ashton for a second, as if that would help him figure it all out.

“Uh” he mumbled, looking back at his hands again.

“Ashton and I are sort of together…” he stuttered quietly, looking shyly up at his parents. The boy watched as Joy looked at her husband, smiling a little.

“I told you” she said, before turning her attention on the two boys again.

“You could’ve told us. You know we wouldn’t mind you’re dating a _boy._ ”

“Yeah, especially me. I thought we told each other everything Callie…” his sister pouted at him.

“I-“ Calum started, closing his mouth right away because he had no idea what to say to that. Ashton came to his rescue.

“It was pretty complicated until yesterday, miss Hood…” he explained.

“Joy” she corrected him quickly.

“And I understand. It’s alright; as long as you two are careful.”

“Yes, you’ve got a lot on your mind already. I’m not sure if it’d be good to have another thing to worry about” David added.

“Ashton makes me happy dad” the kiwi boy softly said while looking at said blonde. He offered him a small smile. Calum could tell he was sorry for outing him, yet happy they didn’t have to hide when the boy’s family was around anymore.

“Just... be careful” Joy said one last time before ruffling her son’s hair affectionately and then turning back to the game.

“Ash, your turn…”

 

### ***

 

“Bye Cal-pal. I’ll see you Wednesday” his sister promised as she hugged the raven haired boy one last time before leaving.

“Bye Ash. Be good to him” she winked before hugging the blonde too. Ashton mumbled an ‘ _I will’_ and then the family Hood minus Calum left again.

The couple watched them go and then the eldest turned to face Calum.

“Cal, I am _so_ sorry, I really didn’t mean for that to happen and-“

The youngest interrupted him by pressing his lips against Ashton’s, chuckling as they parted again.

“It’s okay. I mean, I probably would’ve wanted to tell them another way, but it happened” Calum shrugged easily.

“And they took it really well so... It’s okay, really” he repeated.

“Okay” Ashton smiled, pecking his lips one last time before taking Calum’s hand in his and walking up the stairs, to the canteen where dinner would be served any minute.

 

Though Luke hadn’t really talked much during dinner – except for the last five days or so – it still felt terribly quiet during the meal. Ashton and Calum chatted a bit but with being together for like eighteen hours a day, multiple days in a row, the two didn’t have much left to talk about.

Michael was way too busy cleaning his utensils and hands and being too grumpy to talk and so they ate in mostly silence.

It wasn’t very uncomfortable though, and Calum was glad of that.

 

After dinner, when Michael, Ashton and Calum were playing some card game Calum didn’t really understand the rules of, a nurse came walking towards them.

“Michael, someone called for you.”

“Who?”

She smiled, but didn’t answer his question.

“Why don’t you go find out?”

 

The purple haired boy got up and walked over to the phone. Calum and Ashton could see his expression lighting up, his smile taking over his entire face. They were too far away to hear Michael’s half of the conversation though, so they impatiently waited for the boy to come back and spill.

He kept talking on the phone awfully long though; so long a nurse eventually came to tell him there were like five other people complaining about wanting to use it as well. He didn’t seem to mind that much, simply said goodbye to whoever had called him and practically skipped back to his spot on the couch next to Ashton.

“What was that about?” the eldest asked curiously.

“Nothing…” Michael said, his smile still on his face.

“Really? So who was it then?” Ashton asked, too curious to let it go.

“No one.”

“Come on Mikey!” the eldest pretty much whined.

“Tell me?”

“No” the boy chuckled, causing Ashton to pout.

Michael deliberately didn’t look at the eldest, afraid he wouldn’t be able to resist his huge puppy eyes. He caved anyways.

“It was Luke.”

“Really?” Calum asked.

“Already?”

“Yeah” Michael beamed.

“He said he had forgotten to ask if it was alright if he visited me next Sunday, so…”

“What did you say?” Ashton asked carefully. Calum could only imagine what was going through his head right now.

“Well, yes of course” the purple haired boy huffed, obviously.

“So he’s really coming?”

“Well, he said he is. Why?”

“I just can’t imagine he’d really come back here” Ashton mumbled. Before either Michael or Calum could respond, the blonde was standing up and walking out of the room. Michael looked at the kiwi boy with a confused frown on his face and Calum sighed and shook his head, quickly getting up and going after the blonde.

 

He found him soon enough, sitting on top of his own bed with his head in his hands.

Calum carefully sat down next to him and wrapped his arm around the boy, pulling him against his chest and kissing him on top of his head. He didn’t ask what was wrong because, one, he already knew and two, Ashton would start talking once he was ready. He simply knew he would.

The younger rubbed circles into the boy’s back and kept kissing his hair and temple and cheek until he finally spoke up.

“You must think I am so stupid…” he hiccupped.

“I don’t” Calum said truthfully.

“I think you’re disappointed and sad” he added when Ashton didn’t reply.

The blonde wriggled around in his arms a little so they were facing each other, their knees bumping into each other.

“Maybe I am.”

Calum cupped Ashton’s cheek with his hand, his thumb gently moving over his cheek, caressing him.

“I was so convinced my mum didn’t visit me here because it was just not possible; because nobody ever did once they’d been mentally ill themselves.”

Calum nodded. He had already figured that much.

“And now Luke is coming back within _a week_ …”

The raven haired boy kissed his cheek once again, not sure of what to say to him.

“My mum hasn’t visited me here in _weeks_ , ever since I got here. I don’t think she ever will.”

“Maybe you could start by calling her again? Maybe ask her to come by; at least you’ll know _why_ she didn’t visit you yet…”

The younger of the two wasn’t sure if that was the best advice, but he had to say _something_ , right?

“I don’t know Cal, I don’t want her to outright reject me.”

 

Then an idea popped up.

“Did you ever talk about her with doctor Rooney?”

“Only once, when I just got here” the blonde admitted.

“I’d do that if I were you. He’ll know what to do or at least what to say to you to make you feel better; I don’t, really.”

Ashton seemed to consider that for a moment, looking at Calum with unsure, hazel eyes.

“Maybe I will” he decided after a little while, smiling up at his boyfriend a little.

 

“Okay. Cuddle?” the youngest asked, already outstretching his arms. He knew that if his words couldn’t make Ashton feel any better, then maybe cuddling could.

Ashton didn’t answer him, instead just crawled into the smaller boy’s arms and pushing him over so he was on his back. He gently laid down half on top of him, half on the space on the bed next to Calum, his head tucked underneath the tanned boy’s chin and his ear on top of the boy’s heart.

The kiwi boy kept his arms wrapped tightly around Ashton, kissing the top of his head.

 

“Thank you Calum. I love you.”

The boy’s hooded eyes shot wide open, staring up at the ceiling above him. Had he really heard what he thought he had heard?

Because he didn’t want to upset Ashton by waiting too long to respond, he decided there was only one thing he could do: be honest and say it back.

“I love you too.”

Ashton shifted a little, moving his head so his chin was resting on top of Calum’s sternum, his eyes gazing into the raven haired boy’s brown ones.

It hurt a little, the boy’s chin digging into his chest, but he obviously wasn’t going to say anything about that.

“Do you really mean it?” he asked, suddenly sounding so young and so, so small.

“Yes, Ashton. I do.”

He kissed the boy’s forehead, hoping it would make him believe him.

“I’ve been thinking about telling you that for a while but I figured it was too soon. I was scared you wouldn’t feel the same, but if you do, then I don’t see a point in waiting.”

The eldest shifted again, moving up so he could press his lips against Calum’s. It wasn’t their first kiss by far, and it wasn’t the most passionate one either but it still felt way more intense than any kiss before.

“I love you” Calum murmured against Ashton’s lips, wanting to repeat it over and over. The boy needed to know he meant it.

“I love you too” the boy replied, giggling as he did, pretty much radiating happiness despite everything. It probably wouldn’t last very long, but it was awesome while it lasted, right?

 

### ***

_Monday_

 

“So, Calum… How are you doing today?” doctor Rooney asked as per usual at the beginning of his individual therapy session on Monday. He had reached his goal again the day before and he was doing better by the day.

“Good” he smiled, before realizing what he had said, panicking a little bit because he had never really blurted it out like that in, like, _months._

“I mean, given the circumstances and such… I’m doing pretty good” he corrected himself.

“I’m really glad to hear that. I already figured you had made a lot of progress.”

The young patient nodded.

“I realize I’m still not _okay_ , and if I’d go back home, I’d probably have a lot to deal with again and such, but I feel like I’d manage this time, y’know?”

“So, you don’t want to kill yourself anymore?” the doctor asked carefully.

“I don’t think so. Not right now at least…”

The boy also knew it was something that didn’t disappear, only to _never_ come back, but it was still progress and he was pretty proud of it.

“Do you think you’d be ready to go home?”

And Calum could’ve known this was going to happen sometime soon, but not _this soon_. And so he gaped at the man in front of him.

“Because I think you are” he said when the raven haired boy didn’t reply.

“I don’t know…” he muttered. Except he did. He just didn’t want to admit it yet.

He knew he’d be able to make it out there, with the help of the weekly therapy sessions, but it was kinda scary, to think he’d be almost completely on his own, without professionals looking out for him 24/7.

“You won’t be alone Calum, if that’s what you’re worried about. We’ll talk to your parents, let them know how to handle the situation and you’ll have therapy twice or three times a week. And you can call us whenever you want” the doctor said, as if he could read minds. The boy figured that, to some extent, he could.

“I believe you can do it.”

 

It wasn’t his fear and nervousness that was holding him back to be enthusiastic about leaving though. It was _someone._


	21. Twenty-one

_Tuesday_

 

If time had gone by quickly when Luke was leaving, it was even worse now it was Calum himself. And now that his departure was so close, he felt a giant mix of emotions and it was hard to deal with.

Calum was excited, nervous, scared, sad, proud of himself and on top of it all, felt extremely guilty.

 

He was excited to go home, to live with his parents and sister again, to play footie and to be able to go wherever he wanted to go, whenever he wanted to. He was excited to use his mobile phone again, to play video games, to watch movies of his own choice and to listen to music whenever he felt like it.

This also made him nervous and scared, because what if it all went downhill from there? What if being free again, being on his own and having to go back to school would trigger him and cause him to relapse? It was quite a big deal to go from barely doing anything for three weeks to going back to his old life and he had no idea if he was truly ready for that.

 

The sad part was kinda obvious; Calum really didn’t want to leave Ashton behind. He wanted to be able to hold him and kiss him and talk to him all day, every day, and not just fifteen minutes a day or so over the phone.

 

It’s probably pretty self-evident why the boy was also really proud of himself. He no longer felt like killing himself, and according to doctor Rooney, it was all thanks to _him_. The doctor had told him that it takes a lot of devotion and hard work to recover from severe depression and suicidal thoughts, and despite not being completely okay again, Calum was doing good. He was allowed to be nothing but proud of himself.

 

Despite being excited and proud and what not, Calum couldn’t help but feel guilty utmost. He couldn’t talk to his friends about his departure, about not being able to wait to finally play his beloved sport again, or his favourite video game called FiFa. The two of them still had to stay, and worst of all: they had to stay _without him_ and Calum just wished there was something he could do about it.

He had considered asking doctor Rooney if he could stay a little longer, to help Ashton to get out of here as well but he knew that was a foolish thought.

And so, the boy tried to think as least as possible and enjoy his last few hours.

 

“Are you excited for tonight Cal?” Ashton asked during dinner, pulling him from his train of thoughts. The raven haired boy hadn’t even _touched_ his food yet.

“Honestly?” he asked, pulling a face.

“Of course” the older boy giggled while bringing another ketchup covered fry to his mouth.

“I am. But I’m also not”

The boy knew he didn’t have to explain any further, trusting his boyfriend would understand immediately.

And as expected, Ashton nodded right away.

“Try to focus on the fun part and to enjoy every second of it. Don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow is still a day away” he winked and though it was such a cliché thing to say, Calum decided to at least try to do as he was told.

“You’re right” he replied, finally picking up two fries and beginning to eat.

 

### ***

 

Calum hadn’t told anyone besides Ashton and Michael that he was leaving, so it came as a surprise to most patients when they found out yet another party was being held that night.

The raven haired boy hadn’t told because he didn’t know how and if he didn’t talk about it, maybe it would be a little less real.

 

So when he walked into the full common room and everyone began to cheer and applaud him, he just looked down at his feet until they stopped.

Dennis was the first to walk up to him and to pat him on the back, many other people he had talked to once or twice following his example.

“How long have you been here for?” a depressed girl who Calum had chatted with that morning during group therapy asked.

“Three weeks” he answered.

“Oh, that’s not too long.”

She didn’t frown as she said it, and she sounded really kind, but the boy couldn’t help but feel like she had just attacked him somehow. Her comment made him feel like his depression and his problems weren’t valid or whatever, like he hadn’t been sick enough to deserve to stay here any longer. He knew it was bullshit to think like that, but couldn’t stop it.

As if he could sense the negative thoughts taking over his boyfriend’s brain, Ashton wrapped an arm around Calum’s waist and moved the two of them to the makeshift dancefloor.

“Dance with me” he muttered into his ear, talking softly as if he were telling a secret nobody was allowed to hear but him.

And who was Calum to deny the gorgeous blonde that much?

 

The patient didn’t know the song that was playing. It sounded kinda old.

It was a slow song and so the couple wrapped their arms around each other and pulled the other as close as possible, their chests touching and their knees bumping against each other.

They managed to stand on the other’s toes more often than not, but Calum wouldn’t have it any other way; it was his last night with Ashton in who knew how long and so he wouldn’t mind sacrificing some toes for him. 

 

“Are you gonna speech like when Luke left?” the boy wondered a little while later, already curious to what his boyfriend would say to and about him.

“I’m not sure” Ashton said, pulling a very serious face.

“Really?” Calum questioned, grinning a little because he was pretty sure the blonde was just messing with him.

“Yeah, I mean, I wouldn’t know what to say. Like, no words would be beautiful and inspiring enough for you” the eldest admitted.

“And I might cry.”

“You wouldn’t” Calum laughed at him and for a second or two Ashton pretended to be offended.

“No, I wouldn’t” he agreed with him then, giggling a little.  

 

The slow song turned into a slightly less old, upbeat song and Ashton pulled Calum so they were twirling all over the dancefloor. The raven haired boy just went where Ashton pulled or pushed him to go, letting him lead in their sloppy and uncoordinated dance. It probably looked terrible, but they were having fun and that was what mattered after all.

The eldest was grinning so hard, Calum feared he’d somehow tear his cheeks and end up looking like the joker or whatever. But then again, his own cheeks were hurting too from smiling so much, so they’d both end up with creepy scars in their face and it would be alright.

 

They danced for another song or two until a nurse stopped the music and all heads turned towards her.

“Doctor Rooney would like to say a word now” she smiled at Calum and the other patients.

The man smiled at her as if to thank her and then cleared his throat.

“I know usually staff doesn’t really speech unless none of the patients want to, but I’d like to say something to you Calum.”

The boy nodded, telling the man to go on without so many words. He was quite curious to what was so important to say.

“You see, everyone who comes in here, comes for themselves; to better themselves, to return to the people they once were. They make friends but focus mainly on their own health and their own problems. They try not to worry about other people’s problems too much and that’s why they usually keep a certain distance.”

Calum thought back of his first conversation with Ashton.

_‘You can’t feel sorry for everyone in here, not even yourself. You won’t make it out if you do.’_

“But you, Cal, you became very close with Luke, Michael and Ashton. You worried about them and tried to help them, but most of all: you had fun with them. And I noticed the change. You made progress since the very first day, but the other three hadn’t so much. And then you came along…”

He paused for a second and Calum furrowed his brows, confused to what he had to do with the other three patients’ progress.

“When you joined the three boys, there finally was someone for Ashton to talk to with during meals which distracted Luke a little from his food. It helped him. And you were the first roommate Michael had who didn’t complain about him getting up early and making noise cleaning his room.”

The raven haired boy looked at his roommate, who smiled at him, seeming grateful. He smiled back.

“You didn’t force him to change and accepted his flaws, even though you knew he was in here to get rid of them. It’s the best you could have done for him.”

“And Ashton…”

The older boy automatically pulled Calum even closer to him with the arm that was still curled around his waist.

“Ashton hadn’t opened up to me yet when you came here. He’d been here for quite a while and had never told me certain things. And then you came along and he started talking about stuff I didn’t even know about. It’s not hard to see you make him happy.”

The two boys shared a look and the blonde mouthed an ‘ _I love you_ ’. Calum just wished they weren’t the centre of attention right now so he could snog the boy until they were completely out of breath.

“So what I am trying to say, Calum, is that I am so proud of you. You really made this a better place for at least three people even though you didn’t know it at all and were just fighting your own demons.”

The man took a step back, showing he was done talking and everybody applauded. Whether it was for him or the doctor, the young boy wasn’t sure, but he blushed either way.

 

“Cal” Ashton suddenly said softly, and the boy turned his head to look at him. The eldest pulled his arm away then and moved so they were facing each other properly, Ashton taking Calum’s hands in his own. The boy figured he wasn’t going to stand in the middle of the room to speech like he had done with Luke and he was more than okay with that.

“I really wasn’t joking when I said I wasn’t sure if I was going to say something or not” he started, raising his voice just enough so everyone could hear them.

“Because it’s like I said: no words would be good enough for you. No matter what I say, you will deserve better…”

The boy took a deep breath, mentally preparing himself. Calum mindlessly did the same.

“What doctor Rooney said is true. I am not sure how exactly you did it, but you did and I want to thank you for that. You didn’t just make my days more fun, you also taught me that it is okay to be vulnerable sometimes. You broke down my walls and showed me it’s easier to deal with certain things when you know it’s not just you, but there are people who are willing to help you or simply be there for you.

You shared your stories with me, your methods to deal with bad days and you even shared your family with me and I couldn’t be more thankful for that.”

When Calum looked into his hazel eyes, he noticed they were more watery than they usually were and it made him feel so damn _loved_. He had never seen Ashton cry or even close to tears before, so this was a quite special moment.

“So… Thank you Calum. I love you.”

The boy only pecked his lips, to keep it PDA and all, but the youngest could still tell it was such a genuine act of affection and so he didn’t mind they couldn’t make out a little more.

“I love you too” Calum told him, keeping his voice low enough so only his boyfriend could hear him.

 

He was going to miss the other boy so damn much.


	22. Twenty-two

_Wednesday_

 

“Calum!” Mali cheered way too loud as she ran into the hospital hall and crashed into the boy, wrapping her arms around him tightly. He had been anxiously waiting for his family to show up for about ten minutes already, and couldn’t be happier to see them.

“We are so damn proud of you!”

Suddenly there were two other pairs of arms around him and a chin on top of his head and he knew that were his parents.

The Hoods stood there for a little while until Calum started feeling clammy and uncomfortable from being in the middle of the group hug and started squirming to get out.

Only then, the family noticed Ashton and Michael standing in the hallway, watching it all happen.

“Hi boys” Joy greeted them, laying a hand on Ashton’s shoulder and making sure to smile at Michael since he didn’t like to be touched by strangers. Mali Koa pulled her brother’s boyfriend in a tight hug too before the six of them went upstairs to get Calum’s stuff.

 

“Oh wow Cal, your room is so clean!” Joy noted as soon as the boy opened the door towards his and Michael’s shared bedroom. Calum and Ashton chuckled and Michael just beamed proudly. His cleaning habits did have its pro’s sometimes.

“That’s probably not to his doing though” David said, making sure his son knew he was just teasing him a little. The boy smiled at his dad sheepishly. His messy room had been bothering his parents quite a lot lately, though he never understood why. It’s _his_ room after all.

 

While David looked a little lost, Joy and Mali-Koa started re-folding the youngest Hood’s shirts and other clothes while Ashton and Calum collected the rest of his stuff.

“Is this your shirt Cal?” his sister asked after she had folded two shirts, holding it up and looking at it as if it was going to answer her any minute.

“No, it’s mine” Michael said, reaching out to take it from her.

“Oh.”

“There might be more shirts of Michael in my drawer. I’m pretty sure some of mine are in his as well…” the raven haired boy chuckled. Ashton looked up at that.

“Which reminds me; your Blink-182 hoodie is still in my room. I’ll go get it” the blonde spoke, already turning to leave.

“No, that’s fine” Calum said, grabbing his boyfriends’ wrist to stop him.

“You can keep it.”

Joy shot her son a look then.

“Are you sure? You love that sweater; you wear it pretty much every day.”

“Ashton can give it back later” Calum shrugged easily, earning a beautiful smile from the older patient which he couldn’t help but return. They were going to see each other again after this.

“Is this Michael’s too?” Joy asked, holding up a sweater she didn’t realize.

“No. I think it’s Luke’s actually” the raven haired boy said.

“No, it’s mine… But you can keep it Cal.”

The boy’s face lit up, his wide so bright it hurt his cheeks. He already knew he’d wear it pretty much every night, pulling it up to his nose so he’d still be able to smell his boyfriend while they were separated. He kissed the blonde on his cheek to thank him and then continued packing, making sure to keep the hoodie near his carry-on baggage like his phone they had given him back a little earlier.

 

Once they had checked Michael’s drawer for his clothes as well (which wasn’t in vain at all since they had found three shirts, a tank top and a pair of joggers) the Hood family and Calum’s two friends made their way down again. His parents and older sister brought his luggage to the car and told him they would wait outside for him, giving him the opportunity to say goodbye to his friends properly.

 

Michael stepped forward first, pulling Calum into a tight hug, swinging the two of them from left to right a little.

“I’m gonna miss you” he murmured.

“Me too. We’ll be in touch though” the younger boy promised, pressing his cheek against Michael’s.

The boys hugged for another second or three and then let go. He left the couple alone after he had wished Calum the best and patted Ashton on the shoulder, knowing how hard this was on him.

Then they were alone.

 

“Hi” Ashton smiled sheepishly at him.

“Hey” Calum smiled back before taking a step closer to his boyfriend and closing the distance between the two of them.

The youngest cupped Ashton’s cheeks in his hands and looked into his eyes before closing his own and pressing his lips against the older boy’s. His hands wrapped around his waist, pulling him impossibly closer, their chests pressed together.

As the blonde licked into his mouth, one of Calum’s hands moved to the back of his neck, playing with the little hairs there.

Ashton pulled back the tiniest bit.

“I don’t want you to go” he mumbled against his lips. Then he kissed him once.

“I don’t want you to stay either.”

He kissed him again.

“Come with me” the youngest whispered dramatically.

“You know I can’t” Ashton chuckled, albeit without any humour.

“I wish you could.”

The boy leaned in for another kiss, telling Calum without words that he wished he could too.

“I promise I’ll do anything to get out as soon as possible. I’ve never been this determined to get better before.”

“Just get better baby.”

 

“Calum? We need to get going!” Mali called after a little while and Calum sighed.

“I’m sorry” he mumbled, though he wasn’t sure what for.

“It’s okay. Call me when you get home?”

“Of course.”

And with that, they kissed for the very last time in who knew how long.

 

### ***

 

The ride back was silent, but not like it had been three weeks ago. The weird, sad tension wasn’t there. In fact, everybody seemed pretty giddy to be _together_ again.

Sure, they all knew this wasn’t over yet, that Calum wasn’t over his depression completely yet, but he was _better_.

 

Calum listened to the song on the radio he didn’t know - probably because he hadn’t really listened to any music the last three weeks - and smiled as his sister started singing along in perfect harmony. He had missed this.

When his mother’s eyes met his through the rear view mirror, he noticed she was smiling back at him, obviously relieved with how good her son was doing.

 

He spent the rest of the car ride thinking about the life that was waiting for him. He had one week off before school would start again and he was probably going to football practise again in two days or so. He wasn’t sure if he was ready for it all, but at least he knew what to do if it became too much for him. He had people who were looking out for him now, who paid close attention to his mood and though that would probably be pretty annoying, it also made him feel safe.

He was also worried about what the people in his school would say, but tried to push those thoughts away. He’d deal with it next Monday morning.

 

His dad just pulled into the driveway when his mother spoke up, being the first to break the silence.

“Your grandmother and -father really wanted to visit, as did Aunt Mary, but I told them that had to wait. I figured you’d like to get some rest first… I hope that’s okay.”

It made Calum feel so loved when he heard that, he couldn’t help but smile. He understood his mum was worried he’d expected a big ‘welcome home’ party or whatever but that was the last thing he wanted.

“You’re the best, mum. Thank you!”

If he was being honest, he couldn’t wait to just take a quick shower and lay in bed, listening to his favourite All Time Low album. He’d obviously call Ashton first, in case he’d fall asleep and the blonde would be worried, but he wouldn’t much more than that.

 

It felt really weird to be home again. It wasn’t the same as coming home after a three week long vacation or when he had been in the hospital after breaking a rib a few years back. But it didn’t feel like arriving at a hotel or staying over at a friend’s place for the first time either. Calum wasn’t really sure what it felt like, just that it felt _weird._

He watched as his parents carried his luggage to his room and followed them, figuring he was perfectly capable of unpacking himself, since his parents had already done so much for him.

 

As soon as they had left, he pulled on the hoodie that he had cuddled on his way back. He then put on some music and plopped down on his bed, dialling the number he had scribbled down on a piece of paper that was crumpled because he had kept it in his skinny jeans’ pocket.

He listened as it made a beeping noise, telling him it was ringing inside of the common room in the hospital. He wondered who’d answer.

 

 _“Hello?”_ a voice Calum didn’t recognize right away said.

“Hi. I am looking for Ashton.”

_“Who’s this?”_

“Calum.”

“ _Okay”_ the voice replied. Then he heard some noises from the other side and someone yelling: “ _Ash. It’s your boyfriend”._ And only then Calum realized it had been Alex.

There were some more noises before the raven haired boy finally heard his boyfriend’s voice.

“ _Hey baby”_ he said, and Calum could pretty much hear him smile through the phone.

“Hi.”

“ _Is that satellite?”_ the eldest asked after a short moment of comfortable silence and Calum beamed.

“Yes, it is actually.”

“ _Can you turn it up a little?”_

“Better?”

“ _Yes, thank you! God, I really miss music. Like, it’s fun to make it once a week, but it’s not the same as just doing nothing and listening to your favourite artists…”_

“I know. We can listen to something every night” the kiwi boy promised.

 “ _I’d love that.”_

They were silent for another little while.

“ _So, what’s it like?”_

Calum didn’t need the older boy to specify, for he knew exactly what he was talking about.

“Weird. It’s good, but really weird. I don’t know…” he mumbled.  He knew it was vague, but the blonde would get it either way.

As expected, Ashton hummed in understanding.

“ _Were there any people when you got home?”_ he wanted to know.

“No. Mum said my grandparents and my aunt wanted to visit but she told them to visit later. I’m really glad they weren’t here to be honest.”

Ashton hummed again, probably understanding his boyfriend completely.

“But enough about me. What did you do today?”

_“Besides missing you to death, you mean?”_

Calum made a disagreeing noise.

“ _Alex and Dennis joined us for dinner, so I had someone to talk to. I mean, someone who’d actually talk back”_ the blonde chuckled.

“ _And now I’m teaching them bullshit.”_

“Don’t replace me.”

“ _You left”_ Ashton shot back playfully.

Calum pouted, until he realized his boyfriend wouldn’t be able to see that.

“Don’t be mean” he said instead.

“ _Kidding, babe. No one could ever replace you.”_

“I’m glad you two made new friends” he replied sincerely.

“I’d hate myself if I knew I’d leave you alone, feeling totally miserable all of the time.”

_“That wouldn’t have been your fault though.”_

“Still.”

 

Suddenly, Calum heard all kinds of noises and some mumbling from the other side of the line and curiously waited for Ashton to speak up. What he said though, wasn’t what he had hoped for.

“ _I’m sorry babe, time’s up. I need to go.”_

 _“_ Noo!” Calum all but whined.

“ _I’m sorry. I love you”_

“I love you more.”

_“Impossible.”_

“No it’s not.”

“ _Bye Calum.”_

“Bye. I’ll call you tomorrow.”


	23. Twenty-three

_Friday_

 

Calum spent the next two days trying to stay busy, instead of just lying in bed and doing nothing like he felt like doing. Doctor Rooney had told him that it was important to keep doing stuff – it didn’t really matter what.

So he had redecorated his room, had helped his mother clean the living room and bathroom, went grocery shopping with his dad and baked his family cupcakes.

Of course, doing all that kind of stuff left him kinda tired and so he slept a lot more than he did before he got depressed. But it wasn’t as much as he had done the weeks before his suicide attempt, so that was good.

 

Mali-Koa spent every hour she wasn’t at school with him, teaching him how to draw and listening to music or just talking to him and it was nice. It wasn’t the same as in the hospital though, where Calum had been surrounded by people who completely understood him, who had gone through the same or very similar things.

But she tried and that was what counted the most.

 

“Where are we going?” her little brother asked as Mali pulled Calum out of the house after lunch on Friday.

“Out.”

“But where?”

“You’ll see.”

The raven haired boy groaned, but let himself be pushed into the passenger’s seat of their mother’s car, which Mali Koa drove more than her recently. He pushed pretty much all the buttons until he finally found a song on the radio he knew and liked and watched the world flashing by as his sister drove them to their mysterious destiny. He wasn’t too worried though; his sister usually had the best ideas.

He watched as more and more houses turned into trees until they had left the city behind them completely.

He looked at the lands, the cows and their babies and the farmers in their tractors, imagining they had gone back in time. When he rolled down his window, the smell of freshly mown grass filled their nostrils, putting a smile on both of their faces. He had missed this.

 

Eventually, after an half an hour drive or so, his sister steered their car onto a narrow dirt road, leading to a farm and finally Calum recognized where they were going.

“The petting farm? Really?” he questioned, trying to hide how _excited_ he actually was.

“Yes. You loved this place as a kid and since all children are in school now anyways, we’ll probably be the only ones there.”

“Besides, I read they have a lot of baby animals at the moment, and nothing is better at putting a smile on your faces than baby animals.”

Calum grinned; his sister knew him too well. He didn’t reply right away, just stared at the farm without noticing the car had come to a halt.

“So, are you getting out or not?” Mali-Koa asked, already opening her car door.

“Right” the raven haired boy grinned sheepishly, getting out of the car and following his sister towards the entrance.

 

She paid and soon enough, they found themselves in the middle of a family of goats.

“Oh my god Mali, look at those tiny baby goat horns!” he squealed when a young goat approached him. It was white with light brown and black spots and it was the cutest little thing the kiwi boy had ever seen. Maybe besides his aunt’s puppy.

“Do you think I can pick it up?”

She shrugged, not taking her eyes off of the goat that was standing on some sort of wooden bridge, its nose almost against her own.

“Just try…”

“Right.”

 

Calum looked at the young animal as it curiously wandered closer and just as it was close enough to the kiwi boy, he reached for it and lifted it up. It didn’t even struggle as Calum carried it around and pet it.

“Mali, look!”

His sister finally looked up than and then smiled so bright, her eyes were squeezed almost entirely shut.

“Let me take a picture” she beamed, taking her phone from the pocket of her blue skinny jeans, giggling as her brother pulled a silly face at the baby goat. He put it down afterwards.

 

### ***

 

“Did you have fun today?” Mali Koa asked as they were seated in a grass field, some chicken and a rooster walking around them. It was almost time to go, for the petting farm was going to close earlier today. One of their cows could have a baby any minute now, and the staff all wanted to be there.

“Yes, lots of it. Thanks sis.”

“I told you” she winked playfully.

He rolled his eyes, but couldn’t stop smiling if he wanted to.

 

They fell silent again, watching the chickens walking around aimlessly.

“What are you thinking about?” his sister then asked, noticing the slight frown that suddenly appeared on her brother’s face.

“Ashton…”

“What about him?”

“It’s visiting hour in like half an hour and all patients will be spending time with their family and he’ll be all alone.”

“That’s really sad” his sister agreed.

“Why doesn’t his family visit him? Does he have any?”

“He does. It’s just really complicated I guess” Calum sighed. He really didn’t want Ashton to be alone and sad.

The two siblings fell silent again, both thinking about the blonde.

A little, yellow chicken with brown spots tripped over a tiny branch, causing the two Hoods to laugh and then feel sorry for the tiny creature.

 

Mali’s face suddenly lit up, gasping a little.

“Why don’t _we_ just go there? It’s like a twenty minutes’ drive from here; we’ll easily make it in time.”

“He doesn’t want that though.”

“What?!” his sister gaped at him, obviously very confused to why Ashton wouldn’t want her boyfriend to come and visit him.

“Yeah… He thinks it won’t be good for my recovery. Says the place will only remind me of the bad times I had in here and stuff. I don’t know; he kinda told me not to come.”

“Do you think he’s right?”

Calum shrugged.

“I’m not afraid to go back. I just wanna go see Ash.”

“Then you should.”

“I don’t think he wants me to.”

“Cal, you are not happy to be away from him, and he won’t be happy when no one visits him either.”

And, well… His sister did have a point there.

“Are you sure?”

“One hundred percent” she nodded.

“He’s crazy about you, I can tell. He’ll be over the moon to see you again.”

The raven haired boy bit his bottom lip and stared ahead, thinking over his options. He could either go home and call Ashton tonight, telling each other how their days were and how much they miss each other, or he could go and visit Ashton, hold him and kiss him.

“Okay” he said.

“Let’s get going!”

“Yes!” Mali-Koa cheered dramatically.

They both jumped up and rushed to the car, despite Mali-Koa having said they had plenty of time. The siblings couldn’t wait to see the blonde again though, especially Calum.

 

The car ride was all but silent this time. The radio was on and the Hoods sang along to every song they knew, singing from the top of their lungs, causing the people next to them at red light to look at them funnily.

It was fun and Calum couldn’t help but feel giddy. He hadn’t expected to actually see his boyfriend in quite a while, so actually visiting now was like a dream coming true.

He was a little anxious of what the blonde would say though, but he tried to push those thoughts away. Ashton was probably gonna be happy to see him.

 

As his sister had promised, the car ride took less than twenty minutes, but the closer they got to the hospital, the harder Calum’s heart started to beat and the more nervous he felt. Maybe Ashton would actually get mad at him. Or even worse: maybe the blonde had decided he liked one of his new friends better than him and decided to replace him since he was gone anyways. He knew it weren’t very rational thoughts, but they scared him either way.

So when his sister opened her car door and got out, Calum stayed right where he was.

“What’s up?” she asked, recognizing the change of mood immediately.

“Maybe this isn’t a good idea” he mumbled, refusing to look her in the eyes.

“But I thought you wanted to come?”

“Yeah, I did. And now I don’t know anymore.”

Mali-Koa sighed.

“You need to _at least_ give it a try. I am so sure he’ll be ecstatic to see you again. And if he isn’t, we leave and you can call him tonight.”

Calum sighed. He still wasn’t convinced, but he felt bad for making his sister drive them here for nothing, so he reluctantly got out of the car.

“Come on; let’s go find your boyfriend!” she grinned, trying to get him to smile.

It didn’t work.

 

### ***

 

“Calum? What are you doing back so soon?” Mabel asked from behind her desk, looking confused and maybe even a little disappointed.

“I’m here to visit” he explained.

The woman looked impossibly even more confused, so Mali-Koa decided to step in.

“We’re here for Ashton Irwin. Can you tell him he’s got visitors?”

The woman blinked twice, as if she was pulling herself from a train of thoughts or whatever and then nodded. She dialled a number the two siblings couldn’t see from where they were standing and mumbled a ‘ _visitors for Ashton’_ to the person on the other side of the line. Calum could hear a voice saying ´ _okay’_ and impatiently looked at the stairs, as if Ashton would magically appear there within a second.

 

A figure walked down the stairs and Calum watched them come down while chewing on his bottom lip, but it turned out to be someone else.

Then another patient came down and the raven haired boy almost gave up, despite having waited for less than half a minute.

 

Then someone in black skinny jeans walked down and Calum knew it was Ashton as soon as his black and yellow Blink-182 hoodie came into view. He got up and had to refrain himself from running to the bottom of the stairs.

As soon as Ashton recognized his visitors, his entire face lit up and Mali-Koa shot her brother a look that had to say ‘ _I told you so’._

Calum didn’t notice though, too caught up in the heart eyes his boyfriend and he were sending each other.

“Calum?” Ashton asked, sounding like he didn’t quite believe it yet.

“Yup” the younger boy giggled, reaching out his arms for Ashton to fall into.

“Oh my god, you’re actually here” the patient giggled, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend’s torso and burying his face in the crook of his neck, inhaling deeply.

“Yeah, I am. Are you not mad?” Calum asked, sounding way too insecure for his own liking.

“What?! No, of course not!”

The blonde pulled away a little, but only so he was able to kiss the kiwi boy over and over again.

“I love you so much!”

Calum giggled, moving his hand through Ashton’s hair while he kept kissing the younger boy’s nose, cheeks and forehead.

“I love you too.”

“Let’s go outside.”

 

Ashton pulled Calum towards the garden and the three of them sat down underneath the Oaktree. Michael was a few feet away, talking to his parents and he grinned and waved when he spotted the ex-patient.

For a second, it felt like Calum had never left at all. It was weird to admit to himself that it wasn’t a bad feeling either.

“I can’t believe you are actually here” the blonde beamed, resting his head on top of the younger boy’s shoulder and sighing happily. His large hand took Calum’s in his own, playing with his fingers, touching him just to touch him.

Instead of answering him with words, the raven haired boy decided to kiss the boy on top of his head.

 

“Oh, and I need to tell you something.”

“What?” Calum asked curiously, automatically smiling at Ashton’s enthusiastic tone. This had to be good news.

“Mum and the kids are coming over on Sunday.”


	24. Twenty-four

_Sunday_

 

“Mali, do you know where my black button down is?” Calum yelled from his room, knowing his sister was in hers. He had turned his entire closet upside down to find it and was now rummaging through the piles on the floor. His hair was still fluffy from the shower and his chest damp and he only had like ten minutes to get ready left.

“Have you checked mum’s room yet? She just did some laundry and there’s some of your stuff on her bed, I think” his sister called back.

Calum’s face lit up and he pretty much ran to their parent’s bedroom, finding three piles of laundry on top of their bed as Mali-Koa had said. He quickly found his and brought it to his room, leaving everything on top of his desk except for the shirt he had been looking for.

As soon as he had put it on, he went searching for socks and his shoes and then rushed to the bathroom to make his hair look a little more decent.

“What’s all the fuss about?” a female voice suddenly asked, and the kiwi boy looked up to see his sister in the door opening, leaning against the door post.

“I told you; Ashton’s family is coming over today” he explained impatiently, moving his hands through his hair over and over again without changing much.

“So?”

“So? I wanna make a good impression!”

“They will love you no matter what, Cal. Ashton loves you and you make him happy; they cannot not love you.”

The youngest sibling sighed and gave up on his hair. He turned to look Mali-Koa in the eye.

“Still. I want today to be absolutely _perfect._ Ash hasn’t seen them in I don’t even know how long…”

“I know, but they will be there and you will be right there with them; it’ll be more than perfect. Trust me.”

She moved out of the way so Calum could put on his shoes and they could get going. Mali-Koa had promised to drop him off and pick him up, not wanting to intrude on such a special afternoon.

“I really hope you’re right.”

 

The car ride was silent, due to Calum’s nervousness. He spent most of the time thinking of all the possible ‘ _what if’_ scenarios, some of them too good to be true and some too scary to think about for too long.

 

He hadn’t been doing too well the last two days, but maybe that was because his first few days at home had been better than he had expected. Or maybe that was because the novelty of home was already gone and he was dreading going back to school, going back to his old life.

Living with a mental illness was weird and scary; you never knew what to expect or what to feel. Recovery never came in a straight line, Calum knew that. Still, the bad days still scared the crap out of him, made him fear he had to go back to the hospital soon.

So, if today would go well, it would probably help him get out of the slight low he had found himself in again.

And of course, he wanted this to go down well for Ashton.

If he’d be disappointed, Calum would probably feel even worse, so there was enough reason to be worried sick.

 

“Stop thinking about it so much” Mali-Koa scolded him when they were almost there. Calum huffed.

“Easy for you to say” he mumbled while looking out of the window, refusing to look at the girl. He knew she was right though.

“How many times do I have to ensure you it will be perfect before you’ll believe me?”

“At least a hundred more times” Calum sighed miserably.

“It’ll be fine” she said only once.

It didn’t work.

 

Mali-Koa didn’t bother to park the car, since she’d drive away as soon as her brother would get out anyways. So Calum got out, walked two steps away, turned around to wave at his sister and thank her without words and then she left.

Calum watched her go, feeling almost as alone as he had done the day his family had left him behind for a then unknown time. He took a deep breath, reminding himself of the fact he was here for Ashton this time, and that his sister would pick him up in three hours.

Then he walked inside, finding he was a little bit too early. Ashton was already seated on the very last step of the stairs anyways.

 

As soon as he noticed his boyfriend, he jumped up and tightly wrapped his arms around him as soon as they had reached each other in the middle.

“Hi baby” he murmured into his dark hair, his hand rubbing up and down his back while Calum buried his face into the crook of the blonde boy’s neck.

“Hey” the boy whispered back.

“How are you?” Ashton asked sincerely and Calum smiled a little as he answered: “better, now that I am here with you.”

It was a cliché thing to say but it was more than true. He hadn’t felt this relaxed ever since he had left Ashton behind on Wednesday.

“What’s wrong?” the blonde asked, pushing Calum off of him a tiny bit to look at him better. Of course he’d be worried about the youngest.

“I don’t know; it’s just not easy being home again and having to go back to school and stuff. It seemed to be going pretty well at first but now it’s not and it’s just hard.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

Calum shrugged.

“It’ll be alright. How are you?”

“Nervous” Ashton giggled high-strung.

 The raven haired boy moved his hand to grab his boyfriend’s bigger one and squeezed it a little. The blonde smiled at him in return.

 

The couple had to wait for about five minutes before Ashton’s family finally turned up. All patients and their families had already left the hall when two blonde kids ran in, followed by a blonde woman with too many wrinkles for her age. She looked tired, but smiled at her son as the two younger siblings ran towards his outstretched arms. Calum noted the youngest looked _just like_ Ashton, and their sister was like a female version of them. It was way too cute.

Ashton lifted the eight year old boy up with ease and let him wrap his little arms around his neck. His mother had just joined them when he pressed a kiss to the top of Lauren’s head. She smiled at Ashton and reached out to cup his cheek.

Calum could tell the blonde was happy, but somehow a little closed off from his own mother at the same time and it was a weird sight to see.

“I am so sorry baby” she said, the tears already in her eyes.

“I know I should’ve visited earlier, but I just couldn’t.”

Ashton swallowed visibly and Calum held his hand a little tighter.

“I have missed you so much” she said, stepping in to press a kiss to his temple. Ashton still didn’t relax completely.

 

“Do you wanna check out the garden? It’s really big and pretty!” Ashton turned to his siblings when his mother let go of him and the two nodded enthusiastically.

“Yes! Can we play tag?”

The eldest pulled a serious face then, pretending to be thinking about it.

“I’m not sure…” he mumbled.

His little brother started to pout but then Ashton started to grin and quickly touched Harry’s shoulder.

“Tag, you’re it!” he yelled, and then started to run away as quick as he could. Lauren caught on right away and ran after him, leaving a slightly confused Harry behind. He then started to giggle and run after the others.

Calum, feeling a little bad for the little boy, decided to run as slowly as he could manage without making it look like he wasn’t actually trying. The eight-year-old managed to poke him in the side just as they had reached the garden and he quickly darted away.

The raven haired boy looked around, seeing Lauren wasn’t too far away yet and he decided to chase her then. She squealed as he reached her and tagged her and then, unfair as it was, went after Harry since he was the easiest target for her.

Ashton let himself be tagged by his little clone and then smirked at Calum as he started to run from his boyfriend.

“Baby…” he giggled.

“Come here!”

“As if!” Calum shot back, almost tripping over someone else’s leg. He apologized quickly but continued running anyways.

 

It was obvious the blonde was way too fast for him though, and before he even knew it a chest collided into his back and he was almost tackled to the ground. The arms around his torso kept him upright though.

“Tag, you’re it” a low voice whispered into his ear, tickling his skin and causing goose bumps to rise.

“You dick…” he muttered, but he said it so fondly, Ashton knew there was no heat behind it at all.

 

### ***

 

Once the two kids were tired and done with running around the garden, the four of them sat down next to where Ashton’s mother had been watching with a sad smile on her face.

Harry and Lauren busied themselves with a game from the common room Ashton had brought while the older ones talked.

 

“So, how are you doing Ash?”

“Fine” the boy shrugged. To Calum, it was obvious he didn’t really feel like talking about himself and his feelings right now, but his mother didn’t seem to notice that.

“Yeah? Are you making any progress yet?”

“Yeah” he mumbled. His mother sighed.

“I’m glad. Do the doctors think you’ll have to stay much longer?”

The blonde shrugged again, acting indifferent. His boyfriend could tell he was wearing one of his masks again though.

“Come one, talk to me Ash. I just wanna know how it’s going with my son.”

“Why do you care?” her son snapped, looking annoyed, angry and disappointed all at once. Calum knew that if the woman said the wrong thing now, she head to bear the brunt.

“I am your mother. Of course I care” she said, looking hurt. The raven haired boy felt bad for her, but worse for Ashton. She hadn’t shown she cared in a way too long time.

“Really? So why did you _never_ visit me, or even call me? I haven’t heard from you in _weeks_. You’re only here because I begged you to come!” Ashton said, his voice growing stronger with every word he spoke. Calum had never seen his boyfriend this pissed before.

“You know why” his mother whispered, looking miserable all of sudden. She looked tired, regretful and extremely hurt all in one.

“Yes I do, but it’s no excuse.”

The blonde woman looked taken aback then, and Calum felt like the two of them had never talked about this before. He felt like he needed to leave so they could talk about it in private.

“Maybe I should-“ he started carefully, but Ashton interrupted him by grabbing his hand tightly, keeping him right where he was. He looked at him with big, pleading eyes and Calum knew he had no choice but to stay.

 

Anne-Marie sighed, looking anywhere but at the two boys in front of her.

“I couldn’t do it. I am sorry Ash, I just _couldn’t_!” She raised her voice a little then, sounding desperate.

“Do you think it was easy for _me?_ Did you seriously think I wouldn’t miss dad even more in here, that it wouldn’t remind me of him? I’ve been here twenty-four-seven for _weeks_ while you didn’t even bother to visit your own son for _one hour_.”

When Calum turned to look from Ashton’s mother to the blonde himself, he saw something he’d never seen before. Tears were streaming down the boy’s face, dripping off of his chin. His voice wavered the more he talked and it broke his boyfriend’s heart. He squeezed his hand and moved a little closer to him, wishing he knew how to comfort him right now.

“I am _sorry!”_ his mother cried back.

“I love you.”

Ashton closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He opened his mouth to reply but the woman wouldn’t let him.

“I know I should’ve been there for you. And you can’t imagine how guilty I’ve felt and obviously still feel. But I had to be there for Harry and Lauren too and I feared I wouldn’t be able to take care of them if I’d become sick too. You took care of them last time and you weren’t there anymore and I was so scared.”

Tears were streaming down her face now too, and the kiwi boy couldn’t deny his tears were threatening to fall too; just from watching the scene. He sort of understood Ashton’s mother, but he obviously chose the patient’s side.

“I am sorry. I know I am a terrible mother and I will do everything I can to make it up to you, I just-“

Suddenly, Ashton let go of the younger boy and surged forward, wrapping his arms around his mother’s neck and burying his face in the crook of their neck as they both started to sob.

 

Calum, feeling like an outsider and intruder, got up and knelt down next to Lauren and Harry now that Ashton didn’t need him anymore to say what he wanted to say. The girl was looking sad while Harry was just really confused and he knew he had to get them away for a bit.

“Come on; I saw some people brought a puppy, and I am pretty sure they will let you pet it if we ask nicely.”


	25. Twenty-five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's been a while! I've been really busy. Also I suck at endings so I really don't know how to wrap this story up and it's so frustrating!! 
> 
> I hope it's not too bad. Only one chapter after this and than probably a sequel.  
> I'm not sure about that yet though...

_Sunday_

 

Ashton’s eyes were still red-rimmed when Lauren turned around to wave at her big brother one last time. Harry, in all of innocence, had cried, thinking he wouldn’t see Ashton for another few weeks again.

Their mother had promised they’d visit on Wednesday again soon though, but the two kids were still reluctant to leave the blonde behind. It had been hard on Ashton.

 

Calum stayed, even though he knew he had to leave within five minutes or so as well. He hugged his boyfriend, letting him burry his face into his neck and rubbed his back. He’d do anything to comfort the blonde.

“How do you feel?” the kiwi boy asked softly after a minute of silence.

“I’m not sure” Ashton mumbled, his lips brushing against Calum’s skin, raising goose bumps there.

“Are you excited for Wednesday?”

“Yeah” Ashton sighed happily. Despite feeling torn about his mother’s visit, he was glad she had finally showed up and that she had promised to come again. Though he didn’t agree with his mother’s choices, he did understand them; which made it hard to stay upset with her.

“Do you want me to come again?” Calum questioned, not sure if maybe Ashton wanted some alone time with his family he next time or not.

Ashton moved away from the younger boy then, looking into his eyes.

“Of course I want you to come!”

To make sure Calum believed him, Ashton leaned in to kiss him on the lips and linger there for a little while.

 

“I am sorry boys, but visiting hour is over” Mabel said once they parted.

“You need to leave Calum.”

The boy nodded.

“I know. Just one second…”

He leaned forward to press his lips against the older boy’s one last time.

“I’ll call you when I get home” he promised, his lips still close enough to Ashton’s for them to brush while he talked.

“I’ll be waiting.”

 

When Calum stepped outside of the hospital, his sister was already waiting for him. She smiled and waved at him as he walked towards their parents’ car and the boy waved back.

He felt so tired suddenly, as if he hadn’t slept in two days or whatever. He got in the car and rested his head against the headrest, closing his eyes and sighing.

“What’s wrong?” Mali-Koa wanted to know.

“I don’t know. Just tired…” he mumbled in response.

“How come?”

The kiwi boy could hear the worried tone in his sister’s voice, and he obviously couldn’t blame her. In fact, he blamed himself for making her worry about him again. He just didn’t want to pretend he was alright when he was in fact not, knowing that never worked out for anybody. He had tried it before.

“I don’t know; it was just really intense to see Ash and his mother together and stuff.”

Mali hummed and nodded, showing she understood.

“I’ve never seen Ashton cry before” Calum admitted a little while later.

“I think it’s a good sign…”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. He’s finally letting it all out. It’ll be good for him.”

“I really hope you’re right…”

 

### ***

_Monday_

 

When Calum’s alarm went off about an hour before school started, the boy had only had like three hours of sleep. He had been so nervous, overthinking every tiny thing that could possibly go wrong on his first school day since his suicide attempt, that it had been almost impossible to fall asleep.

Despite knowing there wouldn’t be a nurse to drag him out of bed this time, Calum got up and went to get dressed. He told himself that staying in bed – or going back to bed in this case – wasn’t going to solve anything, no matter how inviting it seemed.

He’d probably regret leaving in less than an hour, but at least he could say he had given it a real try.

 

As soon as he had found a shirt to wear, he went downstairs to eat breakfast with his mother, like he always did. Once Joy had spotted her son, she smiled proudly at him.

“How are you feeling?” she asked, reminding him of his therapist. He tried to push that thought out of his head. She was just showing interest in her son like any good mother would.

“Nervous.”

He went to grab a bowl, some cereal and milk and sat down at the table to eat.

“I bet. Aren’t you excited to see your friends again though?”

The boy shrugged. He had never considered his old friends his actual friends, especially compared to Ashton, Luke and Michael. They hadn’t visited or even called him once while he was away, so he probably wasn’t going to go back to hanging out with them. Maybe he could make new, real friends though, for there was a chance his old ‘friends’ wouldn’t even want him back.

 

He ate slowly, his nervousness growing with every bite he took. It got harder to swallow past the forming lump in his throat but he knew he had no choice. He had to be strong. For his family, for Ashton and for _himself._

So once he was done, he brushed his teeth, styled his hair one last time and put on his shoes.

His mother dropped him off in front of his high school on her way to work and the boy spent about two minutes just staring at the building, dreading going back.

 

He made it to his own locker and then to the classroom of his first class without anyone noticing him, which he was pretty grateful for. He didn’t need all his classmates and other schoolmates to ask him all kinds of questions of where he had been. He didn’t even know if anyone had told him about his situation yet or not, but he tried not to think about it too much.

 

“Hey Calum!” a voice called out as soon as the boy’s bum hit his chair in the very back of the class. It was James, a boy who he’d been playing footie with for years. He had considered the boy his best friend a few weeks ago; before he had left.

“It’s good to see you again, man! I’m so glad you’re back” the boy said, sitting down next to the kiwi boy and smiling brightly.

“Thanks” Calum mumbled in reply. He didn’t believe the brunette.

“I-uh… I heard what happened from coach but I wasn’t sure if you wanted me to visit or whatever, so…” James blushed, looking away from the kiwi boy’s dark brown eyes and to the top of his empty desk.

The slightly older boy sighed and put on his kindest smile.

“It’s okay. I understand” he lied. He didn’t know how he would’ve acted if James had been the one to be hospitalised for depression and he’d been his friend without any experience with that kind of stuff. So he tried not to judge. It would probably be easier for him too, to just forgive and forget instead of holding grudges.

James visibly relaxed and offered Calum another smile.

“The team will be glad to have you back too” was the last thing he said before class began.

 

Funnily enough, his teammate didn’t really leave his side for the rest of the day. He practically forced the raven haired boy to eat with the team like they had done ever since they had both joined and he glared at everybody who dared to question Calum where he had been for so long. Eventually, James had had enough and told everybody on the team to spread the rumour that Calum had been on a footie camp for really talented players.

 

The entire school believed it.

 

### ***

 

_“Hello?”_

“It’s Calum.”

 _“Okay. I’ll get Ashton”_ the unfamiliar voice on the other side of the line said, later that day.

“Thanks…” Calum mumbled. He wondered if the patient had heard him, for it sounded like they had already left to call his boyfriend.

 

 _“Hello?”_ another voice said about half a minute later. This voice was very familiar though.

“Hey baby” the kiwi boy said through a bright smile. Ashton could probably hear it, for he sounded just as happy to hear his voice when he greeted him back.

“How was your day?” Calum wanted to know.

_“It was good. I reached my goal again.”_

The raven haired boy couldn’t help but notice how proud Ashton sounded.

“That’s amazing babe. I’m proud of you.”

_“Thank you. How was your first day at school?”_

“It was so much better than expected, honestly. Everybody was being so nice. I mean, school is still school obviously and I am behind on a lot of stuff but the teachers are all willing to give me some more time to catch up.”

_“I’m glad to hear that.”_

“Thanks. It was really weird; before I left this morning, I expected I wouldn’t have any friends left because they didn’t visit me at all but they apologized and explained and I just couldn’t stay mad at them, I guess?”

 _“Not everybody knows how to handle this kind of stuff. There’s still a bit of a taboo around it, though I don’t understand why…”_ Ashton replied. Calum loved that, even though Calum had already left and thus was obviously by far not as depressed as the blonde was, he still felt like he needed to be Calum’s mentor or whatever. The raven haired boy loved his boyfriend’s advice and stories and just loved knowing he’d always be there for him.

“Yeah, you’re probably right” he agreed.

“James, who’s on the football team with me, has been my personal bodyguard all day. He even spread the rumour I was on a football camp in _Brazil_!” Calum chuckled. Ashton giggled in response.

_“That’s amazing.”_

“Yeah.”

 

The two of them talked for about fifteen minutes until a nurse told Ashton he had to give the phone up for other patients to use. Calum hang up with the promise to call again tomorrow and then let himself fall back on his bed, staring up at the ceiling while thinking about his day. It hadn’t been as bad as he had expected and for the first time in months he actually believed he might be able to go back to the person he had once been.

 

After lounging around for five minutes or so, the raven haired boy put on his favourite Blink-182 album and grabbed his English book to make his homework. He had to write a poem, and though it sounded lame, Calum had always loved the creative assignments. He was good at writing and putting his feelings into words, and now he had a lot of stuff to write about.

Writing helped him sort his feelings out, and so he went to work.

 

He had finished about two verses when his phone rang, and he looked at it with a confused glance before reaching for it and answering. Who could possibly be calling him now?

 

“Calum.”

_“Hi Cal, it’s Luke.”_

“Oh, hi! How are you?”

“ _Good. I mean, seen the circumstances and all, but I’m doing better every day.”_

“I am really glad to hear that” Calum smiled at his homework in his lap, happy to be hearing from his youngest friend again.

_“I heard you got out of the hospital Wednesday. I wasn’t sure if it was alright to call you yet, so I decided to wait for a bit. Mikey told me you already went to visit Ash though, so…”_

Calum nodded, despite Luke not being able to see it. The boy was pretty sure the anorexic patient had taken Ashton’s warnings about relapsing to heart and therefor had been scared to call Calum so soon, not wanting to remind him of the bad days or whatever. Luke should’ve known the kiwi boy didn’t believe in all that. He didn’t blame him though.

“Yeah, I did…”

_“Wanna hang out sometime?”_

“I’d love that.”


	26. Twenty-six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only the sequel left guys!

_Saturday_

 

After his first day of school, life went on like nothing had ever happened. At least, to the people around Calum.

It was like they had entirely forgotten what he had done to himself after only a few days. The raven haired boy felt like everybody was trying to forget it had happened at all, including his family. On one hand, he was thankful for it. That way he wasn’t reminded of all the bad days all the time. But on the other hand, it was torture.

Calum felt like he had to pretend like he had forgotten as well. Because if everybody else was going on with their life, then he should too, right? He obviously wasn’t going to bring it up and others wouldn’t either.

He knew he could talk to Mali-Koa if he needed to, but she wasn’t at home often and he didn’t want to bug her too much whenever she was.

 

Of course, Calum still had Ashton. They could talk half an hour a day, max, but it was definitely better than nothing. The kiwi boy didn’t know what he would’ve done without the blonde.

And then there was his therapist, obviously, but Calum didn’t like him as much as doctor Rooney, which caused him to be a lot less open about his problems and thoughts.

 

So when Saturday finally rolled around and Luke would come over after lunch, Calum couldn’t be more excited.

They had texted quite a bit since Monday, but that was about it, for they both had a lot of catching up to do at school. They had decided to hang out every weekend though, to keep in touch and so they were able to talk to and spent time with someone who understood them – almost – completely.

His mother would drop him off and pick him up on Sunday afternoon. It was gonna be absolutely perfect, Calum was sure of it.

 

He spent the morning cleaning his bedroom, getting rid of all the clothes thrown to the floor and his football- and schoolbag. He collected all his books and put them on the shelves where they belonged and once he was done, he went to search for the air mattress which had to be _somewhere._

 

“Calum, I’m going to get some groceries for the weekend. Is there anything you want?” Joy asked when the boy came downstairs to watch a football match with his dad. Mali Koa was at the dining table, working on a new art project. Calum could tell she was trying not to pay any attention to the game on tv, but her eyes kept drifting to the screen. It was definitely her little brother’s fault she liked the game so much.

“No, thanks.”

“Okay.”

His mother turned to leave then, but seemed to think of something before she closed the front door behind her.

“Oh, and I was thinking…” she started “do you think Luke would like to go out for dinner with us? Maybe we could go to the pizzeria you and Mali like?”

“He’s an anorexic patient…” Calum stated without taking his eyes off of the game.

“He’s very uncomfortable eating in front of people, especially when he doesn’t know them.”

“Right” Joy said. She sounded a bit taken aback, and sometimes, Calum forgot that that kind of stuff wasn’t very normal to other people.

“So, what should I buy him?”

“He loves all kinds of pasta” the kiwi boy told his mother.

“Okay. Maybe you could eat it in your room for once…”

And with that, Joy left.

Calum smiled at the door she had already closed behind her, thankful he had such a kind and thoughtful mother.

 

Mali-Koa gave up on not watching the game even before their mother came back and joined Calum and their father on the couch, a pencil still tucked behind her ear and her fingertips silver from rubbing over the lines.

“Are you excited for today?” she asked her little brother during the game, keeping her voice low so everybody could still hear what was going on at the screen.

“Yeah! I really can’t wait to see Luke again!”

“I’m glad to hear that. I think it’ll be good for both of you.”

Calum nodded, his eyes still staring ahead. He never really knew how to react when someone from his family said something about the _situation_ as he had started to refer to it in his mind.

And because his sister apparently didn’t know what to say anymore either, they both just watched the game in silence. His father winked at him once when they caught each other’s eyes and the boy smiled down at the hands in his lap.

 

### ***

 

“Lukey!” Calum cheered right after he had opened the front door and Luke had gotten out of his mother’s car.

“Calum!” he called back just as enthusiastic and within the blink of an eye, the now less-skinny boy was wrapped in the older boy’s arms.

“It’s so good to see you” the raven haired boy smiled, his cheek practically pressed against Luke’s.

“You too.”

The two boys barely noticed Luke’s mother, Liz, walking past them and towards Joy, who was watching the encounter from the threshold.  

“Hi, I’m Liz” the blonde woman said, outstretching her hand for Calum’s mother to take.

“Joy. It’s nice to meet you.”

 

“Come on boys. Let’s bring Luke’s stuff up to Calum’s room so Liz won’t be too late for work”

The two teenagers let go of each other and both took a bag from Luke’s mother’s car to bring it upstairs.

 

“How have you been?” Luke asked as soon as the two of them were alone. Calum let himself fall down on his bed and mentioned for the blonde to do the same.

“Good, I guess. It’s weird…”

“Same” the skinny boy chuckled.

“Most people around me don’t really know how to handle it. They treat me like I’m extremely fragile and I’m about to break down at any time…” the blonde complained.

“I just wish they wouldn’t treat me different.”

“That’s not ideal either though” Calum replied, sighing loudly.

“My friends - and sometimes my family too - pretend like it never happened at all and though it’s a nice distraction, I never know how to bring it up when I need to talk about something.”

“I told them to treat me normally, and I know they try but I just see it in their eyes” Luke whined.

Calum nodded. He did see that in his parents’ and sister’s eyes sometimes too.

“They’ll get over it eventually. They’ll just need time, I guess.”

The blonde hummed.

“It’s good to be with someone who understands again though. You should come over at mine next week…”

Calum beamed at the blonde.

“Sounds awesome.”

 

“Boys!”

Calum sat up at the voice of his mother.

“Yeah?!” he called back, not bothering to get up and walk towards his bedroom door to open it.

“Dad, Mali-Koa and I are going to the beach. Do you want to come?”

Calum looked at Luke, whose eyes seemed slightly panicked already, just from the thought of having to go to the beach.

“No, we’re staying in” the raven haired boy answered, watching the younger boy visibly relax again.

“Okay. Call me if you need anything!”

“I will. Bye!”

They listened to the footsteps downstairs and then the front door falling shut. They were alone.

“Thanks for that” Luke said, smiling shyly at the kiwi boy.

“No problem. I didn’t feel like going anyways” he shrugged in response.

 

“Do you mind?” the blonde asked a little while later, pointing at Calum’s acoustic guitar.

“No, go ahead.”

Calum watched as the other boy got up and grabbed the instrument, sitting back down on the bed and settling the guitar in his lap. He started strumming a few chords Calum did vaguely recognize and hummed along to it.

“How’s Mikey doing by the way?” the eldest asked. He had wanted to ask Luke by text a while ago, but wasn’t sure if he was allowed to. Now, he couldn’t contain himself anymore though.

“He still thinks he doesn’t have a problem. He isn’t making any progress at all, I’m afraid.”

“That’s too bad. Do you visit him regularly?”

“Yeah; I feel like it’s the only thing I can do for him.”

“You like him a lot, don’t you?” Calum asked, smiling as Luke’s cheeks turned bright red.

“Yeah.”

“Does he know?”

“I’m not sure…”

“Why won’t you just tell him? I’m pretty sure he feels the same” Calum prodded.

Luke shrugged.

“I don’t think the situation is right for a relationship or whatever.”

“It works for me and Ashton.”

“That’s different though. You’re both depressed so you know what the other is talking about. I have no idea how to comfort Michael most of the time and I still don’t understand what his deal is” the anorexic boy argued, his voice sounding and his eyes looking a little desperate.

“I never said it was easy. The problem with me and Ashton is that we understand what the other is saying, but can’t comfort each other because we feel the exact same way. We give each other advice we don’t even follow ourselves.”

Luke sighed.

“But we make it work because we make each other happy in the end.”

“Maybe we should, like, talk about it when we visit them tomorrow” the blonde muttered, staring down at his own fingers as they kept playing the guitar softly.

“Maybe we should” Calum agreed.

He knew it was not his burden to bear; he just wanted his two best friends to have what he and Ashton had.

 

### ***

_Sunday_

 

“Come on boys, it’s time to go…” Joy said out of nowhere, getting up from the couch where Luke, Calum and her had been watching some sort of drama show nobody was interested in.

“We still got fifteen minutes left” Calum said, furrowing his brows a little in confusion.

“I’d rather wait here than there.”

Luke and him had been bored, impatient to visit the two boys they cared most about but they didn’t really feel like arriving too early either.

“Oh, so you guys don’t want a McFlurry?” his mother questioned, a small smile around her lips. Calum was about to shout a ‘hell yeah’ but then remembered Luke’s situation. He looked at the blonde nervously, hoping he wouldn’t mind his mother mentioning the unhealthy dessert.

“I don’t. But Michael loves those, so maybe we could bring him and Ash something?”

“Oh, I am sorry Luke” Joy apologized right away, looking a little embarrassed.

“No, it’s alright” the boy smiled at her.

“We can bring the others something. I am not sure if the staff will allow it, but we can at least try” the raven haired woman agreed.

“Let’s get going then” Calum said, getting up and rushing towards the door, excited for his snack and to see Ashton and Michael once again.

 

The three managed to find a Macca’s not too far from the hospital so the ice cream wouldn’t be completely melted once it would reach the two patients. Calum decided to save his as well, instead of finishing it during the last part of the trip.

 

Mabel didn’t seem too pleased when Joy asked her if it was alright for them to give Michael and Ashton the ice cream, for it wasn’t healthy and it could make other patients jealous. Calum put on his best puppy dog eyes to plead with her.

“Please? Ice cream makes everybody happier; it’ll be good for them. They eat healthy stuff all the time in here anyways, and it’s not like they need to lose weight!”

The woman sighed.

“Okay. But just this one time.”

Calum and Luke both cheered.

“It’s a special occasion after all” she winked at the kiwi boy, who furrowed his brows in confusion.

“What?”

“Oh, it’s nothing dear” she smiled and then turned to talk to some other people at her desk. Calum and Luke shared a look and both shrugged, but the raven haired boy couldn’t let it go completely. For some reason, he suddenly felt nervous to go to Ash and Mikey. It almost felt like going on a first date, or whatever; complete with the butterfly feeling in his stomach.

 

They only had to wait for about two minutes until Michael and Ashton both came down, Calum seriously worrying about their ice-cream turning drinkable by now.

He had forgotten all about that when he saw the huge smile on his boyfriend’s gorgeous face. He put the snacks down and rushed towards him to let him wrap his arms around him. Next to them, Michael and Luke did the exact same.

“I brought you ice cream…” Calum mumbled into the crook of Ashton’s neck, almost sounding proud of being so considerate.

“You’re the best” Ashton giggled.

They pulled apart and Calum started handing out the McFlurry’s. Michael was over the moon about having M&M’s in his and Luke fondly rolled his eyes at that, calling him a huge child for getting so excited over that.

Then, they all moved as one towards the oak tree, leaving Joy behind in the hall with a pile of magazines. She had suggested to stay behind herself, so Calum tried not to feel too guilty about it.

 

As soon as their asses hit the grass and Calum’s head Ashton’s shoulder, Ashton couldn’t keep it in anymore.

 

“I am going home!”


	27. Sequel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is it!!
> 
> I really hope you like it!  
> Please let me know!!

_Friday_

 

Calum hoisted his book bag and football bag further up his shoulder, walking down the stairs in front of his school towards the parking lot, his hair still wet from the shower he had just taken.

The school grounds were pretty much empty, for it was almost past six o’clock.

 

The kiwi boy had stayed behind after football practice like he _always_ did, claiming he had to talk to coach and do other stuff for the team – with him being the captain and all – while in fact he was just stalling for time.

It had been a year since the senior had tried to kill himself, but the scars were still very visible. Calum was sure they’d be for another few years or so, since they had been pretty deep.

Though most of his team mates knew about all that, he still didn’t want them to see the scars on his wrists, arm and legs and that’s why he always stayed behind while they showered, waiting for his turn.

He was pretty sure his team mates knew he did that on purpose too, for they never asked any questions about that or the reason behind his long sleeves even in the hot Australian summer weather. All in all, Calum was pretty grateful for his team.

 

As soon as the senior rounded the corner, he was met with the sight of Ashton leaning against his mother’s old car, one foot brought up to rest against the vehicle like some kind of model.

He grinned as soon as he noticed his boyfriend, moving away from the car to pull him into a hug.

“Hello gorgeous” he mused, pressing a kiss to the younger boy’s cheek.

“Hi babe.”

“You smell sweet” the blonde giggled.

“It’s the shampoo” Calum stated the obvious.

“I like it” Ashton murmured, taking the raven haired boy’s cheeks in between his hands and turning his head so they could kiss properly.

“How was practise?”

“Same as always. We were slaying it” Calum grinned proudly. Ashton hummed and nodded, reaching for his boyfriend’s bags.

The youngest let Ashton take his bags and put them in the trunk and then they got in the car, loudly singing along to the blonde’s Paramore CD as they drove towards Calum’s home.

His parents would already be gone once they’d get there and Mali-Koa was staying over at her new boyfriend’s place, so they had the house to themselves.

That was until Luke and Michael would get there, obviously.

 

“How was work?” Calum asked once they were almost there, already feeling too tired to sing along any longer.

“It was good. There was this little boy with his parents looking for an instrument and I showed him the drums and he was in love right away. It was so cute; he reminded me of myself so much!”

Ashton was currently taking a gap year, looking for colleges while working at a music store. Calum was still trying to convince his boyfriend to study music – instead of English – and thus to choose his heart over his brain. He loved music but was convinced he wasn’t good enough; and even if he was, he thought he wouldn’t be able to find a job anyways.

Calum still had eight months or so though; he’d change Ashton’s mind for sure.

“Your job sounds amazing.”

“It is” the boy nodded without taking his eyes of the road.

“Oh, and I almost forgot: my boss asked me to give a drum workshop in a few weeks. My colleague who drums broke his wrist so he can’t do it and my boss thinks I am good enough!” the eldest beamed proudly.

“Awesome! I am proud of you” Calum beamed back, kissing Ashton’s cheek with some trouble because of the safety belt around him.

“Thanks!”

 

Despite the younger boy’s protests, Ashton carried all three of their bags inside, telling the boy to sit down and get some rest after practise while he poured them something to drink. Calum rested his feet on top of the coffee table and started searching for something to watch on Netflix, wanting to simply sit on the couch and cuddle with his boyfriend while sort of watching a show he was only a tiny bit interested in.

When Ashton came back with two glasses of coke and a cookie jar filled with chocolate chip cookies, Calum had just picked _secret life of pets_.

“What’s this?” the blonde asked as the movie began and all kinds of animals were shown.

The raven haired boy shrugged.

“Something about what animals do when their owners are gone. I don’t know; the trailer was funny…”

“Okay” Ashton agreed easily, sitting down next to Calum as closely as possible and throwing his arm around his shoulders. The kiwi boy automatically shifted so his entire body was resting against his boyfriend’s side and his head could rest on top of the older boy’s shoulder.

Life seemed so easy during moments like these.

 

The couple was about halfway in the movie when the doorbell rang. Calum got up with a sight and let his feet carry him to the front door. Practise on a Friday afternoon always left him dead tired.

He had barely opened the door and stepped aside when Luke and Michael came barging in, carrying way too many bags for a two nights’ stay.

They let themselves fall down on the couch, right next to Ashton, bags thrown next to the coffee table and their coats and shoes still on.

“Hello to you too…” Calum mumbled dryly.

“Jack went to Celeste, so he made us walk the last bit… We’ve walked for twenty minutes and I am dead!” Michael complained loudly.

“Poor you” Ashton giggled, obviously not meaning it _at all_.

“Excuse you; I’ve got a _very_ tiring life, okay...” Michael complained some more.

“I’ve got school, therapy every other day and a Luke who I’ve got to keep happy all the time. It’s not as easy as it seems.”

“I bet you despise the ‘keeping Luke happy’ part the most” Calum said, wedging himself in between Luke and his boyfriend. The youngest whined and Michael automatically started petting his hair.

“Nah, it’s not too bad” he chuckled, kissing said boy’s cheek.

Luke had gained so much weight – a lot more muscle than fat – in a year time that they didn’t fit comfortably together on Calum’s couch anymore. Nobody complained though.

 

“So, how is therapy going?” the eldest asked the red haired boy. Out of all four of them, Ashton and Michael were the only one who still had to go. Ashton once a week, Michael every other day.

After the dirty blonde had left the mental hospital, Michael had stayed behind all alone. This had resulted in him doing even worse than before, and thus the doctors had decided to let him go home with the condition that he’d talk to a therapist twice a day and did exactly as the doctors told him; such as not going to school and _not drinking!_ and such.

His mother had kept an eye on him all the time, which had annoyed the teen to death but had been better than being inside of the hospital without any companion.

This way Luke could come over after school all the time and stay over during the weekend and Calum and Ashton could visit whenever they felt like it.

This had helped Michael get better, even though it was a slow progress. He still wasn’t okay yet, especially not compared to the other three, but all four of them believed he’d get there eventually.

He had started school a few weeks ago. And though he hadn’t been too happy about having to start junior year again, he was now in the same year as Luke, who didn’t mind tutoring him in pretty much every subject at all.

 

All in all, their life had turned out a lot better than any of them could’ve even imagined mere months ago.

 

“It is good” Michael answered Ashton.

“My therapist said I am sort of starting to open up now, so that’s good…” he shrugged. Luke beamed proudly at him.

“Good to hear” Calum smiled at him, his boyfriend nodding in agreement.

“Yeah.”

“Are you guys watching ‘secret life of pets’?” Michael asked, desperate to change the subject. It was something he did every time their serious conversations were directed at him.

“Yeah, have you seen it yet?”

“Yeah, me and Luke went to see it in the cinema when it came out. He kept whining to see it, the little shit” the red haired said, the fond on his face giving away he didn’t mean it at all. Michael had been whipped way before they started dating officially and they all knew it.

Luke pouted at him either way.

“Shh, just watch the damn movie” Michael smirked, pecking the boy’s lips before turning to watch it.

Ashton quickly left to get the two guests something to drink while they ate all the remaining cookies before cuddling up with Calum again, the couch feeling a lot less comfortable now that it was containing four teenage boys.

 

### ***

 

“Guys; I’ve got an idea for a new cover” Luke piped up as soon as the ending credits of the movie started to roll.

“Teenage dream, by Katy Perry…”

Michael gave his boyfriend a look.

“Seriously?”

“Yeah. We could make a rock version. It’ll have more views than all the blink covers I think because more people now Katy Perry” the blonde explained patiently.

“I don’t want fans who like Katy Perry…”

“I like Katy Perry” Calum argued, looking offended. Ashton giggled and kissed his cheek.

“No, but I mean…” Michael started, rolling his eyes at the raven haired boy.

“I don’t want people to think we’re a boyband. We’re a punk-rock band.”

“Yeah, but Luke wants to make a rock version of it. I think that’s better than just copying other rock bands” Ashton argued.

Luke smiled at the drummer and nodded, glad he had picked his side. Michael tended to listen to him since he was the oldest and was most talented when it came to music.

“Okay, let’s do it” the red haired agreed easily, causing Luke to feel a little offended next.

“Why do you always agree with Ashton and not me while we both say the exact same thing?” he question, pouting again.

Michael shrugged.

“Because you suck.”

“I bet he does…” Calum piped up playfully, causing Michael to smirk and high-five him and Luke to blush.

“Shut up!”

 

“Okay, but before we’re gonna work on the song, we’re going to get your bags upstairs and inflate the airbeds” Ashton said, using his ‘dad-voice’.

“But we can easily do that after-“

“No. We’re doing that first.”

Michael and Luke sighed in unison.

“Okay.”

 

The four of them walked up the stairs, carrying their bags and dropping them on top of Calum’s bed and desk. Joy had already searched for the airbeds and placed them on the floor, so all they had to do was inflate them with an electric inflator.

The Hoods had three single airbeds, but the four boys only inflated two and pushed them together, making it with Calum’s parents’ double fitted sheet so Luke or Michael wouldn’t fall in between in the middle of the night. Ashton slept in Calum’s bed since nobody but them was home anyways.

 

As soon as the four of them were done, they went to the garage where Ashton’s old drum kit was set up. He played an electric one at home so his neighbours didn’t hear or he wouldn’t wake his siblings when he played in the evening.

Michael had brought his own electric guitar and Luke played Calum’s acoustic one while the kiwi boy played his brand new bass. They were finally a proper band.

“Okay, so how about we work on the Katy Perry song for about an hour and then we go through our playlist for the gig at the Annandale Hotel?” Ashton suggested, always being the one to take the lead.

“Sounds good to me” Calum agreed while tuning his bass. Michael and Luke didn’t even reply at all, meaning they probably agreed as well.

Calum, Luke and Michael made sure they all used the same site for the chords and then they just played the entire song once before figuring out how to properly play it.

 

The boys divided the verses and chorus, deciding that Luke would sing most like he always did and Michael would mostly harmonise since their voices sounded absolutely _sick_ together, as Calum liked to put it.

Ashton came up with a beat he was very excited about, while the other three didn’t hear the difference between this one and the one he had been playing when they had just started. The dirty blonde tried not to take it to heart.

 

They decided not to record the cover just yet, wanting it to be absolutely perfect before putting it out there for the whole world to see.

And so they moved on to their playlist for the gig at the hotel in three weeks. They had been practising for almost five weeks by now and so they knew all parts by heart but Ashton wanted them to be able to _dream_ it so they wouldn’t fuck up due to their nerves and nobody felt like arguing with that.

All four of them were way too excited for the gig, expected a few hundred people and hoping to become popular enough to be booked for more and more gigs. This could be the beginning of an amazing career, if only people would show up and _like them_.

 

And so they practised until Ashton’s arms gave out, Calum’s fingers were numb and Michael’s index finger was bleeding since he wasn’t used to playing an electric guitar for longer than half an hour yet.

The four of them were pleased with their sound though, feeling like they were becoming with every hour they practised.

They were used to playing together by now, knew each other’s style and how to work with that and it was absolutely perfect.

Other’s seemed to notice as well since every single cover they posted on their YouTube channel had more views than the one before.

Maybe, they could take this outside of Sydney one day.

 

### ***

 

“Ashton?” Calum whispered once they were lying in bed together, Luke and Michael both fast asleep if their snores were anything to go by.

“Yeah?”

“Do you ever think back about our time in the hospital?”

“Yeah” the eldest admitted.

“Do you believe we were meant to be there?”

“What do you mean?” the blonde asked, stifling a yawn.

“What if God or the universe or fate put us in there so we could be together?”

“Then God or the universe or fate is a damn bitch. They could’ve just put us in the same class or whatever. Make our mums best friends.”

“Maybe that wouldn’t have worked. Maybe you would’ve been popular and me a nerd. Or we would’ve been like brothers to each other…” Calum kept pushing.

Ashton hummed, telling his boyfriend he was thinking about it.

 

“Well. If this was the only way for us to be together, then I would’ve done it all over again” Ashton said eventually, kissing Calum on the lips as passionate as their sleepy states of being allowed.

“Me too.”

“I love you.”

“I love you more.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading and leave some feedback!  
> You can find me on tumblr, my url is abbypd xx


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